she held my heart in her hands
by jakc
Summary: When Tess and Jonesy go undercover and when everything goes wrong. Written in Jones' POV. Chapter 12's up! That's it folks...finished!
1. Monday: The day it all happened

**"...she held my heart in her hands..."**

Disclaimer: Nobody in this story belongs to me except maybe the medical staff :)

Please feel free to read and review, this is my first fic althoughI never intended to write this one I thought i might post it for all those T/J fans out there.All kinds of reviews are welcome both positive and negative. :)This is only the first chapter and more will be added once I've gotten around to it.

**Monday: The day it all happened**

I brushed her shoulder as she stumbled past.

"Tess? You right?" I asked too concerned about the cut down her face then my bleeding arm. She muttered something back, I couldn't hear her but I noticed tears welling up in her eyes. I wanted to hug her but she pushed me away. She always did.

"Hey..." I brushed the tears that fell down her cheek with the back of my hand and she looked up at me with her intense blue eyes. She smiled; I guess she was grateful... I just saved her life.

* * *

_Tessy never did appreciate anything, not even the time when I went out of my way to make life easier for her. Sometimes I wish it would just all go away. Loving Tess is the best thing that's ever happened to me but it's the worst too.The funny thing is that I never seem to stop thinking about her, even when I was engaged to Susie. I always had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that somehow Tess was the best thing that happened to me. I love her and she knows it, I wish she loved me too._

* * *

"We better get you checked out by the ambos..." I said to Tess. She looked at me again; her blue eyes glistened in the dim light that was still present in the dark alleyway. 

"I'm fine!" she muttered brushing blood into her hair in an attempt to get her hair out of her face.

I ignored her protest and reached for her portable gingerly, waiting for her to push me away again but she didn't, instead she closed her eyes quite briskly and pressed her fragile body against the wall and collapsed.

"Tess! Tess!" I tried to shake her awake but she fell into my arms, her head falling against my face. I received a mouthful of Tess' blood only then did I realise how hard he bashed her head in.

* * *

_The wedding was off as soon as Susie said she loved Alex, I mean I couldn't possibly marry her...not now anyway. The way she pranced around about him kissing him and cuddling him at every possible chance made me sick. That nauseating feeling stayed with me for months and I couldn't shake it. My own best mate, why him? Anybody but Lex. I guess it was better sooner than later but she hurt me, I'll never forget that._

* * *

The hospital lights were intense; they hurt my eyes just looking at them. I could hear the rhythmic beeping of the various machines in the room next to me hoping that was the sound of Tess' heartbeat. 

A doctor entered the room complete with a pack of dressing to dress my arm with. She rolled up my sleeve and started swabbing up the blood that was already there.

"Now this is just a scratch so you shouldn't have too much of a problem with it healing." The doctor rambled on about something to do with keeping the wound clean but I didn't care I wanted to know about Tessy.

"How's Tess?" I asked assuming the doctor would know everything. The doctor didn't reply she was sticking on the clear film to the keep the dressing in place.

"Is she okay?" I asked again hoping that would attract her attention. She was annoyed.

"Ahh...look I don't really know you'll have to ask one of the nurses, they'll direct you to her resident doc and then you can ask away." She kept herself busy with writing down some pain relief medication on her prescription.

"Now are there any other cuts or abrasions on your body that you know of? Anywhere that hurts?"

I didn't tell her that I hurt inside, she wouldn't care.

I brushed Tess' blood from the inside of my mouth onto my hand. It was still fresh and a deep sort of red.

"Is that your blood?" the doctor asked looking directly at me; she prepared herself for my answer of "no".

"Well we'll have to get that tested to make sure there isn't anything nasty in it and we'll get you cleaned up and you can go home." The doctor faked a smile knowing that I cared little about what she had to say. I wanted to sit by Tess; I wanted to be there when she woke up.

_

* * *

I can still remember the day Tess came down from Melbourne. She came as soon as she heard I was getting married. A week before the supposed wedding she just appeared suitcase and all but no baby. She wouldn't tell me why she just said there was no baby and that was it._

* * *

I sat on the somewhat comfy seat they had at the side of Tessy's bed. She looked worse for wear but at least the blood from her head was gone. The blood scared me the most, knowing that that bastard split her head open with a bit of metal. 

The doctor came in clutching his clipboard. His knuckles white with terror, his nervousness was obvious.

"Is she gonna wake up?" I asked before the doctor could say anything.

"Yes, she will soon enough. She's been heavily sedated so it may take a while though... I'm Dr. Russel; I'll be her resident doctor for the next week or so."

"The next week or so! She doesn't have that long!" I exclaimed worried by the fact that her injury wasn't minor.

"Look, I understand your concern and I realise that she is in danger, she will receive police protection." Dr. Russel tried to calm me down but by now I had turned into a nervous wreck; I wanted him to fix her. I needed to protect her she was in danger, he was gonna hurt her.

"How bad is it?" I asked

"Well she has received very deep lacerations to the head. She was struck at least 20 times. Some of the cuts are so deep they reach the skull. It's amazing that she managed to survive a beating like that. Her attacker wanted her dead." The doctor talked quickly agitated at the state of Tess.

"I know." I whispered looking down at a very peaceful yet almost lifeless Tess.

"There are some tiny metal shards that are still embedded in her skull so she will have to have surgery to remove them." The doctor informed.

"Will she be okay?" I asked concerned

"Well our surgical team are a professional bunch and with a lot of rest she should recover but I do warn you that she may have sustained some kind of damage to the brain. We will find out in due course although the chances of her sustaining major brain damage are quite low."

"How low?" I stood up slowly in disbelief. Tessy was hurt just because some idiot didn't get his dope.

"Oh...about 25. You really shouldn't worry about it the chances are very slim." Dr. Russel didn't seem convincing. He did a crap job trying to convince me that everything would be okay when it wasn't.

* * *

_We were both so very different after the bombing. Everybody at the station flinched at the mention of a bomb but it was me that Tess noticed the most. She said I changed, that I wasn't the same old constable she once knew and she was right but she changed too. _

_Ever since the death of her baby girl Sammy, Tess has been sorely depressed, she could never think straight and her ability to express compassion was at its all time low. She hid it well she was always good at that._

_When she appeared in Mt. Thomas that bright spring day in September I felt that awful feeling again, the feeling that cursed me since the day she left. It tore me up inside knowing that she was here I loved her, so much that when she left life had no more meaning but now that she was back it was different. That feeling haunted me, it still does._

* * *

I sat by her bedside tirelessly waiting for some response from Tess, even if she just squeezed my hand but she didn't not for 5 hours anyway. I looked outside the window into the light that slowly seeped into Mt. Thomas that cold wintry morning. The visitors and staff all were wearing thick coats and woolly scarves as they flocked to the hospital. The nurse crept into the room as silently as she could trying to make as little noise as possible so not to disturb Tessy, not that she could. 

"Hello, you must be Evan Jones." She remarked her face glowing with a warm sort of happiness. It sort of lit up the depressing room.

"Yeah…" She woke me from the brief daydream I had.

"You know you're welcome to go home, it might take a while for her to wake up." The nurse smiled, that was the first positive face I saw in ages. It melted away any doubt I had in this nurse.

"Can I stay?" I asked knowing perfectly that I could.

"Of course, family can stay the whole morning if they wish, but make sure you get some sleep."

"Will do... Thanks"

"You seem like a very happy couple. Have you been married long?" The nurse noticed that I held Tessy's hand against my cheek and was gently stroking her palm with my thumb.

"Ahh…she isn't my wife, well not yet anyway." I spoke softly looking at Tessy who was breathing slowing in her very deep sleep.

"Oh sorry, I just realised...no rings!" The nurse chuckled at her mistake and I smiled wishing that what the nurse said was true.

There was a painful silence interrupted only by the beeping machines, for the next couple of seconds the nurse checked Tess' vitals and made sure her IV was connected. A sad expression came over her face.

"If you are here when she wakes up don't be surprised if she can't talk immediately, she may have sustained some kind of injury to her brain." I felt the nurse smile, even when I couldn't see her she gave out this warmth that was incredibly nice.

"Yeah I know the doc told me." I whispered she could still hear me over the beeping machines.

"He'll fix her" the nurse reassured. Somehow she sounded more convincing then the doc. She turned to leave just after she put back Tess' drug charts. She walked towards the door her footsteps making no sound. The nurse turned around just before her hand touched the door handle.

"I hope everything works out...between you two that is".

And with that she left.


	2. Tuesday: Metal maul and pseudo pot

YAY! I've done another chapter! This one took me forever! But anyway please feel free to review I don't mind if you're comments are negative, negative comments are always good! Enjoy

**To Emsta:** Thanks for the reply, I really do appreciate it. Sorry about killing Sammy off I would have loved to have Tess bring her little baby along with her but it all adds to the story. About what happened to Tess, well never fear this chapter will hopefully make things a little clearer... sighs Aww don't be depressed, It's okay I'm anti Susie too!

**Disclaimer:** Nope, none of these people are my except the crims. he he : )

**Tuesday: Metal maul and pseudo pot**

"You've been sitting here for 9 hours straight! I thought I told you to go home!" The nurse looked at me terrified, terrified at the bags that had formed under my eyes. I clutched onto Tess' hand and I wouldn't let go.

"What time is it?" I asked the nurse who had already began flicking through Tess' records. She looked down at the upside down watch that was clipped onto her shirt.

"It's 8.00am" she said and she smiled as I looked longingly at Tess who still hadn't woken up.

"Is she gonna...?" I asked too nervously too afraid to finish my question, too afraid at what the answer might be.

"She'll wake up when she's ready." The nurse spoke calmly.

I squeezed Tessy's hand and rubbed my fingers against her knuckles. My eyes couldn't bear it any longer, I saw a cloudy mist appear before my eyes and before they could shut I heard something, I couldn't tell what it was at first but I looked over at Tess who with her other hand had a tight grip on the hospital sheets.

"Ev..." Tess murmured the first bit of my name she couldn't say anymore.

* * *

_Tessy had herself transferred to Melbourne about a month or so after the wedding was off. She didn't tell anyone, most importantly of all she didn't tell me. It was great to see her back, even though things weren't the same, even though we didn't talk for months after she arrived. I was just glad she was there. I could call her "sarge" again and she could reprimand me for every little mistake I did, well...at least then we were talking._

* * *

"Jonesy?" her hand touched my shoulder and my eyes burst open, I clutched onto Tessy's hand making sure that she was okay, making sure that that bastard hadn't hurt her. 

"Hey, you're gonna cut her circulation off!" Susie smiled sitting down on to the chair beside me. I didn't say anything I was too tired, sitting in a hospital chair for 10 hours really drains you. I rubbed my forehead with my hand and looked up at Susie who looked down at a peacefully sleeping Tess.

"Is she gonna be okay?" Susie asked breaking the tense silence between us. I didn't want to talk, not to Susie. Silently in the back of my mind I begged for a nurse to walk in or for Susie to leave, I didn't want her there.

"Ahh…yeah she just needs a lot of sleep" I made myself spit the words out just to make Susie know that I didn't want to hate her.

"Looks like you could do with some yourself" Susie sighed; she felt the bitterness in my words.

"But no such luck hey?" I smiled a fake smile but I didn't look at her, I never looked at her because it hurt when I did.

"Yeah...the boss needs you to talk to the inspector...she's coming at 2.00...you'll need to change." Susie pointed out looking at the blood that dried onto my collar.

"I'll take over..." Susie got up and waited for me to leave.

I kissed Tessy's forehead gingerly making sure I didn't hurt her. Then I left without a word.

* * *

_When I told her I loved her she froze, when I told that I always loved her she screamed. _

_"I hate you! I don't need you! I hate you!" her eyes screamed red with pain, her cheeks wet with tears but she wasn't scared. She wasn't lying either she hated me, hated me because I wanted to help._

_When she stood there with her razor blade slicing into the flesh on her wrists, watching the blood drip down to the floor then collapsing with grief onto the hard, cold floor still clutching the sink, her blood smearing onto the brilliant white tiles then I knew she wasn't lying...she hated me and she hated herself._

* * *

"Interview commenced on the 24th of September at 2.15pm." Inspector Monika Draper announced loudly to the tape in the interview room she sat down opposite me. I was nervous, I've never been nervous before, I've sat through countless interviews with Inspectors but why was I nervous? A sick feeling came to my stomach. 

"Okay, Senior Constable Jones I need you to recount the events that happened on Monday the 23rd of September when you and Sergeant Gallagher participated in Operation Mule." She looked directly at me and that sick feeling came back, I felt exactly the way I felt that Monday night.

"Sergeant Gallagher and I agreed to go undercover as two drug crims and Monday night we meet agreed to meet on Flat Gully rd. before we headed off to meet Mr. X..." I started

"Mr. X?" questioned the inspector she obviously wasn't as well informed as I thought.

"Mr. X was the code name for Mr. Darren Frank one of a huge number of "small fish" so to speak who rolled over and told us where we could meet Jerry Thorn, to stop a $33 million dollar cocaine import into Mt. Thomas."

"So you met with Mr. X in the Imperial and then you headed into Macquarie alley, what happened there?" she questioned, the room was silent I could only hear the clock ticking between the beating of my racing heart.

"Tess...sorry Sergeant Gallagher and I picked him up and started

driving down to Macquarie alley but as soon as I started the engine he pulled a gun to my head and told me to turn around, I looked at Sergeant Gallagher who nodded and then I proceeded back down into the centre of Mt. Thomas. He directed me down a lane past a small alley and told me to park about 10 or so metres from it..." My voice started to shake as my mind filled yet again with those gruesome memories.

"What was the name of the lane?" the inspector made sure she knew everything

"I dunno, it was dark" that was my excuse but the Inspector knew better.

"Mt. Thomas isn't exactly big, are you sure you don't remember the name?" she spat

"He was holding a gun to my head! I wasn't thinking about where I was!" I argued seeing the shock in the Inspector eyes, she knew I was terrified.

"Okay, Jones what happened after you parked the car." the Inspector crossed her arms and lent back in the chair.

"He told me to stay in the car while he grabbed Tess and pulled her out. I got out knowing that we shouldn't split up but as soon as he noticed he shot at me." I continued my shaking hands took refuge under the interview table where my nervousness wouldn't be seen. The Inspector waited for me to continue.

"He missed but I ducked under the car and waited until they walked into the alley..."

"You didn't call for backup?" she was questioning my intelligence and I hated that.

"He said if I squeaked he'd kill her." I reasoned

"And you still didn't call for back up?" the rage was obvious in the Inspector's tone of voice.

"Sergeant Gallagher had the portable." the boss mentioned but the Inspector wasn't interested.

"I snuck into the front part of the alley where Sergeant Gallagher and Mr. X were talking." I continued

"Did you hear what they were saying?" questioned the Inspector her arms still crossed in disagreement.

"Yeah...Sergeant Gallagher mentioned something about marijuana so I guess she must have given him the marijuana that we promised..."

"I don't understand, you promised to give him an illicit drug…What for?"

"We had a deal, he'd tell us about the cocaine and he'd get his dope, about a kilo or so of fake dope was strapped to our calves"

"Fake?" the inspectors eyes light up

"It looked like dope, smelled like dope but it wasn't dope." I explained bluntly, thinking she couldn't possibly be any more stupid.

"Alright, what happened next?"

"Well Sergeant Gallagher must have given him the dope and I guessed he must have wanted to try it out, to check that it was the real thing. I saw a flame spark… from a lighter and then… a couple of minutes later he started abusing Sergeant Gallagher." I spoke calmly making sure everything I was saying was right.

"Abusing...?" the inspector questioned I didn't speak, "Constable I need to know exactly what happened"

"He started swearing at her and slapping her around..."You fucking bitch...you bitch...I'm gonna get you for this!" that's what he said, then..." I couldn't continue my throat was dry and coarse. My heart beat faster and my hands were pouring with sweat.

"Then…what Constable?" the Inspector was intrigued

"Then all I heard was screaming, only for a little while and then it stopped. It was dead silent. I ran up to them gun in hand and when he saw me he froze... I...umm...shot at him but I missed and he got away. When I saw Tess' head I knew she was clubbed with something hard and solid with...umm..." my hands came out from under the table to wave about and give me time to stall "...jagged edges...it had huge jagged edges"

"Like a piece of metal?" the inspector asked picking up the massively thick chunk of metal in an evidence bag. I cringed, it still had Tessy's blood stained on its shiny metal surface and bits of her blonde hair and chucks of her scalp were still stuck on the bar's metal teeth. I felt sick; I never saw a weapon so disgusting, so vicious.

"And you say this Mr. X almost clubbed Sergeant Gallagher to death?" the inspector asked hauling the metal bar onto the interview table making sure that I got a good look.

"Well it must have been him; I mean who else would..." She cut me off shouting at me for not admitting something that I didn't do.

"Are you sure that it wasn't you? That in a fit of rage _you_ picked up this piece of metal and struck Sergeant Gallagher until she was unconscious!" the Inspector spat rising from her chair her head towering over mine looking down at my terrified eyes.


	3. Wednesday: Guilty until proven innocent

Ahh yes...another chapter in my ever depressing fanfic. I hope you're all enjoying it :). Thanks for those who have reviewed it's greatly appreciated. Okay I have good news and bad news. The bad news is i won't be able to update for a whille cause i'm moving house and it'll take forever before we set up the whole broadband internet thing but the goodnews is i will keep writing so i'll probably end up innundating you with TJness. :P

**To Brindabella: **Aw..Thanks for the review, umm I was reading through chapters one and two the other night and the random bits seem a bit confusing. They basically are Jonesy's memories, reflections etc. on a particular thing whether that be Tess being depressed or him and Susie fighting. The main reason i added them in is becausei don't start the story from the actual day Susie calls off the wedding instead i start a couple of months after Tess arrives. So thatyou know what went on before and after Tess arrived I added in the whole Jones' reflection thing. Sorry that it confused you thought :( I've made those bits in Italics now so it can be more distinguishable.

**To Emsta:**I know Jonesy wouldn't hurt a fly! It's all a conspiracy:) he he anyway I'm not part of the TJ yahoo group..how doI join?

**Disclaimer: **No, sorry I don't own any of these people..oh actually i do! Well the nurses and crims anyway. :)

**Wednesday: Guilty until proven innocent**

"What!" I exclaimed, "Are you mad? I'd never do anything to hurt her, I..." I stopped before I could say what I wanted to; my mind cursed me for almost saying that I loved her to an enraged Inspector who was almost sure that it was I that hurt her.

"You what...?" she asked carelessly sitting back down in her chair, her arms tightly crossed over her chest.

"I...I...wouldn't do anything so stupid, she's my sergeant, I admire her." I sighed a sigh of relief, maybe she believed me?

"Well the fact is Jones, that according to Jerry Thorn, Mr. X was with him the entire night, so that leaves you and Sergeant Gallagher alone in an alleyway, with Sergeant Gallagher's head smashed in and you with a very weak story!" The inspector raised her voice, unamused at the anger radiating from me. With a sudden gush of energy I leapt up, carelessly flicking her notebook off her desk.

"He's lying! He was there! Ask Tess if you want to!" I yelled at her, she scoffed and looked at the Boss unimpressed with my little standoff.

"Sit down Jones!" said the Boss in a stern voice, making the atmosphere even more tense. I helplessly plunged back into my seat greeting the Inspector's eyes that looked at me pitilessly.

"We will Constable, but the evidence against you is piling up." the Inspector looked through her notebook flicking through the faxed pages from Forensics and detailed notes that PJ made at the scene.

"What evidence?" I spat enraged at this whole ordeal, how could I, Evan Jones hurt Tess? I love her for crying out loud!

"The fingerprints on the bar, the shoeprints, witness statements..."

"Fingerprints...?" I queried cutting her off

"Yes, your fingerprints found on the weapon." the Inspector explained giving me a weird sort of look.

"Just mine...?" I asked my hand reached my chin

"Yours and a pair of unidentified ones" the Inspector explained "...but they could be anybody's Constable...a builder's, a beggars... and this means that you, Constable Jones are now our prime suspect..."

My heart sank as the Inspector said those words, as if reading off a script, her words so emotionless and cold.

"...that means you are to have no contact with the victim and you are suspended from duty of any kind until further notice."

* * *

_"How do you tell someone you don't love them?" was the question Susie asked Tess a week before I was to marry her. Tess knew Susie didn't love me, so why didn't she tell me? Was that why she wouldn't talk to me for months on end? Was that the reason why whenever I mentioned Suse around Tess she'd walk away?_

* * *

The next morning the Boss walked me to his office sitting me opposite him. PJ walked in after me shutting the door to avert everyone else's attention away from the office.

"Jones..." The Boss started. I sat there like a stunned mullet the Inspector's words still going round and round in my head. I didn't look up at the Boss' eyes even though I knew he sympathised with me.

"You do know that those questions had to be asked..." The Boss was stalling for time, he couldn't think of anything that could possibly lift my spirits.

"Do you seriously think I'd hurt her?" I asked turning to PJ who sat there silently

"No mate, but we need you to tell us everything you know..." PJ replied "Do you remember anything about this Mr. X guy? What he looked like? How he dressed? How he smelt?"

"No...Look, he had a gun pointed to my head..." I reasoned my voice about as calm as it could get, I felt sick, I was still in shock.

"Well, Thank you Jones, you can leave now." The Boss gestured towards the door, so I left closing the door behind me. I could still hear their voices, talking about me.

"Do you think he did it?" The Boss' voice was a dull whisper behind the thick door

"Nah! Jones? He loves that girl to bits, why would he bash her?"

* * *

_As soon as I found out that Tess knew that Susie didn't love me I confronted her. I asked her why she didn't tell me, she told me it was none of her business that whatever it was that was going on between Suse and I had to be resolved between Suse and I and that she wasn't going to meddle with it. I told her that she was my friend, that she should have told me; that it would've saved me so much heartache if I knew. Then she told me I was a "self centred bastard". That was the last thing she said to me._

* * *

I headed to the hospital caring less about what the Inspector said, she wasn't going to stop me seeing Tessy, she couldn't; I wasn't going to let her. I walked up to Tessy's room stopping just centimetres before

the window that lead into her room, she could talk now, what was she going to say? Would she hate me? I walked past briskly not making eye contact with Tessy; I headed towards the door nervously picturing in my mind the things she might say.

"Jones!" Susie yelled coffee in hand running towards the door. She pulled my hand off the door handle.

"Look, you can't go in there, you're not even meant to be in here!" Susie protested

"No! Not you too!" I complained trying to fight my way through to the door handle but Susie blocked the door.

"Jonesy...I can't let you in, what if you hurt her?" Susie said gently

I fumed, my blood started to boil.

"I didn't bloody touch her!" I yelled scaring Susie like I never had before. The nursing staff stopped and turned to look at us, like little kids in a playground. Susie stood there stunned almost scared for her life.

"I think you should leave, Jones" Her tone was tense her hand rest against her handcuff pouch ready to arrest me if she had too. I took deep breaths in hope of calming myself down but I wasn't angry I was just disappointed.

"You think I did it!" I spat at her my voice calmer then before. The nursing staff got back to work once they saw Susie had it under control.

"Well, you have been quite...aggressive lately"

"So I bashed her head in, right?" I spat.

Leaving Susie at the door I sat down waiting for Tessy's nurse to appear. She sat down next to me noticing the angry expression in my face.

"Mr. Jones, Is there anything I can help you with?" she asked her calm voice slowly eating away at my anger.

"Yeah, can you get me in there?" I pointed to Tessy's room, the nurse glanced around at the door noticing Susie blocking the door way.

"Sorry, no can do. That lovely constable over there said I wasn't to let anybody in..." she paused for a moment to think of the "right" way to say it "...especially you."

I sighed.

"I would let you in, I know how much you care about the girl but it's not for me to decide. I asked what all the commotion was about but Constable... sorry… Senior Constable Raynor said she couldn't talk about it." The nurse looked at me genuinely puzzled at the fact that they wouldn't let me see Tessy.

"They think I hurt her." I whispered looking down at my hands which I was wringing with anxiety.

"You!" the nurse chuckled in disbelief.

"Lillie, Mrs. Henderson is going psycho with the buzzer" Another nurse called out cutting our conversation short.

"Sorry Mr. Jones I must go." she left. At least the nurse believed me.

I walked past Tess' window this time taking a peak into the room but as soon as Tessy saw me she ducked under the paper.

* * *

"_Oh what am I meant to do Jonesy? Pretend I love you?" Susie screamed_

_"You could have told me! Why didn't you just tell me you loved him?" I screamed back, Susie said nothing. "Why!" I screamed louder_

_"Because I didn't want to hurt you..." Susie whispered_

_"Yeah, well too late for that! That bloody bastard..." I started but Susie cut me off defensively protecting Alex, the man she "loved"._

_"Don't! I love him!"_

_"Yeah, look I'm sick of this! Go play happy families with lover boy I don't want to talk to you." I yelled, keeping my composure but inside I was breaking down._

_"I tried you know...I waited for you to say something, do something. It isn't my fault!" she protested but I was sick of her excuses, sick of everything being my fault._

_"So I forced you to sleep with him did I?" I yelled to Susie who long decided it wasn't worth it talking to me. She left._

* * *

I headed to the pub, somewhere familiar so I could cool down, take everything in.

"Hey Jonesy...Is it lunch time already?" asked an overworked Chris who was frantically looking for the station lunches.

"I'm not here for the lunches" I said. Chris looked up at me again finally noticing that I wasn't in uniform.

"You're not on duty?" Chris asked puzzled knowing that I was rostered on for today even though both she and I knew I that I'd rather be with Tess.

"I've been suspended. I'm the prime suspect in the assault on Tess." I muttered

"You're what! Oh Jonesy! Look I'll complain to Tom he'll do something about it!" said a shocked Chris.

"It won't do any good...the investigation has to go ahead." I slumped on the pub stool hopelessly.

"Here, have a beer...on the house" smiled Chris who really had no time to console me but did anyway.

"Thanks...I smiled

"I don't suppose you'd know how Tess is doing?" asked a concerned Chris as she leant against the bar.

"Yeah, she's fine I think... they won't let me see her."

"She's a fighter she is and don't worry Jones you'll be out of this mess before you know it." Chris smiled as she turned her attention to the complaining Timsy and Keith Pervis who hadn't yet had a drink.

"Alright men! The pub hasn't gone dry yet!" Chris yelled over the top of them.

I stared at my beer; I didn't have the appetite to drink it. I just wanted this all to be over, if Tessy hadn't come back none of this would have happened.

"Morning Chrissie!" chimed a very happy Alex, whose tone almost made me physically sick. He turned to look at me and my beer sitting there on the bench.

"Drinking beer are we Jonesy?" Alex pointed out gazing at my untouched glass. I didn't reply.

"How's Blondie?" Alex asked. He always calls her "Blondie", it drives me insane.

"Fine" I mumbled looking up at a very smitten Alex.

"Here you go Alex" Chris passed him the box with the stations lunches packed neatly inside.

"Thanks Chrissie, Jonesy..." Alex remarked "...don't worry you'll soon forget about her, she'll just move on to dissect her victim. I don't know why you bother with her, she's such a bitch."

A breeze of anger flew through my body; I stormed up to Alex, picked up by the collar. He grimaced in pain as I pushed him up against the wall.

"That's my sergeant you're talking about!" I yelled my face only a few centimetres from his.

"Jonesy! Let go of him!" Chris yelled as those in the pub watched. But I wouldn't let Alex get away with it. I pushed him up against the wall again before I punched him in the face. Then I let him slide down the wall before I walked upstairs and locked myself in my room.


	4. Thursday: Blue

Well, well friends I have good news. I still have the internet connected indefinitely so I can still post more Tjness into my lovely fic ☺. Sorry this chapter is a bit long, I had to add in a lot of things into one day, (If you haven't already noticed my chapters are named by days of the week.) So I hope you enjoy this chapter, don't dismay it will be cheerful soon. I promise! ☺.

**To Emsta: **Thanks again for sending me that link. I've signed up hopefully I'll be accepted, fingers crossed! It's nice to see your epilogue up to your "My baby our child" fic. Mmmm…Susie is intrinsically evil Jonesy just can't see it.

**To Gina Gold Fan: **Thanks for putting me on your favourite authors and fic list. I feel loved! ☺

**Disclaimer: **For the one hundredth billionth time…no just kidding, I don't any of the characters except the exceptionally bright Lillie and the psychotic Paul.

**Thursday: Blue**

I sat in my room for hours, ignoring Chris' pleas for me to come out and talk, I sat there until it was dark and all the time I kept thinking that maybe Alex was right, maybe Tess wasn't worth all this. Maybe I should just forget she ever existed and get on with my life.

No he's wrong; it's too hard to forget her.

_

* * *

No one knew what to think about Tess anymore, we all used to think of her as the level headed tough cop that wouldn't let anyone stand in her way but she wasn't like that anymore. Sometimes she wouldn't even turn up for work and when she did she'd fall asleep in the mess room and she'd have to go home again. _

_Ever since she's arrived no one's really liked her, we've all tried._

* * *

I woke up the sun glaring into my eyes. I walked down the hall into the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, still dressed in yesterday's clothes I looked awful, the bags still under my eyes. I hadn't slept for ages. I changed and walked down stairs into the bar but I skipped breakfast, I hadn't really eaten properly in ages but eating wouldn't do any good. Walking past the bar I knew I couldn't possibly see Tess but I had to, I wouldn't talk to her if Suse wouldn't let me but I just wanted to know if she was okay. 

I walked down the hall into the ward where she lay and looked at Tessy's door. Something was wrong, Susie wasn't there, she wasn't keeping guard, peering through the window I realised neither was Tess.

"Morning, Mr. Jones." Tess' nurse smiled, I turned around once I heard her voice.

"Where is she?" I asked my voice panic-stricken.

"Tess?" The nurse asked raised her eyebrows, the light bounced off her golden blonde hair. She never seemed to lose that positive glow about her.

"Where is she?" I repeated. I lump formed in my throat, I couldn't lose her, not now. The nurse noticed my edginess.

"Calm down Mr. Jones" the nurse pat my shoulder with her hand, comforting me. "Detective Hasham and another officer came in to collect her for her interview." said the nurse. I sighed with relief.

"When will she be back?" I asked still saddened by the fact that I wouldn't be able to see her if she did.

"She won't, she been officially discharged." the nurse smiled

"Pardon?" I asked shocked "...I thought she was meant to be in here for weeks!"

"Yes, but she's been making terrific progress and well...I don't think I should be telling you this but Detective Hasham said something about some case making progress..." said the nurse her hands clutching a packet of tablets. My eyes widened, he was out to get her. I felt my heart race.

"Ahh...look thanks I have to go" I turned and started making my way towards the exit.

"Wait! Mr Jones?" the nurse called running up to me she stopped me before I left the ward. I felt a tinge of concern in her voice. "There's something I need to talk to you about."

_

* * *

I punched in the numbers into the phone and held the receiver with anticipation. I hadn't talked to Tess in ages, not since she left Mt. Thomas and I wanted to know how she was going, being a mum is tough. _

_"Hello?" A woman's voice answered the phone but it wasn't Tess._

_"Oh hey Denise umm...it's Evan" I answered nervously into the phone waiting for her reply._

_"Hey Evan, you must want to speak to Tess." her reply almost automatic. _

_"Yeah, can I...?" I asked_

_"Umm, well she isn't home at the moment but I'll tell her you called..." Denise answered hesitantly. I could tell when Tess' mum was lying._

_"Nah, don't worry about it." I sighed knowing Tess wouldn't bother calling back._

_"Just tell her that if she ever needs a friend, I'm here."_

_"Okay" responded Denise _

_"Bye"_

* * *

Sitting in the ward's sunroom with a cup of really awful coffee in my hand I looked at the nurse who now had the packet of tablets sitting on her lap. I glanced around the room at its pale white walls and the sicking sort of numbness they gave out. 

"Mr. Jones..." she started her voice suddenly sounded very serious.

"Call me Evan" I said trying to ease the tension in the awfully quiet and miserable room.

"Okay..." she said, "Evan, do you know that Tess has major depression?" the nurse asked uneasily, bothered by that question just about as much as me.

"Yeah..." I sighed, feeling cold beads of sweat forming on my palms. I hated admitting that the head strong cop I knew and loved was so hurt.

"How did you...?" I began before the nurse cut me off knowing my question back to front.

"Over sleeping, significant weight loss, loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness, impaired thinking or concentration, suicidal thoughts...they're all signs of major depression" said the nurse looking at me. The word suicidal hurt the most.

"She's been slashing her wrists..." I said nervously looking down at my knees.

"I know, that's why you have to convince her to take these..." the nurse handed me the packet of tablets labelled Aurorix in thick black letters across the box. "...this is Moclobemide a monoamine oxidase inhibitor..." the nurse explained quite bluntly, she'd obviously done this a million times."...Tess' brain breaks down a special chemical in her brain that controls the transfer of signals to other nerve cells, this stops the break down of that chemical." the nurse pointed out, holding up the packet of tablets. She tilted her head she knew I was confused "Basically, these tablets keep that chemical available in the brain so Tess can function normally."

"Okay, but why are you giving these to _me_?" I asked staring down at the ominous tablets in front of me.

"Well Tess was meant to take these but she left them behind. She hasn't been taking them for years...it's a miracle she hasn't killed herself yet...that's why I need you to make she takes these" The nurse looked directly at me making sure I was taking it all in.

"One 50mg tablet, once a day after meals and steer clear from cough syrup while she's on this." the nurse informed.

"Yeah, I understand but what makes you think she'll listen to me?" I questioned her confidence in me. "Tess would rather throw me off a cliff!" I exclaimed.

"You're a very important person in her life." he nurse smiled.

"She doesn't think so..." I sighed "...she doesn't love me..." I looked up at the nurse hopelessly looking for some kind of reassurance.

"No, I think she does." the nurse smiled "She might seem like she doesn't want you around but she does, she needs you, make sure she knows that you love her." she nurse pat my shoulder and I smiled to myself. I went to get up but the nurse stopped me.

"Evan," she said "You watch her like a hawk...if she starts acting weird like...she starts to give away her possessions, talks about killing herself, or even has odd sleeping and eating patterns you get her down here as fast as possible, Okay?" I was surprised to see that the nurse was just as scared as I was.

"Will do" I said taking the tablets with me.

Walking outside the hospital my phone started to ring. PJ flashed up onto its screen.

"Hey PJ." I answered whilst walking to my Ute.

"Jones, we need you at the station immediately, there's been an update on the case." PJ spoke frantically into his office phone.

"Yeah, alright." I reached my Ute and drove straight to the station.

_

* * *

"Tess?" She didn't turn around when I called her name. "Tess maybe it'd be better if you talk about it..." I suggested but Tess just brushed past me to make herself a coffee in the mess room. _

_"There's nothing to talk about Evan." she spat not taking her eyes off of her coffee._

_"You've just lost your baby Tess, you call that nothing?" I asked angry that Tess didn't seem interested in anything I had to say. Tears welled up in Tess' eyes but she was quick to wipe them away._

_"Just leave me alone, let me deal with this my own way!" she muttered leaving the mess room with her coffee. _

* * *

I walked into the station, everybody stared. 

"Hey Jonesy!" Peroni piped up. I waved as he smiled back.

"My office thanks Jones" the Boss called from his office, the door ajar. I walked into the room where he and PJ stood. I sat down on the chair opposite the Boss' hoping they'd only have good news.

"We have good and bad news Jonesy…" PJ began. "…the good news is that we've interviewed Tess and she backs up your story." PJ smiled.

"So you know who did it?" I asked in hope that this would all be over.

"No, and that's where we come to the bad news..." The Boss was cut off by Amy's knocking at the door.

"Ah...sorry for interrupting Boss but that fax has come from St. David's..." Amy handed the Boss the fax. "They've sighted Paul Gorge and he's heading this way." The Boss scanned the fax while Amy stood at the door.

"Alright, we've no time to lose...Amy you take Raynor and scan the area, get Kirby to take Joss with him to do the same, stop any blue falcon that enters Mt. Thomas, we want this guy." ordered the Boss, I sat their dumbfounded, oblivious to what was going on. The Boss stepped outside his office to make an announcement.

"Gorge is on the move we need somebody to take care of Tess..." The Boss announced. The room fell silent, even the phones stopped ringing. Everybody looked at each other nobody wanting to do the task.

"Anyone?" the Boss asked annoyed at the officers' childishness. "Kirby!" the Boss pointed to a stunned Alex.

"But...Boss those traffic reports need to be in by tomorrow." Alex tried to squirm his way out of the task.

"I'll do it" I piped up, still sitting in the Boss' office.

"Jones!" the Boss pleaded knowing that I shouldn't be involved with the case but PJ shot him a look. "Yeah alright Jones." the Boss replied and walked back into his office. Everybody silently breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that they didn't have to put up with an icy Tess.

The Boss shut the door and resumed his normal sitting position opposite me.

"Jones, Paul Gorge is after Tess, her life is in danger." warned the Boss the worry shining through his eyes. "You take her home Jones and make sure you don't let her out of your sight. If you're going to go anywhere stick to crowded places. You know the drill..." informed the worried Boss.

"Yes Boss" I answered, inside I was jumping for joy, at least this way I could spend some time with Tess, even if she hated me.

_

* * *

"Losing a child is hard" said Chris while she placed the lunches on the pub bench. "Go easy on her, she'll open up eventually." suggested Chris. _

_"Yeah, the thing is, I don't think she will..." I sighed "She hasn't been talking to me or anybody lately."_

_"Maybe she's depressed..." suggested Chris who now leant against the box of lunches._

_"Depressed!" I questioned shocked at the thought. Tessy couldn't possibly be depressed. She's too strong for that._

_"It would explain the odd behaviour." Chris pointed out. "I had an aunt who was depressed; everybody thought she was just moody until she threw herself off a bridge."_

* * *

"You gonna talk to me?" I asked Tess whose nose was pressed against the window of my Ute. She looked up at me for a brief second then pressed her nose against the window again, her eyes looking out onto the shops we passed by. 

"Just drive Senior." muttered Tess still looking out the window.

"I'll take that as a no." I answered my hands gripping the steering wheel. Tess turned to face me her bright blue beanie covering her head.

"You going to stay long?" she asked propping her head up against her hand.

"As long as it takes, so you're stuck with me." I smiled to Tess; she undid her seatbelt as I drove up the driveway.

"Great!" she muttered unenthusiastically to herself as she tried to get out of the Ute. I ran over to the other side to help her out but she wouldn't let me.

"I can get out myself you know." she said as she pushed my hand away then lost her footing and fell to the ground.

"Now will you let me help you?" I smiled giving Tess a hand getting up.

Tess held onto my shoulder for support as we walked to the front door of Tessy's house.

"So who made you do it?" Tess asked as she fiddled with the key in the lock.

"Do what?" I asked puzzled waiting for Tess to finally open the door.

"Volunteer to baby sit me..." Tess asked turning the door handle when she heard the key click.

"Well no one else was up for the job, so I put my hand up." I said carrying in Tessy's bag while she headed to the kitchen.

"Oh, right. Is that how much they hate me?" Tess asked her voice sounding sad.

"I don't hate you." I said back

"You're not like them." said Tess her voice dulling to a whisper.

_

* * *

"So that's our new sarge." eyed Susie flicking through the paper work that still needed to be done. _

_"Yep" I looked over at Tess who was meticulously arranging everything on her desk. Some things never change._

_"She good?" asked Susie looking at me._

_"The best." I muttered still concentrating on my paper work not wanting to talk to Susie._

_"Is she available?" asked a besotted Peroni. Susie and Alex laughed._

_"Isn't she a bit out of your league?" Alex smiled to an unamused Joss._

* * *

It was dark at 7.00 and Tess and I were hardly talking to each other. I felt the packet of anti depressants protruding from my pocket. I'd forgotten about those. Thinking Tess would maybe wanna try them I walked over to where she huddled up against the pillows on the couch. I stroked her cheek before she opened her eyes and looked at me. Half asleep she managed to sit up. 

"Hey, you tired?" I asked and Tess gave me the "don't state the obvious" look. I sat down at her feet covering them with her blanket. She hugged her legs to her chest and rested her head on her knees.

"The nurse said you haven't been taking these for awhile" I said taking out the thick box full of round tablets. Tessy's eyes widened and she shuffled down the couch to its corner.

"Don't you start! The pharmacist's already had a go at me!" Tess warned while silently tears fell down her cheeks.

"But they're for your own good!" I said shuffling close to her to wipe away the tears from her cheeks. She hid her head in her hands.

"You can't make me take them." she said her voice muffled by her hands.

"No I can't but I want you to...it'll make you feel better." I reasoned but Tess was always too stubborn.

"What If I don't want to feel better?" Tess pulled up her sleeve wiping away the tears that wouldn't stop flowing.

"Tessy..." I went to hug her but she got up before I could.

"Just leave me alone Evan, please" Tess begged pulling her blanket along with her to her bedroom. I was left there to channel surf through the monotonous TV channels before I turned off the TV completely. My stomach grumbled and the dull aching feeling in my stomach got worse. I went to find something to eat.

The fridge was completely bare apart from a couple of cans of tuna that had passed their used by date. What was Tess eating? Had she become an anorexic too? Finding nothing in the fridge I tried to make myself comfortable on Tess' polo blue couch, I couldn't get to sleep though this whole depression thing was worrying me. I decided to check up on Tessy.

Tessy looked so beautiful when she slept, her blue beanie covering her army like haircut she had to have whilst under the knife. I looked over at her ensuite. Maybe she had something I could disguise the pills with? It was a pretty low idea but I had to think of something.

I walked over to the ensuite pushing the door open quietly so not to wake Tess and walked over to the medicine cabinet she had over the sink. I opened it up finding nothing interesting inside except a couple of packets of antidepressants she hadn't bothered to open. Pushing my way through to the back of the cabinet I stumbled across a brown dull looking box that I didn't think of opening at first but my curiosity got the better of me. I opened the box thinking I'd find something typical that you'd normally find in a woman's medical cabinet but it was much more than that. I'd found her stash, the razor blades she used to slash her wrist with when she felt useless. Looking down at the sink I noticed a pool of Tessy's blood and her blood smeared across the tap. I felt sick with worry. Hiding the box of blades in my pocket I went to Tessy's bedside lifting off the covers to see her wrists. The cuffs of her top were stained an awful red colour and her fingers soaked in her own blood. I felt disgusted, Tess felt like crap and I couldn't stop it.

I carefully bandaged her wrists making sure that I wouldn't wake her, tucking her back into bed I kissed her forehead and wiped away the last of her tears.

"Sweet dreams Tess, I love you." I said before I closed her bedroom door.


	5. Friday: The red envelope

Hello friends! This Chapter is well…how do I put it quite sombre, so if you need painkillers I suggest you have them nearby. ☺ I've had a bad week so I guess I'm kinda venting my anger out on a fic! Silly really but anyway…do enjoy, the beginning is quite cute. ☺ Oh and please review, I like reviews even if you scold me I won't mind…honest!

**To Emsta: **Oh, sorry but it's meant to be a sad fic; I should have warned you right? Well this chapter is particularly sad but don't worry it will lighten up…soon, I promise.

**Disclaimer: **Ah, no sorry don't own any of 'em except Paul (you know…Paul).

**Friday: The red envelope**

Her wet tongue slobbered down my cheek.

"Tess..." I murmured still half asleep, squished on Tess' couch with the soft pillows cushioning the hard upholstery on the couch's arm. She whined and her cold, wet nose prodded me in the cheek prompting me to wake up. I opened my eyes and breathed in the stench of her meaty breath. She looked at me her eyes sparkling in the morning sun.

"Hey girl." I pat her luscious fur. She licked my cheek again and gave me one of those irresistible looks.

"You wanna keep my feet warm?" I asked in hope looking down at my almost frozen feet. She whined and hid her nose under the couch, still looking at me with her shiny brown eyes.

"I guess not" I relieved the dog from its worries.

"Is Tess ignoring you too?" I asked Puddles who had made herself comfortable at my side. She whined again looking up at me.

"I know how it feels" I comforted rubbing the dog behind the ears. Puddles sat up and licked my hand gently, something Tess had taught it to do.

"You hungry girl?" I asked, Puddle's eyes sparkled and she wagged her tail with excitement.

"Well, we'll see what we can find you." I said patting the dog on the head.

Getting up was harder than I thought, I hadn't slept for hours instead I spent a good 6 hours in the kitchen with a cup of coffee thinking about what to do with Tess.

I opened the fridge door wishing that what I saw last night was just a figment of my imagination but there they were just as I had left them, the cans of off tuna stacked in a pile. Puddles nudged her bowl at my feet; I looked down at her, her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth. I searched the rest of the fridge in spite for a can of dog food, finding nothing I picked up the nearest can of tuna.

"Tangy Lemon with Coriander," I read to the ravenous dog that had its eyes set on the can of tuna in my hand.

"You like tuna?" I asked my finger gripping onto the pull ring on the can's top. I handed it down to dog who's eye's had lit up. Puddles took one whiff and cringed hiding her nose under her paw.

"It can't be that bad" I said taking a fork bravely in my hand and carefully sliding the syrupy tuna into my mouth. It tasted revolting but I put on a brave face in front of the dog and made my self swallow it.

"See?" I said to Puddles, A smiled appeared on her face knowing that the bitter after taste of the lemon still dwelled in my mouth.

"Yeah, you're right." I gave up throwing the can into the bin.

"There has to be something in here for you." I figured opening up the cupboard directly above my head, finding nothing edible I searched the second. Puddles waited patiently prodding her bowl against my feet if she felt I took too long. Finally opening the third there was one lone can of Pedigree PAL in the corner sitting against the back of the cupboard.

"Lamb and bone marrow" I read to the dog, whose eyes had lit up again.

Opening the can I could see the dog was salivating with excitement.

"Even I think that sounds good" I said spooning out the meaty chucks into Puddles' bowl.

"You have it easy dog." I said to Puddles who had blocked everything out of her mind while she scoffed down her breakfast. "And here I am starving to death, while you eat gourmet." I complained rubbing my aching stomach.

_

* * *

How does she do it? I thought to myself picking up the cold bladed knife sitting on the bench. I felt its wooden handle warm to the heat of my hand. Does it hurt? I asked myself pulling back the sleeve on my jumper, exposing my wrists to the cold air in the kitchen. My veins swelled at the base of my wrist, I rubbed them watching the red liquid flow through them. I slid the side of the knife across my wrist, my skin soaked in the metal's coldness, propping up the knife to sit on my veins I suddenly felt sick. Biting my lip I tried to push the knife's sharp edge into wrists, so I knew what it felt like. But my hand froze, I looked at it, it gripped the handle tightly, so hard it almost lost feeling but it wouldn't go and when I tried to push it my muscles tensed. I let the knife go and slid my sleeve back down my wrist. _

_How does she do it? _

* * *

I pushed open Tess' bedroom door, I was tired of waiting for her to wake up. She turned her head when she heard me come in, the sunlight shining through the window illuminating Tess' figure. She distracted herself for a moment before she went back to picking off the tape on her bandaged wrists. 

"Morning Tessy" I said sitting down next to her the morning sunlight almost reflecting of her bleached white sheets. She looked up for a moment but then went back to unbandage her wrists.

"You _know_." she said, I could feel the angry tone in her voice.

"_Know_ what?" I asked acting dumb. Tess unravelled her wrists and showed me the deep red lines engraved in her skin.

"Yeah, I _know_." I said softly leaning forward hoping she would let me hug her, but she didn't.

"I thought I told you to leave me alone." she whispered looking up at my saddened face.

"I can't..." I whispered back. She closed her eyes tightly for a brief moment stopping the tears from falling down her cheeks. I didn't know what to say, some how everything I said seemed wrong.

"You hungry?" I asked hoping that she'd nod, because my insides were churning. She stared at the ceiling, resisting the temptation to stare into my eyes. "I'm no Jamie Oliver but we can go have breakfast at the pub...?" I suggested. Tess looked at me her face pale and tired.

"I don't really feel like eating..." she whispered burying herself deeper under the sheets.

"Come on Tessy, you have to eat something besides Chris is dying to see you." I tried to convince that she was still wanted. But she just looked up at the ceiling again. "Tess, I'm starving and I bet you are too." this time I was more concerned about me.

"Then go to the pub and eat something." she said bluntly.

"Tess..." I said stroking her cheek but she turned her head away. "...you know I can't leave you here, not by yourself. Come on Tessy some fresh air will do you good." I said hoping Tess would agree.

_

* * *

After Susie there was no one, she seemed to find someone but I couldn't. Ever since she told me that "we weren't meant for each other" I've wanted to get back at her, I wanted her to feel how much she hurt me, I wanted her to suffer because I did and It wasn't fair. _

_It's funny though...Tess hurt me too but when she did I wanted her even more, but it was because I knew she still loved me, that she wouldn't stuff around with my best mate and then pretend it was my fault. I wish Tess just married me; we would have been such a great family._

* * *

"Hey Tess!" Chris warmly wrapped her arms around a very irate Tess. Tess reluctantly hugged Chris and managed a smile. "You look great!" Chris lied looking at a physically drained Tess whose sickening skinny figure was hidden by her baggy jeans and jumper. Tess knew better, she cringed at the thought of being "pretty" it no longer meant anything to her. 

Chris held onto Tessy's hands while she looked at Tess again smiling. She hadn't seen her in ages, ever since Tess arrived she made a point of not coming into the pub knowing that Chris could pick that something was wrong. Chris looked down noticing the deep cuts on Tess' wrists. She said nothing but felt like she had too. She looked at me and I ushered Tess away to the parlour.

"Umm, Tess why don't you go wait for me in the parlour, I'll get brekkie." Tess sussed out that something was wrong but smiled and obediently headed towards the parlour.

"French toast thanks Chris" I said, Chris scribbled down the order and then sat me down opposite her.

"What's wrong with her?" asked a petrified Chris

"What do you mean?" I played dumb but Chris could pick when I was lying.

"Jonesy!" Chris was getting impatient. "I didn't come down in the last shower you know! She's slashing her wrists isn't she?" asked a shocked Chris, I could feel her concern.

"No, Chris..." I begged stalling for time to think of some kind of logical explanation.

"If she is Jonesy, you better tell me." Chris threatened, tightly gripping a beer glass.

"If you really want to know, she had a bit of trouble with the tuna can." I lied through my teeth "The metal top flicked back and sliced through her wrists," It didn't seem logical but at least it was something. Chris said nothing but seemed content with the explanation and went back to polishing her beer glasses.

"French toast was it?" asked Chris.

After dealing with a somewhat suspicious Chris I headed into the parlour with breakfast. Tess got up to help me with the door, worry written all over her face.

"If she asks, you cut yourself with the edge of a tuna can." I said pushing the door shut with my foot. Tess sighed, sitting down in her chair, holding her head in her hands.

"Thanks" she looked up as I placed the pile of steaming hot toast in front of her.

"What for?" I asked digging into my French toast, the dull pain in my stomach ceased.

"For not telling…" Tess' eyes gleamed, she felt horrible.

"I shouldn't have to lie for you." I said bitterly still spooning in steaming morsels of toast into my mouth. Tess didn't say anything; she pushed her plate away from her and rested her head in her palms.

"Do you think I want to feel this way?" she asked not looking up at me, I didn't look up at her either instead I watched the cheese slowly melt down the side of the crispy toast.

"I really don't know anymore..." I said the cheese now sticking to the plate. Tess speared her toast with her folk, twisting the fork through the middle until it hit the plate.

"You gonna eat that?" I pointed my breakfast already finished.

"Yeah..."

_

* * *

"We're gonna do this my way!" Tess shouted to a very wound up Alex. _

_"Sarge, if you'd just let me talk to her..." Alex pleaded raising his voice so it attracted the Boss' attention._

_"Kirby, you go out there and arrest her for rape or I'll do it myself." Tess threatened pointing to the door; she was in no mood to negotiate with._

_"Jones, you go with him." She looked at me as I reluctantly hauled myself from my traffic incident report to grab the keys from a rather furious Alex._

_"Tell me again, how did you fall in love with her?" Alex asked disrupting me as I was trying to work out why Spell Check wasn't letting me spell 'manoeuvre' with a 'u' instead of 'oe'._

_"What?" I questioned turning a corner._

_"How did you hook up with the wicked witch of the east?" he asked quite unamused at my lack of consideration._

_"Like you normally do." I said bluntly. "You fell in love with Susie didn't ya?" I questioned hinting that he was no angel either._

_"It was just a fling..." he tried to explain._

_"So you keep telling me..." I spat "but I'm not the one with the pregnant fiancée." I pointed out. Alex shut up knowing that he hardly had it easy with a pregnant Susie and a wedding to plan._

* * *

"Hey...sorry to interrupt but this arrived for you Tess." Chris popped her head in from the parlour door. She handed Tess the bright red envelope with Tess' name scrawled on its surface. 

"Thanks Chris" Tess smiled grabbed the envelope and sat back down looking at the ominous envelope in front of her.

"I heard about the incident with the can." Chris pointed out curiously testing out my explanation.

"Yeah, didn't think that it'd cut in so deep." Tess pretended to examine her wrists.

Chris smiled while I handed her our empty plates, meanwhile Tess hesitantly opened the envelope and removed the happy yellow flowered "Get Well" card.

"That's nice," I said to Tess as I sat back down, "Who's it from?" Tess' eyes widened as she read the last sentence of the card.

"Umm...it's from Mum." Tess lied as she carelessly shoved the card back into its envelope; the sides of the envelope crumpled and tore as she struggled to push it back in time.

"Can I have a look?" I asked a frustrated Tess.

"No! I mean, there's nothing to see." Tess nervously stumbled on her words. "Can we go?"

_

* * *

"...S...I...O...N..." I finished typing 'depression' into the Google search engine unconsciously spelling it out loud in the station; it caught the other's attention. _

_"What are you looking up depression for?" asked Amy who had previously assigned me to check out a suspect on LEAP._

_"Just looking up symptoms..." I murmured engrossing myself in the text on the screen._

_"What's that got to do with the Kelty case." asked Amy crossing her arms in distaste._

_"Maybe she's depressed..." I suggested getting back to the website._

_"Terry? She's so bright and energetic." Kelly interrupted thinking my theory was absurdly insane._

"_Yeah,'...intense feelings of ecstasy followed by an intense state of depression'" I read aloud from the screen._

_"You think she's got bipolar?" asked an intrigued Amy_

_"It would explain the dramatic change." I further suggested._

_"Mmm… Thanks Jonesy." Amy walked off engaged in thought._

_"Jones…?" Tess looked at me, she'd been listening in. "Can I have a word?"_

_She knew I knew._

* * *

Tess had hid in her bedroom once we got back. And after playing Tug of War with Puddles about 20 times and watching whatever was left of "Shaft" on channel 7 I decided to call it a night, seeing as though it was about 10.00pm already. 

_She stood there, against a background of an off white wall. Reaching out to her I couldn't touch her. She looked down at her hands cradling my heart gently. Watching it beat filled her with awe._

_She looked up at me, she looked so innocently beautiful. Her eyes sparkled stunningly but then there was this haziness, it confused me, I looked at Tess and saw her eyes fill with intense rage, the kind of rage I was scared of. _

_She looked down at her hands again this time, pausing to look at it once more then suddenly she dug her nails into the tough muscle trying to rip through it, the passion in Tess was immense. Tess grit her teeth pushing her nails in further and further while my heart bulged against the pressure. I shouted out to stop her she ignored me, passionately digging her nails in once more to puncture the flexible but firm heart, my heart. Blood poured through the tiny rip, through her fingers dripping onto the brilliant tiles of Tess' bathroom. Her fingers soaked with blood she poked them deeper into the hole she'd made, gripping the walls of my heart and ripping my heart apart, it's muscular structure lay crushed and torn. She held my heart in her hands again, gently looking at it with a deeply satisfied look on her face. Its firm structure lay decimate in her blood stained palms. My mouth was dry. I looked at her with disgust but she just stood there. _

_"Look what you did!" I shouted to her. She looked at me, her innocently beautiful eyes still burning with incredible rage._

_"I'm sorry..." she whispered_

_She wasn't sorry._

My eyes burst open to see the dark ceiling above my head. I was breathing incredibly fast and my heart was racing, I managed to wake up Puddles who had cuddled up against me. She whined softly and licked my face. I felt wet and when I brushed the sweat off my forehead I realised that I was soaked in my own sweat.

"It was only a dream" I tried to calm myself down by making my self take longer and slower breaths. Puddles felt my discomfort and rested her head on my chest looking at me with her adorable brown eyes. I closed my eyes again forcing myself to go to sleep but Puddle's bark plunged me back into conscientiousness. She nudged me with her nose.

"Okay, girl...I'll go check it out." I said sleepily to Puddles who alerted me to a noise in the kitchen.

I walked past the dim kitchen not seeing her at first, I rubbed my eyes making that blurriness disappear from my eyes and that's when I saw her. She held the massive steak knife over her wrist, she hadn't heard me and I guess I was lucky she didn't.

"Tess?" I asked turning on the light to get a better look. Tess dropped the knife; its blade hit the floor and made a loud sort of clang.

"Evan..." she said her voice shaky, she'd been crying. I stooped down to pick up the knife off of the floor but she got to it before me. She pointed it at me defensively taking a step back.

"Tess..." I said walking toward her. She stepped back the knife still aimed at my stomach. "Tessy, give me the knife..." I pleaded stepping even closer to her than before. I held out my hand in front of her, hoping she'd give in. She paused for a moment before she gripped the knife tightly and went for her wrist. I grabbed her arm before she managed to hurt herself and she paused for a second, shocked by thought that I wouldn't let do it, she tried to twist her arm out of my tight grip, but I held her arm back pulling her towards me. I wrapped my other arm around her, waiting for her to stop fighting but she wouldn't. Seconds later I felt a sharp pain it the ribs where Tess had painfully jabbed me with her elbow.

"Let me go!" she screamed trying to pry my hand off her arm.

"Not until you let go of that knife." I said tightening the grip around her arm.

"Just let me do it!" she screamed at me while I pulled her to me once again and wrestled the knife out of her hand. We watched it drop to the floor and heard Puddles race to the kitchen and freeze momentarily her eyes fixed on me still holding Tess back making sure she didn't free herself. I slid the knife under my foot making sure that she wouldn't get her hands on it.

"Let me go." Tess shouted as she finally managed to free her hand, she made a tight fist and punched me with the back of her hand her knuckles knocking against my teeth. As I reached to nurse my mouth she freed herself and ran toward her bedroom Puddles following her to the door before she slammed it in the poor dog's face.


	6. Saturday: Off with their heads!

Well, it's been a long time hasn't it and I haven't made too many friends with this fic, oh well it comes with writing depressing dribble! But T/J fans you'll like this chapter! I like this chapter so you'll like it!

Sorry about it being a bit long I just kept writing and writing and writing, I woke up at 6.00am in the morning today just to finish it for you! So do enjoy! And do review…even if you hate it, I'm working on dealing with criticism…so negative comments will help!

**Emsta: **Ahh Emsta my dedicated fic readerer, sorry about confusing you hopefully this'll make things a bit clearer. Don't hesitate to email me and ask questions!

**Big and Bluey: **Well well, an Inspector Rex fans…it's such a damn good show! Thanks for the review and making my fic one of your favs…I feel so loved! I loved your Deception fic by the way…good stuff that was!

**Disclaimer: **no don't own anything except Paul, Jerry, Darren and Sammy…oh and the M&Ms!

**Saturday:** **Off with their heads!**

_I seemed to dream a lot about Tess lately. Mainly morbid dreams, nightmares really, so vivid I couldn't get back to sleep in fear of plunging back into that sickening world. I've read about dreams, something to do with subconscious fears...well that must be right then 'cause Tessy scared me, really scared me._

* * *

Pressing the icepack firmly against my cheek the stinging pain numbed only to sting again with the harsh cold of the ice.

"You sure pack a punch Tessy..." I started as we sat on the polo blue couch nursing my wound.

"I'm sorry" Tess whispered cutting me off while she changed hands her other hand cold and wet from the melting ice.

"You shouldn't be sorry Tess, it was only an accident." I paused waiting for Tessy's answer, hoping that it was just an accident, that maybe she was confused and that she really hadn't meant to hurt me, that she'd tell me that she loved me and let me hold her.

"No..." she looked down at her hand that was drawing nervous figure eight patterns on her knee.

"You wanted to hurt me?" I asked as I pressed my palm against her cheek caressing it gently. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes which were still soaked with sticky tears.

"Arghh..." I winced in pain, hinting to Tess that she needn't press so hard with the icepack but she was in her own little world, I couldn't get through to her.

"If you hadn't hidden them Evan, then maybe this would have never happened..." Tess finally mumbled under her breath, it was still loud enough for me to hear. 'So this was my fault was it?' I thought to myself somehow I wasn't surprised, everything else seemed to be.

"Tess, you need to stop this..." I started to only be cut off by a stubborn Tess.

"Just give 'em back." she said sternly looking at me harshly.

"No!"

"Give them back!" Tess raised her voice somewhat. There was a moments silence before I said what I needed too, something I should have said days ago.

_

* * *

When she hugged me I wouldn't let her go, Susie grew suspicious._

_"She was your sarge hey?" she asked questioning my relationship with the beautiful blonde. _

_"Yep" I smiled at Suse who was stirring her coffee. _

_"Nothing more?" she asked sparks of some kind of jealously erupted from her._

_"Nope" I lied, leaning against the bench the locker room incident flashing to memory. I never told her I still thought of Tess, even if it was just an innocent memory._

_"You sure?" asked a perplexed Susie, who'd suddenly become quite apprehensive. What was she scared of?_

* * *

"Tess I'm sick of this!" I yelled to an irate Tess who hadn't known how deeply I felt about the matter. "Slashing your wrists mightn't hurt you Tess but it hurts me." I spat resisting the urge to simply burst into tears. Tessy's eyes widened and she felt guilty.

"I need to do it..." was her feeble excuse but I didn't care much for her excuses. Sitting on the couch Tess comforted herself by hugging her knees to her chest resting her head on her knees.

"C'mon we're goin' to the hospital." I said my tone still faintly hostile. Grabbing her arm I tried to lead her to the door but she wouldn't budge, when I looked at her she had that look of fear about her.

"Not there..." she begged she stood dropping the icepack to try and pry my hand of her arm."Please Ev...not the hospital." her tears cut her off. I realised there was no point forcing her, I gently walked forwards putting my arms on her shoulders. Tess rubbed her hand hard against her forehead punishing herself for the endless stream of tears.

"But you'll be safe there Tessy, look you're sick and I wanna help..." My voice dulled itself to a gentle soft tone in hope of calming Tess down; sitting her down again next to her I wrapped my arm around her shoulders rubbing her shoulder warmly.

"Please, don't make me go...I'll do anything...please!" she begged softly clutching my hand, uncontrollably crying she clutched the collar of my shirt. I raised my eyebrows at her face smeared in tears, her eyes so watery.

"Please..." she begged her voice a whisper.

"You'll take the pills?" I asked looking at her still rubbing her shoulder gently, she'd began to shake.

"I said anything, didn't I?" she looked up me swallowing hard.

"I care about you..." I pulled Tess into hug; she wrapped her arms around my neck and rested her head against my shoulder.

"I know" she whispered cutting me off. I felt her warm tears drip down my neck to rest in a wet patch that had formed just below my neck. I hugged her tighter and she brushed her fingers through my hair silently crying, her body shaking in pure agony. The only intimate moment we had for what seemed like years was interrupted by Tess' need to wipe her eyes. I looked at her; she was so fragile and scared.

_

* * *

Susie nervously tapped her fingers on the mess room table whilst clutching her coffee with the other hand._

_"So what was it that you had to tell me?" Alex sat down making himself familiar with the not so comfy chair._

_"Ah..." Susie began not knowing where to start._

_"You right?" He asked acknowledging her nervousness. She smiled nervously before she looked at her coffee and not taking her eyes of it she feed him the bad news._

_"I'm pregnant" she said incoherently hoping that he wouldn't hear but he did. All of a sudden his world came crashing down on him._

_"Shit!" he muttered to himself more than anybody else. "What are we gonna do?" he asked a petrified Susie._

* * *

"Hey...It's alright" I whispered into Tess' ear, holding her warmly in my arms she still cried so I kissed her head hoping she'd stop. "Tessy?" I asked propping her head up in my hands, smiling sheepishly. "What's wrong?" Tess pulled out the folded up yellow flowered 'Get Well' card still encased in it's scraggly envelope.

"This" she handed me the card.

"The card mum gave you?" I asked curiously before opening the card, the top of it fell forward from the harsh fold in it's middle.

"'Dear Tessy..." I read aloud before I skimmed through the text silently, I read it again making sure that what I had read was right. "'Dear Tessy..." I started again, reading it aloud as it warranted me to. "'Feelin' better? Didn't get ya the first time but don't worry Constable Plod can't keep ya safe for long. Gonna get ya like I got those other cops, gonna make you pay bitch...love from Paul'" when I finished I closed the card hiding the scrawl written on it's inside. Looking at Tess who was nervously biting her nails I felt sick, I thought she was safe, I didn't know how real the danger was.

_

* * *

I can still remember the only time Tess was her old self again, don't think I'll ever forget it._

_I'd taken refuge in the mess room upon hearing that the wedding was off, no one dared to follow me in to console me so I just sat there dwelling on what Susie just told me just days before, the bitter pain just started to sink in. _

_I rubbed my forehead and forced myself to just wipe away everything: Susie, the wedding, Alex...everything but the faint noise of the steaming kettle distracted me. I looked up simultaneously wiping the silent tears that'd made their way down my cheeks. It was Tess. I didn't talk to her; there was nothing to talk about. She glanced at me and came to sit next to me._

_"Jones?" she asked in her concerned but quite voice. I didn't say anything instead I just looked at her stirring her coffee like she had to be elsewhere. "I'm concerned about your workload Jones, so many incidents so little reports..." she paused noticing that work was the last thing on my mind."...if you need the time off Evan..." it'd become personal, she wasn't just the work obsessed Sarge, she did care about me._

_"Sorry Sarge I'll pull my socks up, when do you want those reports by?" was my programmed response, I looked up at her but Tess never looked at me, she always hurt when I cried._

_"I know what its like to lose someone you love" Tessy replied circling the top of the mug with her finger. "It hurts...a lot, for a really long time but at the end of the day you know everything will be okay, that you'll be okay and that's all that matters." she had her hand on my shoulder. "Jones?"_

_"Mmm?" I looked up at her; she had a concerned sort of smile on her face._

_"It's your turn to get the lunches." Tess smiled as she began to lift herself off the chair and make her way to the door. _

_I'll never forget that day._

* * *

"Don't tell me nothin's been done about this!" I yelled quite flustered with PJ's monotonous excuses. I sat down with Tess in PJ's office quite irate at the situation.

"Yeah, look mate we're doin' everything we can but there's no blue falcon and no Paul Gorge." said PJ calming me down by handing me a coffee as he swung through the door.

"Then what about this..." I handed PJ the yellow flowered "Get Well" card which was hardly cheerful anymore. PJ picked up the card and inspected it thoroughly before opening it. His eyes scanned through the contents once and then again making sure it wasn't a hallucination.

"Your joking!" he exclaimed as he lent back in his chair and sighed deeply, his hands rubbed his face before they were brought back to support his head. "The whole team's in St. David's!" PJ exclaimed rubbing his eyes with his forefinger and thumb, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"So this Paul guy's been out and about keepin' tabs on us and you guys haven't even noticed?" I posed PJ a more challenging question.

"Like I said Jones, no falcon...no Paul, or so we thought" murmured PJ his hand covering his forehead in deep thought. The Boss knocked on the door, entering the situation with suspicion.

"Jones, what's going on? You should be at Tess' making sure no one lays a finger on your sergeant." the Boss pointed out quite upset at the fact that I had driven here at a risk of being mowed down by the lunatic.

"He's here Boss..." said PJ in a concerned voice handing the card to the Boss who was more than slightly aggravated. The Boss went through the same procedure reading it twice and a third time just to make sure.

"This is impossible" said the Boss letting the card fall back on the table. "We had every man on the job, we handed out leaflets, did doorknocks, road blocks...everything and the moron's still got through!" the Boss exclaimed lowering himself into the chair I vacated. "Do you know where he could be Tess?" asked the Boss in a more concerned tone. I looked over at Tess who looked like she'd zoned out for the whole 20 mins that we were here, the Boss' question brought her back.

"No…umm, I don't really know the guy Boss..." Tess said in an awful quiet voice, her shock still obvious in the way her hands shook. The Boss comforted Tess by taking her hands in his. A moment of silence passed while the Boss contemplated on what to do with the situation.

"Jones, you take Sergeant Gallagher home, pack some supplies and get down to that vacant hut in Widgeree State Park." the Boss ordered walking Tess outside his office, everybody pretended to be busy, answering phones, scribbling down notes while Tess was filed down the corridor and waited with the Boss.

I looked at PJ who looked more worried than ever.

"Is there somethin' I don't know?" I asked puzzled at PJ's expression, he'd never been this worried before. His brow creased and his arm supported his chin, his elbow propped up against the table.

"Look, it isn't my place to say but Tessy's in real danger, she's gone in way too deep this time." answered a somewhat baffled PJ who switched back into his deep concentrating state once he answered. I couldn't figure it out, Tess hadn't mentioned anything, all I knew was that some guy was after her cause the dope she gave him wasn't real, I didn't think he'd really want her dead, she was in danger yeah but "in way too deep"? What did PJ mean?

I turned to head near the door knowing by the expression on PJ's face that we didn't have a lot of time I turned around at the last minute.

"You get the bastard PJ, whatever it takes."

PJ nodded in obedience and I shut the door.

_

* * *

"Listen up guys!" called Chris whilst pouring me a beer. The whole team fell silent and looked Chris' way._

_"Umm Chris...you don't have to..." Susie tried to stop Chris but she was well on her way to announcing the dreadful news._

_"Great news everyone, Susie's gonna be a mum!" Chris announced, the team fell silent for a few seconds, the Boss was first to speak._

_"I believe congratulations are in order Raynor" he turned to Suse wrapping his arm around her in a fatherly hug. The others proceeded to voice their congratulations while I sat on the pub stool hopelessly._

_"Don't forget the daddy!" Chris proceeded to exclaim cheerfully. I smiled sheepishly and looked over at Alex who'd turned pale. Tess'd in the meantime made her way over to hug Suse._

_"Here Jonesy...on the house" Chris gave me another beer sliding it to sit next to the first. The smile on Chris' face was immense._

_Alex had made his way through the excited coppers to a very excited Chris, still looking pale he managed to mumble the sentence half as loud as her normally would've._

_"Yeah umm Chris, I'm the father...not Jonesy". Chris was shocked but contained her composure. The others looked on in disbelief for a couple of seconds then started reluctantly to congratulate Alex, who'd made enough of an embarrassment of himself._

_Tess sat next to me without saying a word, possibly picking up that I hardly wanted to be talked to._

_"Chris, you can have this back" I passed Chris the beer back, Chris looked shocked._

_"No, I think you better have that Jonesy. I'm sorry..." Chris tried to alleviate the embarrassment she'd just caused. "...I just thought..."_

_"No worries Chris, you weren't to know" I said in a somewhat sad tone but I remained completely oblivious to the whispering behind my back._

_"Want a beer Sarge?"_

* * *

"Tess?" I asked looking at Tess who'd set to work packing whatever edible foodstuffs she could find in her cupboards. I shook the packet of antidepressants which'd gotten squashed in my jeans pocket. Tess sighed.

"They don't help" Tess muttered under her breath hoping I wouldn't hear.

"Well you don't know if you don't try." I must have convinced Tess because she held out her palm waiting for me to pop the pill into it. She reluctantly slid the pill onto her tongue and with a painfully distasteful look on her face, took a gulp of the water in the glass I handed to her.

"See, it isn't that bad?" I smiled to Tess who'd shown me the inside of her mouth, proving that she'd stick to the deal. With an awful look of disgust she continued packing tins of some sort into a box.

"Here you hang on to these" I threw the packet of tablets to Tess who'd caught them one handedly.

"No, you keep them...otherwise I probably won't take them..." Tess had that look of self doubt in her eyes when she threw the tablets back.

_

* * *

"She's so gorgeous!" shrieked Kelly passing me back the wallet sized photo I had of Sammy that Tess'd sent me._

_"Yeah...she is" I looked at the photo once more before I placed it back into the window of my wallet adjusting it so it fitted perfectly. I took a few seconds to just look at the little toddler. Sammy's beautiful blue eyes peered out at me and her stunning little smile was enough to make your heart skip a beat. It's amazing how much she looked like her mother._

_"Is she gonna bring her down for the wedding?" asked a very clucky Kelly so smitten with a baby she'd never met._

_"Yeah, I hope so...I'm dyin' to see her" I said my eyes still glued on Sammy's little face._

* * *

The drive to Widgeree was meant to take 20 mins but it seemed to take hours.

"Tess?" I asked Tess who had the seat reclined and was basically half asleep. She ignored me hoping that I'd think she was asleep.

"Who's Paul?" I asked in my all too concerned voice. Tessy turned her head to face me.

"Paul..." she whispered more to herself than to me.

"Tessy, who is he? And why does he wanna hurt you? I mean I thought we were after this Mr. X guy, what's his face...Darren Frank..." I stopped mid sentence peering for a couple of seconds at the look on Tessy's face, she was completely lost.

"Umm...well he was Mr. X...in a way" Tessy finally said, answering the only question she probably heard. I gave her the same look she gave me. She smiled.

"You always left out of the loop?" asked Tess who'd know rolled the reclined chair back up into it's normal sitting position.

"Yeah, as of late" I answered agreeing somewhat with what she had to say.

"Umm...I'll start from the beginning then..." said Tessy rummaging in the side pocket in the door of the car for the leftover M&Ms.

"By all means..."

"In Melbourne, as part of the drug squad me and 3 D's were given a list..."

"A list?" I asked bewildered. What did this have to do with anything? I thought to myself.

"Well it had the names of 10 drug lords. We had to investigate and bring down they're little circles, starting with the dealers. Once we'd get them then we'd get the big fish...the suppliers."

"Mmm..." I replied knowing the procedure back to front.

"We started on a Mr. Jerry Thorn..."

"Jerry Thorn…like Operation Mule Thorn?"

"Yeah...Victoria's worst drug offender, two time major importer of massive amounts of ecstasy, heroine, speed...the lot basically. Well we'd just about ripped through his little circle of friends, we had 200 dealers charged, some rolled over told us pick up places, names associates but none of them knew where Jerry was gettin' the stuff from; or who as a matter of fact, until we got approval to raid Thorn's place."

"Don't tell me...you didn't find anything"

"No, that's just it...we did, well I did...I found this" Tess pulled out a black floppy disc from inside of her jeans pocket.

"A floppy disc?" I asked again not knowing where the conversation was headed.

"This, Evan has mention of Jerry Thorn's supplier...Paul Gorge."

"Paul..." I mimed to myself all of a sudden something clicked.

"Paul found out about the disc! But Tess, its just a disc!" I stated

"But it has everything Jones, places, dates, names, times, even bloody phone transcripts...It's enough to charge him...you'd think they'd be smart enough to burn it."

"That's why he wants you...couldn't ya just leave the disc in Melbourne?" Tess sighed, her voice changed to one of fear.

"He wants it back...he'll go to extreme lengths if he has to. Those Detectives I worked with...3 weeks after the disc was taken in as evidence they all went missing..." Tess' voice began to quaver "...all three of them...we never found their bodies but they're heads...umm they were mailed back to the station, in POSTpak boxes. He'd decapitated them packaged their heads in bubble wrap and sent them to the station!" Tess repeated making present the disgust in her voice.

"That bastard!" I exclaimed only for a moment before I quietened down again.

"I'm the only one left..." Tess whispered obviously shaken. "When I heard about the wedding...I thought I might come down, Jerry was in town and the Melbourne D's wanted me to keep an eye on him..."

"Except Paul found out too..." I cut Tess off finishing her sentence for her.

"Mmm...He was Mr. X Evan..." Tess' voice had now reduced to a whisper. "...Darren Frank had fooled us into thinking he'd rolled over, we were never going to meet Darren...they set the whole thing up. You know what these guys are like, chums through thick and thin..."

"Why didn't you say anything...in the car, we could've done something..."

"It was enough knowing that he was gonna beat the crap out of me Evan but I didn't want him to hurt you." Tess gulped.

We'd arrived at the almost run down hut in the State Park, being out of radio contact I called PJ to tell him we were here. Tess had fallen asleep in the last few minutes or so and I didn't want to wake her so I unpacked the car.

"Hey..." I said smiling to Tess who had adjusted the beanie to cover her forehead again, rubbing her eyes she looked down at me picking up the last of the boxes.

"Need any help?" I didn't think Tess'd volunteer.

"Nah, you're right. These are the last anyway..." I called out to her while making the 100m trek back up to the car.

"C'mon, let's get settled in for the night." I held out my hand and Tess let go of the roof of the car and held onto my hand while she tried to make her way down the narrow dusty path into the bush. It only took a few steps before Tess felt too dizzy to walk the track; she nearly stumbled over herself if it weren't for my arm supporting her she would have.

"Here hold to my neck." I suggested acknowledging Tessy's inability to walk.

"I don't need..." Tess started but stopped mid sentence, "Okay" Tess wrapped her arms around my neck and I picked her up cradling her in my arms I carried her to the abandoned hut.

_

* * *

"Jonesy..." Susie was the second last to leave the pub just before closing. She'd stuck around on purpose so she'd get me alone._

_"Jonesy?" Susie was interrupting my train of thought, I was putting up chairs on tables and that's all I wanted to concentrate on. I tried to ignore her but that was a bit hard._

_"Mmm?" I finally answered running out of chairs. Susie looked at me with the utmost look of regret on her face. "Sorry I never told you sooner but you gotta understand...it was too hard..."_

_"Yeah don't worry about it..." she was talking about the baby, I didn't need to hear about it. "I think you should go, I'm locking up anyway..." I needed Suse to leave, I could only pretend for so long that the baby issue didn't bother me. _

* * *

"It isn't that bad..." I tried to convince Tess who'd already made up her mind about the humble little hut we were to call home for an indefinite period.

"Guess not..." Tess was just tired I guess. She unpacked the boxes slowly while I unravelled the few blankets I could muster back at Tessy's and those camping mattresses out onto the floor. We didn't have much to talk about and the long awkward silence was getting to me. Tessy had found something to amuse herself with; she stacked up the remaining tuna cans into a little pile on uneven table in the far edge of the little hut. Being the perfectionist she is or just out of pure boredom she rearranged them in chronological order, twisting the cans to make sure the labels faced her. I sat on the floor playing with the piles of dust under my feet waiting for the silence to elapse, it finally did.

"Evan?" Tess asked midway through her can turning exposé.

"Mmm?" I muttered concentrating hard on the piles of dust which'd now been airborne.

"Do you still love her?" asked Tess too scared to turn around and face me.

"Who?" I asked knowing exactly who she meant.

"Susie..." Tess whispered hesitantly now turning fully around to face me. I looked down while she looked at me. 'Did I still love her? Did I ever love her?' I thought to myself, Tess was waiting for an answer.

"No..." I finally managed to mutter. "...don't think I ever did." I almost whispered hoping Tess'd hear every word. I wanted her to know that she was the one I loved.

"Then...?" Tess started. I looked up at her; she was leaning against the edge of the table. Seeing the look on my face she decided she'd better sit down next to me. "Why'd you want to marry her?" Tess continued in her mellow voice. I didn't want to answer that question, it was a stupid question.

"Why did you marry Josh?" I asked saving myself from saying something blindly stupid. Tess looked down at her knees which she'd propped up and lent against her chest. I guess my question was hard to answer too. Tess sat silently only briefly looking up at me; she didn't have a comeback-for once! But why would Tess care about Susie? She'd leave the room whenever I mentioned her before, why now all of sudden? Then it finally dawned on me.

"You were jealous...!" I exclaimed to Tess a look of disbelief formed on both our faces.

"What?" Tess tried to mask the shock.

"That's why you didn't talk to me for months on end. You hated the fact that I was going to marry her, it ate you up inside knowing that I'd moved on... you still loved me..." I stopped, judging by the look on Tess' face I didn't need to say anymore.

"No..." she finally whispered. She swallowed hard; she found it hard to talk. "...Not so much jealous as just pain angry."

"At me?" I asked

"No..." Tess had that look of deep sympathy on her face. "...not you...me. Just hated myself for ages, for everything...Josh, the baby, for not marrying you when I should have..." Tess stopped herself; she needed to stop the tears that had just begun to form. I didn't know what to say.

"Everybody makes mistakes" I said, sounded like the most logical thing to say at the time. Tess shook her head.

"Not like this...I'm just so stupid." Tess couldn't control the tears anymore they just flowed.

"Hey..." I soothed wrapping my arm around her. The only thing I hated most was Tess being hurt.

"And I still hate myself for hurting you...I'll never forgive myself for that." Tess took my arm off from around her shoulder and walked herself to the door.

"Is it okay if I go for a walk?" she asked her face so painfully soaked in tears.

_

* * *

"We're getting married..." Alex didn't look too thrilled._

_"That's great" I muttered, Alex could pick up that I was hardly excited. Tess broke up the mother's day club we'd formed in the back corridor._

_"Kirby," Tess got Alex's attention "the worst...there's no such word as worstest." Tess was pointing Alex's poorly written incident report at him. _

_"Sorry Sarge." Alex trudged off._

_"They're gettin' married." I said to Tess who cared less._

_"Jones, there's no 'e' in contraband" said Tess pointing my poorly written report at me._

* * *

"Damn!" Tess punched the table with her fist.

"What's wrong?" I asked half way through Tess' leftover can of bacon flavoured baked beans.

"No more matches..." Tess had been cold, lighting a fire proved difficult.

"I got some in my wallet" I answered getting back to my baked beans. It was nearly pitch black and I could hardly tell where Tess was.

"Ouch!" muttered Tess in a very annoyed tone of voice, she'd just walked into something from the sound of it. But eventually she managed to find her way to my wallet, once she lit a match I could see her figure for a brief couple of seconds before the light died down. Tess lit the couple of candles in front of her and proceeded to put the fold up book of matches back into my wallet when something caught her attention. She stopped for a while and I guess she must have been crying silently because her hand covered her eyes.

"You still have this?" Tess' voice was shaky, I was right she was crying.

"Have what?" I didn't look up as I was still consuming the half cooked bacon flavoured beans. But Tess brought the wallet over sitting next to me on one of the mattresses. She pointed to the dimly visible picture of Sammy in the clear window of the wallet.

"Yeah, I put it in there so I could carry her around, she was so beautiful, reminded me so much of you." Tess had her hand covering her mouth to stop herself from sobbing loudly. Tess leant against me overcome by grief; I put the can of beans down and wrapped my arm around her.

"What happened to her Tessy?" I asked gently, I wanted to know...I loved Sammy too.

"She had pneumococcal, I didn't notice it until it became too aggressive...they said there was nothing they could do for her...I loved her so much and I just watched her slowly wear away. Don't know how I did it...I just sat there and she was so quiet too, then she just stopped breathing altogether and she was really cold..." Tess' broke down in tears it brang me to tears too so I pulled Tess into a hug, her head leant against my shoulder and my arms wrapt themselves around her back.

"Is that why you hurt yourself?" I asked the terrifying thoughts of Tess digging razor blades into her flesh came to mind as I saw the crusty deep red scab across her wrist. Tess seemed a bit uneasy.

"It was the only way to stop all the pain..." Tess whispered gently burying her head deeper into my shoulder; I hugged her tighter, rubbing her back with my hands to keep her warm. I cried with her for a little while, Tess had pressed her cheek against mine, and I felt the woollen texture of her beanie against my temple. Tess felt my cheeks were wet so she wiped them with the back of her hand and pressed her cheek against mine again and wrapt her arms around my neck, caressing the back of my head with her hands. I moved my head sideways and kissed her cheek and she sighed softly. Tessy gently ran her fingers through my hair and stopped herself from crying.

"Think we better call it a night hey?" she whispered softly into my ear.

"Yeah...alright..." I agreed it was then that I reminded myself of little cylindrical shape in the back of my jeans pocket. "Hang on..." I said stopping Tess from rearranging the blankets on her mattress. "I've got something for you..." I smiled and pulled the object out of the back of my pocket and concealed it in my palm making sure she wouldn't see until she needed too. Tess leant against the wall of the hut, her head held up by the wall.

"Being your Birthday and all, I'd thought I'd give you something special" I smiled to her, Tess had a look of soft embarrassment on her face, she'd forgotten that it was her Birthday.

"Didn't think you'd remember..." she finally whispered. I smiled.

"How could I forget?" Tessy smiled to herself too, it was something cheerful to end the day with.

"Here hold out you hand..." I held my fist in midair and Tess put her open palm under it. "...Sorry I didn't wrap it but it wouldn't fit into my pocket..." Tess smiled to herself again and I let the object fall into Tessy's palm. She knew by its shape it had to be a ring. She held it up against the dim candlelight and the deep set diamonds sparkled ever so brightly. Tess rubbed her thumb against the band, warming it to her hands. I watched her admire it and I knew she loved it but that look of love quickly turned into dejection.

"I can't..." Tess started but I cut her off.

"Please Tess just keep it, I can't do much with it anyway I mean I went to the trouble of engraving your name on it..." Tessy looked a tiny bit shocked and looked on to the inside band of the ring for the engraving.

"Tess...I love you, be mine forever." she read out to herself. I blushed and Tess looked up at me and gave me a puzzled sort of look.

"Yeah...I know, it's a bit corny but it _was_ an engagement ring..." I started Tess had an even more puzzled look on her face.

"Engagement?" Tess looked a bit unsure but that look on her face soon disappeared once she'd figured it out. "Oh...when I was pregnant..." I nodded silently and went a tiny bit red.

"You went to all this trouble?" see asked rubbing her thumb against the diamonds.

"I didn't think you'd say 'no'" I said softly, I was more upset saying that then she thought I would have been. Tessy rubbed my shoulder and half smiled.

"Just keep it hey?" I said to Tess half smiling myself. "It doesn't have to mean anything to you; I just want to have it." I explained. Tess held out my palm putting the ring back onto it, in all her stubbornness I thought she wanted it give it back but then she held out her hand for me to put it on. I slid the ring on her finger and she smiled gently, holding her palm up to the candlelight to make it sparkle again. She gently stroked my cheek and then leant forward and kissed my forehead.

"Thankyou..." she said smiling shyly."It's very beautiful Evan." I smiled to her and I reached out the tips of my fingers touching her forehead I ran them under the rim of her beanie and down to her cheek, holding her head in my palms I leant forward gingerly and kissed her lips softly.

"Night Tess..." I said letting myself sit back and stare into her eyes. Tess looked at me longingly for a little while before she realised it was late.

"Night Evan" she said smiling and she ruffled my short hair with her palm in warm affection.


	7. Sunday: Agape

I thought I might like to explain the title of this chapter:

My wonderful R.E teacher, a theologian just happened to explain to us one day in class the 3 Greek words for love: Eros, Agape and Philia. He explained that Agape was the Greek word for divine, unconditional, self sacrificing love. That word so powerful in its meaning made me think, I was looking for a title then it came to me…agape (love) you'll see why soon…

Had to write half of this on my lovely trip to Bright but I hope you will all enjoy it as much as I did writing it!☺

**To Emsta: **Nah not engaged but don't lose hope…that's all I'm saying! And umm…yeah with that whole C2 thing, I need help…I'm a bit lost! ☺

**To Brindabella: **Long time no see…he he its fine to have not noticed my fic, I forget about it sometime too. I know exactly what you mean about the way I've written Tess; it's really scary. Sometimes I read through it and think 'This really isn't Tess!" but the other half of me says "But maybe it is?". I'm glad I turned down the morbidity though; it was a lot worse before I posted the first two fics. Thanks so much for your comments, its comments like these that keep me going! ☺ In answer to your question there's about 3 or so chaps left (that's excluding this one) but they'll be short because it's ending soon.

"I didn't think you'd say 'no'" Aww I love that line too!

**To Little People: **Another happy customer! Thanks (For putting me on your fav's list that is)!

**Sunday: Agape**

_The cold mud seeped through my socks; I felt that earthy smell around me. Rubbing my eyes I couldn't tell where I was, it was pitch black and the cold night's air started to seep through my clothes. I tried to walk but the mud weighed me down so I shuffled along instead, feeling the rocks and leaves crunch under my feet. My hands splayed out in front of me trying to feel my way through the dense thicket I must have just walked into 'cause I felt the twigs scratch against my face._

_"Where the hell am I?" I said aloud to myself thinking I was alone. _

_Trudging through the dense prickly bush around me I stumbled quite badly over something really large, I landed in the small patch of space around me. I made the mistake of having my mouth open when I fell so now it was filled with slimy mud. _

_Sticks buried in my hair and caught in my shirt I found it hard to get up, feeling around on the floor below me I came across a hard, dark, heavy, long type object. Feeling around it I found it to be a torch, hoping it'd still worked I found the soft squidgy button and pushed it. _

_The whole bush seemed to light up, my eyes had to adjust to the bright light so I looked down for a moment pointing the torch in that direction, I winced in pain for a second and pulled my hand up to my forehead, it was wet. I shone the light at my hand, it was red...I was bleeding. _

_Trying to get rid of the throbbing pain in my head I shone the torch around to see where I was. _

_There mostly covered in mud I noticed something awfully familiar, the bright blue almost reflected in the torchlight and I knew it was Tess' beanie._

_"Tess?" I called out hoping she'd still be around. 'Where was she?" I shone the torch around me even more, revealing the closely packed little pocket of bush I'd found myself in. I only had to walk a couple of metres or so until I came across what I tripped over...a body. Lying there pressed into the bush Tess looked really pale. I knelt down beside her, blood came from her forehead too._

_"Tessy?" I pulled her towards me and she fell helplessly into my arms, her weight against me pushing me deeper into the mud. "Tess? You alright?" I asked a very lifeless looking Tess. "Tessy...hey wake up!" _

_I shook Tess but her body flopped to and fro and she didn't wake. Laying her back in my arms I figured I'd give her some time, it wouldn't be long though because my arms were tiring and Tess was heavy. I pressed my forehead against hers; she was so cold; it was probably just last night's rain. _

_My head started hurting again so I closed my eyes while I waited for Tessy to wake up. All of a sudden I heard a gunshot; it echoed throughout the bush, I opened my eyes to see what was going on but nothing had changed, Tess had grown colder so I wrapt my arms around her keeping her warm. _

_I must have been hearing things..._

My eyes burst open again and I felt myself breathing quickly and heavily. Feeling the comfort of the mattress under me I knew that it must have just been a dream. I rubbed my eyes with my hand and sighed deeply. These dreams were getting more and more vivid, soon I wouldn't be able to distinguish them from reality.

My side felt really warm which was weird 'cause my feet were really freezing.

"Bad dream?" I heard Tess ask, only then did I realised that she'd cuddled up next to me, she must have been cold.

"Yeah...you can't sleep?" I asked her voice didn't sound tired.

"Yeah haven't been able to for ages." she muttered softly. Laying her head on my chest, I let the warmth of her body consume me but I couldn't help feeling uncomfortable.

"You cold?" I asked intrigued by the fact that she was cuddled up so close.

"Yeah...sorry, I didn't think you'd mind" Tess lifted her arm off from around my stomach and started to shuffled away. But I put my arm around her to stop.

"Hey, don't you're really warm..." Tess shuffled back close to me and she laid her head on my shoulder. Uncomfortable or not, I still wanted her there.

After a while of silence Tess must have finally fallen asleep cause I felt her breathing slow, I decided to force myself to fall asleep as well...I needed sleep badly.

_

* * *

"Hey mate?" PJ stopped me in the corridor just about as I was about to leave for the lunches._

_"Mmm…?" I turned around seeing that look of concern in his eyes._

_"What's up with Tess?" he asked curiously thinking I'd know the answer. _

_"Your guess is as good as mine." I said to PJ. I didn't know he knew about Tess and me._

_"You sure?" He asked again this time brushing he chin. "She'd tell you if anything was wrong. You keeping something from me mate?" asked PJ all the more concerned. Was he as concerned as I was? Did he know what she was doing to herself?_

_"You think?" I asked amazed PJ would think she'd tell me anything. "She ain't talkin' to me mate." I said seeing that satisfied look that PJ got once he knew that he got everything he could out of a suspect._

_"Yeah alright...you'd tell me though, wouldn't you? If anything's wrong I want to know..." said PJ that big brother figure shone out of him, the kind Tess always warmed to._

_"Yeah..." I wouldn't tell him what I knew though. Having Tess hate me was one thing, seeing her lose all trust in me was another._

* * *

It only had to be about 2 hours later that the hail woke me. It's pounding on the poor tin roof of the little hut was immense, the ear piercing white noise drove my ear drums insane making them ache in frustration. Opening my eyes a bit I noticed it had to about 2.00am, no later 'cause the room was hardly bright and there was still no warm sunshine to warm the room.

Rubbing my eyes I hardly felt Tess move, I must have slept well then. Looking over at my side Tess was gone. I wasn't worried, not for about 5 seconds until I finally reminded myself that it was raining outside. 'What would she be doin' in the rain?' I thought to myself.

Walking myself to the half fallen off door, the one I had to prop up with two cans. But the paint cans weren't there...neither was the door, well it was but it was on the floor and the huge gap in the side of the hut was leaking in huge amounts of cold air and buckets of hail.

Peering outside I saw the leftovers of some mushy footprints and a shiny metal thing...a floppy disc.

_

* * *

The Boss opened his office door letting a shaken and frustrated Tess out._

_"Tess, If you need to talk..." said the Boss quite bluntly, he never fully regained his kind fatherly figure._

_"I don't!" Tess cut him off not turning around but simply heading into the mess room. The others stared as usual, this scene wasn't uncommon._

_"Jones?" the Boss asked for me this time. _

_Sitting me down in his office he asked me one simple question._

_"Did you know that Sammy was dead?" the Boss didn't like hearing himself say that, the little girl the station came to love didn't exist anymore._

_"What?" I didn't know what to say. It was news to me, as far as I knew Sammy was fit as a fiddle, learning her first words...so Grandma Denise told me. "But she said..." my defence mechanism kicked in, it only took me a few seconds to realise she hadn't mentioned Sammy at all, not even when I asked. _

_"How did you...?" I asked the Boss since there was a tense sort of shock amidst us._

_"I asked about her and she said that she died earlier this year" the Boss clutched his mug of coffee. I sat there dumbfounded; Tess hadn't told me anything...why? Was it so hard to tell me?_

* * *

Bending over to pick up the floppy disc I didn't realise how tired I was, everything became so stagnant, slow, like a dream but this wasn't a dream.

The disc feel wet and slimy, the mud hadn't made its way onto the tape inside but just to make sure I wiped it with the tissue in my pocket. I slid the disc into my shoe, the only hiding place I could think of and trying to ignore the pelting hail against my chest and the freezing cold I decided to go on the arduous journey of looking for Tess.

"Tess?" I called out hoping she'd hear but the hail muffled my voice, I couldn't even hear myself properly. I was too semi-conscious to realise that Tess might be in incredible danger, trudging through the mud I realised that if I followed her footsteps maybe they'd lead me to her?

Walking for about what seemed like 10 mins, the slushy rain erased all remnants of footprints from its surface, I needed to pick my pace but the hail kept me back. It'd managed to soak through my shirt quite well and I could feel the little pellets of hail hit my back like bullets, 20...30 bullets in my back in a period of 2 secs, I could hardly run.

I kept following the footprints though, or what I thought looked like footprints until I reached a long continuous dragging line in the mud, two sets of footprints either side, I didn't think It'd be as bad as it was, the dragging line went for metres and then it all made sense, only then did a lump form in my throat.

_

* * *

"What about Mark?" suggested the Sarge typing up his latest brief._

_"Very funny sarge..." replied Peroni still flicking through the baby name book. "Beatrice?" Joss questioned the baby book with disgust._

_"Now's there's nothing wrong with Beatrice..." the sarge started "...my mother's aunt was called Beatrice, we all thought it was a beautiful name" the sarge continued flustered by Joss' unexpected rudeness. Joss broke out into a fit of giggles and Kelly punched him in the arm._

_"Oh look I dunno..." said Suse she too was engrossed in a baby name book of her own, Alex who'd just about finished his report steered clear of the whole naming process._

_I didn't think it'd hurt so much, sitting through a 15 min baby name brainstorm session, maybe it was the fact that the baby was meant to be mine or maybe just that no one seemed to care...especially Tess._

_"Hey sarge what do you reckon?" asked Peroni who'd almost certainly disengaged from any kind of police work and now held the name book as his first priority. _

_Tess had just started her shift and was unusually quiet._

_"I reckon you have a lot of work to do!" Tess was in the worst mood. Joss just ignored her and flicking through the book he came across a particularly painful name._

_"Hey what about Samantha?" he looked at Suse who'd already flicked back to L.E.A.P as soon as Tess'd come in. Tess who was making her way to the mess room froze all of a sudden and then quickly turned around._

_"Peroni, give me the book!" Tess demanded in a fit of rage._

_"But sarge...?" Joss was confused._

_"Just give me the bloody book Joss!" Tess yelled at him attracting the Boss' attention and mine too. Joss reluctantly handed the book over to Tessy who stormed into the mess room with it in hand._

_"Am I gonna get it back?" shouted Joss after her._

_"Probably not" I added _

_"What's up with her Jonesy?" asked a concerned Alex._

_"You ought to be more careful around our sarge Joss; she hasn't had it easy lately..." I tried to explain but the Boss cut in._

_"Her baby just died Peroni, next time just keep your mouth shut." the Boss held Joss in contempt and the poor bugger just sat there and so did everyone else. _

* * *

"PJ?" The rained had stopped completely so I gave the phone a try.

"Jones? What's wrong?" I never knew how he did it but he always knew when something was wrong.

"It's Tess...she's gone" I said keeping the sentences short, I needed to get out there, what if...no I didn't want to think about it.

"Right...We'll be down there as soon as we can. You keep a lookout, don't do anything stupid Jonesy." muttered PJ keeping his sentences short also. I thought he'd be furious but I didn't need him to be, my own anger was eating away at me.

Putting the phone back in my pocket, I followed the drag marks past a couple of metres of scrubs and that's when I heard a familiar voice.

"Don't be stupid Paul!" she said calmly but the pain of being pushed up against the tree at least 20 times must have set in.

"Oh Tessy..." Paul said stroking Tess' cheek mockingly with his disgusting palm. "Don't cry sweetheart, it won't hurt a bit..." Paul brushed his heavy metal gun across Tess' neck. Tess gulped in pure fright. I couldn't watch him hurt her like that...it was my fault she was there, if he was gonna hurt someone it would be me.

I sprinted as fast as I could out of the scrub behind which I huddled, I didn't care if I was seen, I just wanted to get Tessy.

"Paul!" Darren alerted him to my running figure behind him, he turned but I'd had already pushed him up against the tree.

"You bloody bastard!" I screamed at him. He smirked and Tess stayed silent. The pressure of my arm against his throat wasn't hard enough, not when he had that gun pressed against my temple. I released him letting Darren tie up my arms like he did to Tessy.

"You've really pushed it this time haven't you Tessy?" he waved the gun about freely. Darren pushed me into a sitting position against the tree. I didn't say anything...I wasn't scared just so damn disgusted.

"Maybe he's got what we're after?" Darren hinted to his 'Boss' with that helpless look of greed on his face.

"He doesn't know about the disc." Tess piped up; she was scared they'd search me like they did her.

"Shut up bitch!" Darren screamed at her pushing her head against the trunk of the tree, wrapping his fingers around her throat. Tessy couldn't breath and she struggled in his tight grip.

"Let go of her!" I screamed but Darren only pressed harder. Tears poured down Tessy's face as she tried to gulp for air, rope cut into her wrists as she tried to stand.

"This isn't the way we treat guests..." said Paul in his sickening inhospitable voice. Darren immediately let go of her throat and Tess gulped for air profusely. That feeling of sick dulled down in my stomach once he let go.

"Paulie...What are we gonna do with 'em? We only got one bullet!" Darren started to get panicky. Darren was the weak one, following 'Boss'' orders made him confident.

"Don't you worry you're silly little head over it Darren...we're only gonna shoot Tessy..." Paul smirked he pressed the gun against Tess' cheek that was inundated with tears. Tess cringed knowing that he'd fire at any time.

"What about lover boy over here?" asked Darren kicking me hard in the side. I winced in pain and Tessy gulped hard when she saw.

"Leave him alone Darren!" she screamed to Darren. I looked up at her, she was so scared. Darren went over and pushed her head up against the tree again ripping off her beanie this time; flinging it carelessly to the ground he kicked her in the ribs. Tess yelped in tremendous pain.

"Hey! Get your hands off her!" I shouted lifting myself up the tree but the rope around my wrists held me down.

"Darren...what'd I say about guests?" Paul said again pushing the gun deeper into Tessy's cheek. The sight of that almost made me throw up.

"No, we're only gonna kill one...we need copper boy" Paul pushed the gun up Tessy's cheek to her forehead and pressed it hard against her temple. Tessy couldn't control the fear she felt, she sobbed silently her body shook and the rope cutting into her wrists was wearing her skin away.

"Why only one Paulie?" Darren was curious although the tone of his voice was anxious.

"So, Jonesy can go run off and tell Mr. Hasham that we've got 'em and that he'll never get us, they can chase all they like boy but they'll never get me..." Paul seemed to be lost in some psychological fantasy that only he seemed to understand fully.

"As soon as you shoot me, they'll be coppers crawling all over this place Paul." Tess nervously explained while Paul nudged the gun further against her head.

"Good" said Paul as he knelt down to Tess' level and whispered into her ear. "...They can crawl all they want Tessy, they'll never find me..."

"You're sick" Tess whispered cautiously back to Paul her eyes filled with tears she looked into his. Paul laughed a sickening kind of laugh and stood up again taking the gun away from Tess' head he looked at Darren who'd been nervously pacing about.

"Get up!" he shouted to Tess who leant against the tree for support her back bruised badly. Tess tried but her arms around the back of the tree stopped her. "Get up!" Paul was getting angry.

"She can't!" I screamed back at him too concerned about Tessy. The pain was so obvious on her face.

"Get her up!" He looked at Darren who walked over to Tess immediately.

"Don't you dare touch her!" I shouted but my protest was ignored. Grabbing onto Tess' shoulders Darren pulled her up; Tess winced in pain as the rough bark of the tree dug into her deeply bruised back. Tess looked at me and said my name silently to me; she smiled a nervously sad smile.

Sitting there helplessly I couldn't take my eyes of her and as Darren held her against the trunk of the tree and Paul pushed the gun hard against her forehead I couldn't make myself turn away. My eyes glued on Tess, Paul took a couple of painstakingly long seconds to just watch her cry, it was something I never understood but he relished the thought of her suffering so much.

Tears welled in my eyes as the thought of Tessy laying dead in my dream came to mind. That deeply engrossing image didn't fade away. It just replayed itself over and over again...the blood, the gunshot; the cold wintry night...it felt so strikingly real.

Tess sobbed silently and as I looked at her, my mouth became dry. Would I just watch her fade away out of my life forever? I never wanted to lose her it was something I feared most. I just loved her so much; I'd do anything for her...anything.

"If you're gonna shoot someone...shoot me." That took some courage but it needed to be said. Paul lifted the gun from Tessy's forehead and held it down by his side. Tess breathed a sigh of relief and pushed her head back against the trunk, an overwhelming sense of panic lifted from her. She turned and looked at me with pure astonishment and Paul made up his mind.

_Walking into the mess room I noticed the baby name book Joss had borrowed off Chris laying on table and looking down I saw the floor was covered in the book's pages each page carelessly and passionately ripped and torn._

_

* * *

Tess walked in as I was picking up the pages._

_"Hey don't worry about that I'll do it..." Tess seemed a lot calmer, so calm it was odd._

_"Nah it's alright, I got it." I cut Tess off but she stooped down and helped me pick them up anyway._

_"My mess, I'll clean it up." _

_"Really Tess...its fine, why don't you sit down or somethin'...relax." I smiled my all famous smile to cheer her up but it didn't work. Tess slumped down into the chair and rubbed her forehead with her hands._

_"Wow you really got into this book Tess; you've ripped the pages off their spine!" I opened the book whilst holding the pages in the other hand, examining the brutal rips to the book's delicate pages._

_"I'm gonna have to get her a new one aren't I?"_

* * *

"Oh look at that, copper boy wants me to shoot him..." Paul squatted down to Tess again who had her head hanging down low; she wasn't prepared to look me in the eye, not just after what I said.

Brushing the back of his palm against Tessy's cheek she winced and started to cry angrily.

"Should I Tessy?" Paul asked Tess in a mockingly concerned voice. Darren was getting too nervous.

"Just blow his head off Paulie, we don't have much time." Darren was looking at his watch and the cold breeze that blew past made him scamper about even more.

"Don't hurt him." Tess sobbed that bitter pain sinking in again.

"Oh Tessy...it's either you or him..." Paul explained treating Tess as if she was three and half. Pushing the gun back into her cheek made me fret.

"Paul...you gonna shoot me or what?" I asked quite confident in myself now, I was willing to do anything, so long as he didn't hurt Tess.

"Evan!" Tess was angry with me, I would be too.

"Don't want him dead girl?" Darren was even more flustered. Paul could tell by his nervousness that they really didn't have much longer.

"What time is it?" Paul asked Darren who'd now walked over to me, his gun swinging freely in his fingers.

"Seven" said Darren checking his watch twice just to make sure. Paul was jittery; his sense of confidence almost escaped him.'

"Hmm..." he mumbled to himself. "Don't have much time. You wanna die son?" he asked looking at me the barrel of the gun point directly at my face.

"If it'll stop you from hurting Tess." was my immediate answer, it was something I'd never regret saying.

"Jones, don't!" I ignored Tess' plea.

"Hey it'll be fine..." I soothed to Tess who'd just about broke down into tears, no more tough cop.

"Evan..." she whispered, like it meant something important. Tess pressed her head against the tree again and let the tears fall down her cheeks and her shoulders shake with grief.

I watched Paul walk over and pressing the gun up against my forehead I knew what Tess must have been goin' through. I felt its cold metal dig into my skin, knowing that anytime soon I wouldn't feel it anymore.

_

* * *

I've always wondered what it was like to die._

_I had a dream once, it wasn't a good dream but none of my dreams were lately. It was my funeral and everyone was there, I could see them all saluting me...a fallen hero I guess. Tears were falling down everyone's cheeks except Tessy's in fact Tessy wasn't there...the only one that wasn't there...Dunno where she was, she probably found it too hard to come to terms with. Made me angry knowing that she didn't care, I wanted her there...she didn't need to cry for me but I wanted her to say goodbye even if I couldn't reply._

* * *

"Paul...please..." Tess begged Paul while Paul went through the same painstaking procedure of waiting those few extra seconds before he put his finger on the trigger. Guess he wanted me to cry too, I wouldn't do it.

"You don't need to hurt him...please, Paul!" Tess pleaded even more, she couldn't watch me die but I knew that couldn't watch him do this to her...it was better this way.

"Shh...Tess it's okay..." I begged Tess to be quiet; I couldn't take her pleading anymore. It was making my heart ache.

"Shut up! Both of you!" Darren was angry again, he started to pace and Paul finally made the awful decision of pulling the trigger.

Just before he did I closed my eyes, I tried to imagine the bullet shattering my skull, ripping through my brain and imbedding itself into the bark behind me. Maybe if I imagined it, I wouldn't be so scared.

Pulling the trigger back I heard it click and I waited...'any moment now' I said to myself.

Seconds seemed like hours and I didn't dare open my eyes just in case I'd wake up somewhere I didn't want to be but still hearing Tess sobbing almost silently I knew I wasn't dead... I couldn't possibly be. This overwhelming sense of peace overcame me; strange feeling it was though…it felt sickening almost.

"Shit!" Paul muttered aloud. I opened my eyes; they were hazy for a few seconds my tears getting in the way, I blinked a couple of times.

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" Paul was smacking the gun against the truck of the tree, it'd been tampered with and Paul had just found out...the hard way. I tried to slow the beating of my racing heart, taking deep breaths to calm myself down. I looked over at Tess, her eyes so painfully red with all the tears but she looked so relieved.

Darren looked pale but not as scared as I thought. Pulling out a long bladed knife from within his pocket I knew this was hardly the end.

"I got this Paulie...we could slash 'im" Darren's face almost lit up with glee, in seconds his nervousness vanished.

_

* * *

I don't how I fell in love with Tessy again; don't think I ever fell out of love with her._

_Sorta like PJ with Maggie; Tess was someone I dreamed about at night when I was alone and there was no one there to be with me. When I felt there was nothing to live for, I thought of Tess and how strong she was, on the outside._

_I never told her but there were times when thinking about her and what we had was the only thing that got me through the day; sad I know but she was and still is the only woman that I loved...truly._

_And like Tess, when she left I learnt how to be cautious, how to shut out people so that I'd never have to love anyone like that again and then have to go through the same old break up episode that I hated so much._

_Sometimes I just wished she never left, there were nights where I just wondered about all the 'what ifs' and just dreamed she'd give me one more chance, that she'd talk to me and let me be her friend again, like way back when we could read each other like a book._

_I miss those days._

* * *

"Paul I swear if you hurt him, you're life won't be worth living!" Tess shouted amongst tears, no amount of pleading could calm her down. Paul now replaced the gun with a knife against my throat. He didn't need to press the knife in for me to start sweating in panic. Tiny beads of blood like sweat crawled down my forehead. I couldn't breathe.

"Tessy what'd I tell you...? It's either him or you. I he wants his throat slit Tessy, then let him. He wants it, he can have it..." Paul was hardly scared by Tessy's threat. Brushing his palm over my hair he whispered.

"Wanna die don't you copper? You're gonna like it..." Paul's dark and dirty red lips curved into a disgusting smile. I sat there quite disgusted; silently you could hear the tiny rustling of the birds in the trees above us. Life around us; so pretty and effervescent lurking through the bush while I waited to be slaughtered.

"But Paul, nobody will know...if you just let us go..." Tessy started to fret again knowing my life was in Paul incapable hands.

Paul chuckled to himself and Darren mimicked him although he really had no clue about what Paul was thinking, no one did.

Paul released the painful steal knife from around my throat, walked over to Tessy and squatted down next to her again; in his disgusting friendly fashion.

"Tessy, I don't think you understand..." Paul leant against the tree next to Tessy.

"Paul she has a point..." Darren butt in before Paul could say anymore. "…they don't have the disc, we don't have the disc. If we're gonna just up and go we might as well let 'em loose and get a good head start." Darren reasoned. First bit of logical anything I heard from him. Paul didn't give in easy.

It was mid-morning, we were all tired. All we needed know was a knife wielding megalomaniac.

"Paul! C'mon it's nine!" Darren was his old anxious self again checking his watch again his forehead broke out in sweat. It'd been 3 hours but felt like minutes. The bruises on my arms and legs were really giving me grief and Tess' tears could fill the Yarra.

The bark on the tree cut into the skin on both out arms and the cold wet morning made rest unbearable.

Paul shot Darren a look of total disbelief.

"Nope...we wait Darren until we kill 'im. He's going to die." Paul pointed the knife at me and then quickly at Darren.

"Right? You do what you're told boy. I'm in control here..." Paul made his authority known. "Besides where's the fun in letting them go? I like coppers. I like watching them get all scared when they know they're gonna die...hmmm... No. We stay, they stay. Paul continued stabbing the tree's bark with the pointed blade of the knife.

"If no-one has the disc Paul, who's to know you're a drug crim?" I asked. The silence was killing me. Paul didn't need to think for long.

"She does..." Paul pointed to Tess the knife still eagerly in his hand.

"I won't tell..." Tess suggested. Paul was no fool.

"Nah, I know you Tessy. I've watched you for too long. I know how you work." Paul smiled he returned to his usual position of the knife against my throat. That comment made me sick. I could just picture him watching Tessy like the predator watches it prey.

"Paul! C'mon we have to get going!" Darren's freakish pleading was starting to annoy.

"Mmm...If I don't get time for drugs, I'll get it for murder..." Paul sighed talking to himself.

"Then killing us won't help!" I butt in present him with a somewhat logical argument.

"...maybe I should just kill them both, get the car...Shit! It's nine...gotta get goin'..." Paul was in some kind of trance he wasn't listening to us. Maybe he wasn't listening to us to begin with.

"Tess!" the faint sound of PJ's voice through the patch of scrub could be heard. He was here...good!

_

* * *

Funny how when things go wrong the only songs they ever play on the radio seem to be the most inappropriate._

_"If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one. Drying in the colour of the evening sun. Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away. But something in our minds will always stay..." Alex sung the first few lines of the song to himself, his fingers drumming madly on the dashboard._

_"Can you not!" I asked quite flustered. Tess' blood stained wrists came to mind. How could she do that to herself? I just don't get it? How can you be so angry?_

_"What?" Alex had no clue._

_"That...it's getting to me." Alex stopped drumming his fingers on the dashboard and looked at me with an annoyed look._

_"No, just here..." I took one hand off the steering wheel and turned the CD player off._

_"Hey, Jones! It's Sting for goodness sake!" Alex was really into this song._

_"The lyrics are buggin' me." I said quite softly._

_"Lyrics? '…If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one…'?" Alex asked still bewildered._

_"Yeah, bit morbid hey?" I smiled to ease the tone, Lex was suspicious._

_"Know someone who's cuttin' themselves do ya Jonesy?"_

_I didn't need to tell him._

* * *

"Shit Paulie, they're here!" Darren went into full on panic mode once he heard PJ's voice. Tess looked relieved but the knife against my throat didn't convince me we were safe...not yet anyway.

Tessy sat quiet for a moment knowing to take it easy with Paul, no sudden moments.

Paul's hands must have started to shake 'cause the knife in front of be began to wobble. Looking at the handle I could see the sweaty fingerprints begin to leave their mark.

"Tess!" PJ's voice sounded closer. Tess was more confident now; she took a deep breath and prepared herself to scream out his name.

"Don't you dare Tessy!" Paul warned her in a half whisper. "If you do he gets it!" Paul was serious as the knife edged in just that bit further. Tess gulped I knew she wouldn't do it but someone had to.

"PJ!" I called out abruptly. The look on Tess' face was shocking. Paul started to get jittery; his cool calm composure disappeared when he needed it most.

I copped a beating to the head by Darren who was more than happy to oblige. Soon enough the hard, cold steal made it way through my skin, slitting painfully across my throat. It didn't feel deep but the foul taste of blood was making me sick.

"Evan!" Tess screamed. I winced in pain and I shut my eyes, not able to free my hands from the tight rope around them. I watched the blood pour down my shirt, in tiny streams.

"Jonesy!" PJ called out again but I couldn't reply, I heard the shuffle of feet and some swearing, when I opened my eyes Paul and Darren were both gone, the knife left behind lay at Tess' feet.

"PJ!" Tess called out as loud as she could, tears pouring down her face again. She shuffled her feet forward pushing the knife closer to her. Each time she did the knife moved no more than a couple of centimetres, she was fed up. I moaned in pain a bit I looked down at my collar that almost stood out it was so red. I didn't know dying could be so painful. If I could turn back time I wish that gun did worked.

Tess was angry at herself and tried to move the knife closer. Looking at me with my head against the tree, my hands madly trying to free myself she started to lose it.

"Hey! Hey! Careful there...don't move so much okay? You'll be alright, okay? Evan?" Tess was worried because I closed my eyes and sorta slumped against the tree. The strong taste of iron in my blood was disgusting. Feelin' light headed I had to rest a moment.

"PJ!" Tess called out again, it woke me from the little bit of sleep I got against the tree. I didn't see how she did it but she managed to free herself and the tightness around my throat was her hand stemming the blood flow. I tried to open my eyes but I was too tired, my wrists hit the dirt as Tess cut them free. I moaned the pain was all too much.

Tess shuffled closer and being so concerned she kissed my forehead, her wrists still firmly around my throat.

"Shh...You'll be okay. Just stay with me." Tess pressed her nose against my cheek and her forehead against mine. I cold feel her tears drip onto my jaw.

"PJ!" Tess was starting to get scared; there hadn't been any reply for ages.

"T..." I tried to mumble her name but talking hurt.

"Easy there, it's okay I'm here. I'm not going to leave you Jones..." The sound of her voice brought me so much comfort. I closed my eyes and rested again.

"Tess!" The sound of PJ's voice brought Tess much comfort.

"PJ!" I opened my eyes but I couldn't see anything, blinking I realised that there was just nothingness...it was all so black and empty.

"Tes..." I mumbled a tiny bit more of her name. I couldn't feel her against me anymore, everything was so numb. The pain in my throat was the only thing that told me I was still there.

"Hey...it's okay." I heard her voice. It was alright.

White noise like rain filled my head although I couldn't feel it, that dizziness started creeping up on me again.

"Evan!" Tess' voice sounded urgent.

"My body felt heavy and the white noise slowly faded away, Tess sounded nothing more than just a whisper. I tried to listen to her voice, knowing that she must have been shouting but the harder I tried the more she just faded away. I listened for ages and she died away completely so did the sound of the rain. All I could hear was nothing...just nothing.

_

* * *

"Not thirsty tonight Jonesy?" Chris asked me as I sat on the stool my body turned away from her looking at the happy bunch of coppers, all laughing making jokes while I sat there, alone._

_"Hmm?" I asked turning back around to Chris who stood there aimlessly beer in hand._

_"It's bothering me too you know." Chris was talking about Susie and lex who both look so snug in each other's arm. I couldn't get my eyes of them either._

_"They always get away..." I murmured to myself but Chris heard._

_"Seems that way hey?" Chris agreed somewhat. My love life wasn't exactly picture perfect and Chris knew that. "What about Tess?" Chris hinted placing the beer on the bench knowing that I'd drink it anytime soon._

_"What about Tess?" I did pick up the beer but it stopped short of my mouth. Chris could tell this was hardly the time to bring back old memories._

_"Just askin' where the sarge is that's all?" Chris changed the topic._

_"Dunno." I replied bluntly. "Think I might call it a night Chris..." I said hopping off the stool and dragging myself to the stairs._

_"You'll tell her to come in won't you?" Chris shouted after me. Sure, last thing I wanted to do was to talk to Tess._

* * *

I felt the morphine wear off cause the pain was back. It was the second time I had to press that stupid button; it was really starting to piss me off.

Opening my eyes for the first time in ages, I glanced around. White ceiling, white walls, nice but horribly uncomfortable white mattress, white sheets, white bloody everything! I closed my eyes again but the beeping of the heart monitor kept me from falling back asleep. Didn't want to press the button again. It was all I needed though.

I thought I might look around again, maybe more than just up and down. Oh look pretty Gerberas...they had to be from Chris.

Looking at my hand her fingers were entwined with mine. Peering over at the chair next to me I saw her huddled over figure, her legs bent back with her feet resting against the bottom rung in the legs of the chair. She was sound asleep and looked so beautiful, her just washed blue beanie almost covering her eyes and the hospital blanket pulled up over her chin. That look of peace on Tessy's face almost made me envious, I needed sleep too.

I brushed my thumb across her forefinger gently warming her hands that seem so gravely cold. I took a moment to look at her for a while but my tired eyes got in the way if it weren't for the nurse I think I just might have fallen asleep.

"Morning Evan" that voice was awfully familiar. It was Lillie, gees was I glad to see her.

"Hey..." I mumbled my voice sounding awfully husky.

"You coppers, I can't seem to get rid of you..." the bright tone of her voice made my day. I smiled and Lillie made her way to my bed stopping near Tess and stealing a quick glance at Tess she finally turned to me.

"I thought she might be awake by now." the nurse whispered smiling still.

"Mmm...It's good she's asleep though she needs it." I said looking longingly at sleepy Tess slumped in her hospital chair.

"You make sure you thank her when she wakes up, she's been in here all morning!" the nurse exclaimed walking over to check my IV drip.

"Yeah, I sure will." I smiled graciously at the nurse.

"She's been doin' well I presume." The nurse took out her stethoscope putting it on my arm before she wrapped the blood pressure band around it.

"Yep, she's taking them pills..." I said watching the band around my arm inflate rapidly.

"Good, good. You've done well...She'll be fine with a nice guy like you looking' after her… "The nurse said although the look on her face indicated otherwise. I smiled, couldn't help but feel a bit embarrassed.

"Is she okay?" I asked

"Mmm, just bruises and scratches...Evan how are you feeling overall?" the nurse asked quite concerned changing from one subject to the next.

"Yeah alright wish this light-headedness would go away though, why what's wrong?"

"It's your blood pressure; it's just a bit low. But it's probably nothing to worry about. I'll get the doc to check it out for you." Lillie smiled unravelling the band from my arm. She smiled.

"If everything goes well, you'll be out of her by tomorrow..." the nurse shuffled through the drug charts before looking up at me.

"Anything I can get you?" she asked quite pleasantly sliding the chart back onto my bed.

"Nope..." I replied. She smiled again and bid me farewell before leaving.

"You better get some sleep, so I'll leave you to it... buzzer's there if you need me, there's morphine for the pain..." she pointed out and I smiled back.

"Thanks"

Lillie headed out but stopped when she saw the diamonds glint in Tessy's ring. Looking at it for a while she smiled.

"You popped the question?" she asked quite excited.

"Hey?" I asked confused

"The ring, it's gorgeous!" Lillie sighed looking dismally at her own plain golden wedding ring.

"Oh, the ring...ah no, that was a just a present." I said looking amused at the expression on her face.

"Aw...I was hoping for a minute there that she said 'yes'." Lillie chuckled, although my answer disappointed her.

"She might, I'll have to ask..." I smiled to her, her eyes lit up.

"You make sure you do!" she pointed a firm finger at me. I smiled.

"Gees I wish my hubby was that generous." Lillie mumbled to herself.

"You married?" I asked not surprised at all.

"Yeah, married, kids...the whole catastrophe..." she smiled. Before she looked down at her watch. "Hey it's 2.00; I better go...Mr. Johnson likes his anticoagulants on time..."

I didn't get to ask what that meant exactly cause she was gone in a flash.


	8. Monday: Black Dog

I can just see it now; oh you'll love this chapter… cringes

**To Emsta:** Guess you've been busy hey? I still have to get around to reading that MD fic of yours, I've been wanting to for ages! Oh Jonesy probably should've stayed hospital a bit longer but you know what they're like, stingy hospitals free beds whenever possible! Oh and sorry about the length I do get a bit carried away…whoops!

**To Brindabella:** Aw, Brindy you're making me blush…no really I'm loving the feedback, thanks! Now, If this was reality there'd be no hope of Tess getting better anytime soon but because this is a fic and I haven't actually planned much of the next coming chaps, I'll try my best!

**To Paula: **By all means, I'll continue so long as you keep readin'…promise?

I just realised that I didn't put a disclaimer on the last chap…so I'll just meld the two together:

**Disclaimer:** None of the characters in this chapter or the previous one belong to me. The song in the previous chapter entitled "Fragile" is owned by Sting and the "Black Dog" quote I stole off 'Frank' from All Saints who stole it off Churchill who stole it off someone else…can't remember who though…

**Monday: Black Dog**

The glare of the afternoon sun burnt my eyes. I rubbed them hard and found myself in my dingy little pub room, squished into one corner of my insanely huge bed my head throbbing, bloody Panadol wore off already. I rubbed my forehead hard massaging away all the pain that seemed to flood through it, tiredness crept up on me moments later but I couldn't let it.

Looking over at my bedside alarm clock it was 3.00 and I told Tess I'd be there at 2.30. I was rostered on for 2.00 but Tess said I didn't have to come in if I didn't want to. Fat load of bull that was, the Boss called me, told me they were 'short staffed' cause Susie's on leave.

Dragging myself out of bed I found my uniform folded up on a chair in the corner of my room, just the way I left it last Monday afternoon. Putting it on took forever, the bruises on my arms wouldn't let me move. My shirt masked the deep bruising on my back. I wished that Paul cut a little deeper; I'd have loved to have that morphine right now.

_

* * *

"Why didn't she mention it? I know we aren't exactly friends but you'd think It'd come up somewhere in conversation?" Susie was concerned about her sarge, something I'd thought she'd never be, not with Tess anyway...nobody liked Tess._

_"It isn't something you just mention." I defended Tess; I have no idea why, I guess I always did._

_"And you had no idea?" Joss was upset at me, he thought I knew._

_"Tess never tells anyone anything..." I mumbled back. It wasn't my fault she was a self-centred, repressed ice queen!_

_"What do you think it's like?" asked a very shocked Kelly who finally talked after hours of just silence._

_"What?" asked Joss noticing her awkward sadness._

_"Losing a baby just like that...?" We all sat and thought about it for ages nobody mentioning Tess or Sammy for the rest of the day._

* * *

The station was quite when I walked in. It was one of those quiet days.

"We've missed you Jonesy!" Alex shook my hand as I walked passed him. It was an unusual thing for Alex to do but then again today felt a bit unusual, maybe it was just the Panadol.

Kelly and Joss must have been on patrol as their seats were empty and the usual banter from the mess room wasn't heard. I sat in my comfy chair, making myself acquainted with my desk again.

"Kirby, can you go get that statement from Mrs. Rogers, her..." Tess walked from the corridor still carrying her coffee. She realised Alex had nicked off somewhere and that I was the only one in the room.

"Oh..." Tess sighed; I smiled at her she looked a bit absentminded.

"That goat's been eating Mrs. Rogers' petunias again?" I asked. This goat was quite notorious.

"Ah…" Tess didn't answer my question her eyes were searching for Alex. She walked out of the room when I next looked up. Not having anything particularly interesting to do I headed off to the mess room, I didn't have breakfast and I was hungry.

"Sergeant…?" I could hear the Boss' voice bellow from inside his office. Tess rushed over walking into the Boss' office and shutting the door after her like she always did. Moments later it opened again.

"Jones?" She beckoned me over to the office.

Walking in, I saw that PJ was sitting in the corner of the Boss' office scoffing down a packet of Scotch fingers.

The Boss stood up when I walked in putting his hand out in front of me wanting to shake mine. I did the same and a warm smile appeared on the Boss' face.

"Good work Jones" he shook my hand hard like he always does when you've done something well. PJ walked over and patted me on the shoulder and smiled. I didn't think I needed congratulating but at least this was nice and subtle.

"We found this..." PJ held up the black floppy disc in a plastic evidence bag. "...in your shoe!" he continued quite surprised.

"Yeah, only place I didn't think they'd find it." I explained still a bit drowsy from the paracetamol. The Boss chuckled softly and PJ smiled, Tess on the other hand stood quite still near the door of the Boss' office not saying a word.

"Well done, both of you..." The Boss mentioned once again." He'll get what he deserves, thanks to you Jones he'll make it to court." I nodded with acknowledgement and the Boss let me leave.

_

* * *

Depression; funny word that is. We use it all the time, I know I do. It never meant much more than just feeling a bit blue to me. I knew about it, you'd hear about it all the time. See people jumping off buildings, setting themselves on fire cause they were 'depressed' but it just never clicked. Not until I found out Tess had it. Seeing her hurt herself like that made me sick; I wanted to know why she hated herself so much. It was so different from the gung ho by the book sarge I'd come to admire._

_I had to do some research, like I always did. Just immerse myself with knowledge so I could fight this thing for her because I knew she wouldn't. _

* * *

"Lunches everyone!" Peroni called out. He was on lunch duty for the past 4 months, something to do with Chris' baby book. Joss tossed around everybody's lunches except mine. I don't think Chris knew I was on duty.

Kelly trudged in behind Joss hauling in behind her a massive white albino goat. It reluctantly followed her stopping midway through the door.

"C'mon you stupid thing! Move!" Kelly was too frustrated with the stubborn creature.

I shot a puzzled look at Joss who just smiled.

"Welcome back Jonesy" he just managed to say before the smile on his face took over. I smiled back looking once again at Kelly who was now tugging the goat towards me. It looked quite flustered, red petunias still stained its brilliant white fur.

Wanting to keep things quiet Kelly gently pulled it over to Joss' desk handing it a carrot. There was looks of disbelieve on everybody's faces including the Sarge's

"Kelly!" Tess shrieked as the half hungry goat chewed on the bottom of Tess' shirt. Trying to salvage her shirt Tess pulled it out from the corner of its mouth. Lovely orange chunks of dribble were stuck on the shirt's two lower buttons.

"Sorry Sarge but I couldn't just leave him there!" Kelly pouted to Tess who was hardly amused. "Could I?" Kelly said to the goat smothering its head in her palms. Giggles of laughter came from Joss who'd sat back down at his desk letting the goat stand at his side.

I smiled to Kelly who hadn't noticed I was back.

"So that's the famous Balthazar..." I pointed to the goat that quite rudely bleated very loudly back at me.

"Yeah..." Kelly pulled on the goat's chain, "Shh...You're gonna get me in trouble!" Kelly warned the goat squatting down beside it and putting her hands over its mouth to stop it from bleating.

"You already are!" Tess mentioned pointing in the direction of the cells. "Do something with it will you? I won't have a ravenous goat trying to eat any more shirts..." Tess was cut off by another raging bleat from the goat that by the look of it was way out of his comfort zone.

"What's going on?" The Boss shouted standing at his office door.

"Nothing Boss...Joss was just getting Balthazar to his cell..." Kelly handed the rope to Joss who looked a bit shocked.

"I suggest you do something with that goat before he eats something!" The Boss hinted to Tess as the goat stole a wad of paper off her desk while she wasn't looking.

"Oi! Get off!" Tess screamed to the goat that had just about eaten through half her report.

"I don't think it likes you Sarge." I commented noticing that Tess was finding it hard removing the half chewed up report from the goat's mouth. I leant over handing the famished goat another half of a carrot. It gladly let go of Tess' report and munched on the carrot happily content that it was given something edible.

"Hmm" Tess mumbled picking up the bits of report off the floor still soaked in goat dribble.

"We'll have to add theft and property damage to the list." muttered Kelly unhappy with the goats dining etiquette.

"Not to mention Police harassment" added Tess sitting back down at her desk. Kelly just smiled.

The annoying ring of the phone awoke me from the short nap I had on my desk. I went to grab hold of it but Tess got to it before me.

"Mt. Thomas Police, Sergeant Gallagher speaking...okay, alright, yep...calm down we'll be there as soon as we can." Tess slammed down the phone. Tess headed off to PJ's office while I put my head back down on the desk trying to fall back asleep.

"You coming Jones?" PJ prodded me awake.

"Hmm?" my eyes were still shut.

"No take Kirby..." Tess instructed and a willing Alex caught the keys thrown to him by PJ.

"What's up Sarge?" I asked wanting to know the latest. Two hours of baby sitting an albino goat drained the life out of me.

"If you weren't sleeping Senior you might just know...alright who's for patrol?" Tess asked two very unenthusiastic constables.

"Sorry Sarge the Boss wants me to finish these..." Joss held up the manila folder containing about 2 months worth of traffic incident reports.

"Kelly?" Tess asked but Kelly was on the phone to Mrs. Rogers who wasn't too pleased with the state of her petunias.

"Sarge, I can go…" I said to Tess but she ignored me completely. Kelly slammed down the phone and omitted an annoyed kind of grunt.

"We set to go?" Tess asked again and Kelly picked up her hat.

_

* * *

"Churchill called it the black dog. It comes unexpected, uninvited, sniffing at your front door. So you lock your front door and try to hide inside, but of course it gets in there and sits besides you in the dark. You can't touch it, you can't grab it and kill it no matter how much you'd like to, so eventually you just give up and lie down, but it lies down with you."_

_Amazing the things you learn from just reading a couple of websites. The black dog, so that's what it is. A sick, disgusting, mongrel. His teeth seeping into your throat, drawing out the blood. Making you dizzy and sick and you want him to go away but you can't make him go. He just sits there, like Churchill said...ready and waiting. He waits for you to just lie down so he can have another go, another bite. To make you even dizzier even more sick until you have nothing left, until you want to give up trying to fight and you do. And then he just sits there and licks your hand...a pitiful reward for your precious life._

* * *

"So...it's just me and you" I said to goat that stood in the corner of the cell munching on whatever it was that Kelly had given it to eat. I didn't expect the goat to reply but it was worth a try. It seemed the goat was the only one that noticed I was still around.

I heard the phone blare from the inside of the station. Shutting the cell door I ran over to the phone just before it rang for the 12th time.

"Mt. Thomas Police...Senior Constable Jones speaking..." I puffed into the phone.

"You have to help me Jonesy, Mummy's gone and the bad man's at the door!" The little girl's voice sounded urgent. It was Laura a little girl in a major custody battle, torn between parents, grandparents and deceiving defactos. It was a case that I worked on just before the drug operation. I thought it was all sorted.

"Okay Laura...are you at home?" I heard the little girl sniffle and then a sudden scream before the phone died.

"Laura!" I shouted petrified, I heard nothing. Slamming down the phone I got my gun belt and checked out my gun.

"Sarge?" I called out; I could swear I heard her come in. Hearing no reply I headed towards the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" she stopped from leaving the station.

"Sarge...it's Laura the girl with..."

"Yeah I know who Laura is…" Tess sounded somewhat annoyed. Standing in front of me she was blocking my way. I needed to go help this little girl.

"Yeah well she's just called, the 'bad man's' after her again..." I didn't get to finish my sentence Tess rushed past me to alert the Boss.

"Well I'll just wait for you in the car then..." I shouted out to Tess who was already making her way back. I made my way half way down the corridor until she pushed past me out the door.

"You'll do nothing of the sort. You stay put!" she managed to say just as climbed into the Four Wheeled Drive.

"Tess!" I shouted back at her but she wouldn't have heard, she was half way down the street. I was meant to be at work, so far the only police orientated thing I did was watch a criminal goat eat its lunch.

"Where is everyone Jones?" the Boss asked as he walked into the silent room.

"Kelly and Joss are on patrol, PJ and Alex are somewhere and Tess headed off to find out what happened to Laura." I stated in a matter of fact way. The Boss was very surprised, not at me at the noise or lack there of.

"It's too quiet!" he mumbled to himself, strolling off to check the logbook.

"I think I like it this way," I said back flicking through the unnumbered amount of files on Word.

"Hmm...No it's too quiet, something's wrong." The Boss philosophised whilst I couldn't care less. I thought this place revolved around team work. Maybe I just wasn't part of the team anymore.

"Mt. Thomas 800 to Mt. Thomas Station..." It was Tess reporting back about Laura I hoped.

"Mt. Thomas Station received go ahead Tess..." The Boss got to the mic before me.

"Boss we need Amy down here, Laura's been found dead..." Tess hated saying that as much I hated hearing it.

"Great!" I mumbled aloud, the Boss looked at me.

"Jones can you get Amy...?" he asked looking at me I headed down to Amy's office still hearing the rest of the conversation.

"I'll get her to come down A.S.A.P, how's it looking down there...?" the Boss asked Tess.

"It isn't pretty, there was no one here when I got here, and she's been butchered with a Tomahawk..." Tess sounded disgusted.

"Lovely...Amy'll be there shortly, you contain the scene."

"Will do Boss".

"Amy?" I knocked on her office door. Amy looked bogged down with work.

"Mmm? What is it?" she looked up briefly from the piles of paperwork she was hidden under.

"It's Laura Thomas...she's been murdered, you're needed at the scene."

"Right" Amy didn't seemed shocked at all but instead made her way to the door. I stopped her before she could make her way out.

"Could you take me with you?" I asked. Amy was a bit confused as to why I asked.

"Are you needed at the scene?" she asked

"No, but..."

"But what?" she cut me off pushing her way past me.

"It was my case!" I said to her back and she finally turned around rolling her eyes at me.

"Yeah, whatever… Just don't be a pest..." she muttered and we headed for the car.

"Where's he goin'?" asked the Boss halfway to his office door.

"To the scene with me, you know the proverb about hands making like work..." Amy said to the Boss while she signed out her gun.

"Mmm..." the Boss bit into his biscuit.

"What the hell are you doing here Senior?" Tess shouted at me from a distance. Boy was I in trouble.

"I thought you might need help..." I reasoned. Tess looked over at Amy who shrugged.

"He said it was his case..." she explained and headed over to the white sheet covering the tiny body and made conversation with the ambos there.

"Well you're officially off this case Jones!" Tess was being impossible.

"This was my case Sarge, besides I have nothing to do!" I followed Tess who was making her way to Laura's body.

"I'm sure the property cage needs a good clean..." Tess suggested but I cut her off.

"Yeah done that." It was one of the many things I did in the 3 hours I was there. Tess sighed.

"Alright then, you can go inform the parents that their daughter's been butchered to death." Tess was giving me the job that she hated doing most.

"Great!" I mumbled under my breath and Tess noticed the dejected look on my face.

"You back already?" The Boss' statement reeked of sarcasm. "I thought we'd have to send a search party..."

"Sorry Boss, I don't think Mrs. Thomas wanted to believe that her little girl was quartered with a Tomahawk." I muttered just plain annoyed at everything.

"Next time, don't take so long." the Boss didn't have anything productive to say so I ignored him.

"Hey Jonesy, how was it at the Thomas place?" asked a curious Alex as I sat back down at my desk noticing it was somewhat dark I turned on my lamp.

"How do you think it was!" I snapped at Alex who was quite shocked at my abrupt reaction. The two Junior Constables both glared at me for a moment.

"Just asking, sorry..." he mumbled under his breath in reply. "...I won't ask next time."

I don't think I should have snapped at him like that, he wasn't the one that was ignoring me for no particular reason.

The station was silent for a good half hour while everybody sat down to continue whatever it was they had to finish. I was concentrating hard on my work blocking out everything and anything that could possibly keep me off task.

Hearing voices in the corridor I jumped.

"The Hommies are gonna have to be called in." I heard the sound of Amy's concerned voice.

"I'll give Paul a ring" said the Sarge in response letting Amy pass through.

"What's this about the Hommies?" asked PJ, he and Paul went way back.

"Thomas case" said Tess quite bluntly heading for the mess room, seeing the opportunity for conversation I followed her in.

"Tess?" I asked gently, knowing she had it in for me today.

"Jones?" she simply asked in reply.

"We need to talk..." I started but I was immediately cut off by Tess.

"There's nothing to talk about Jones." she was being evasive and I wanted to know why.

"How about the fact that you..." I started again but Tess shoved her gun belt into her locker and slammed the door while I was talking, she was hardly in the mood.

"Tess?" PJ poked his head in from around the door. Tess looked up at him questioning his being there.

"Debrief" he simply muttered at her waiting at the door.

"Tess..." I looked at her, she hadn't waited for me to finish.

"I don't have the time, Jones." she said not even looking at me when she left. PJ had a confused expression on his face; he knew he walked into something. I saved him the embarrassment and gave him the same expression back and he smiled at me before he walked back.

I guess Tess was right though, she didn't have time and she never had time for me.

"Maybe later then?" I shouted after her. I don't think she heard though.

_

* * *

"Joss!" Chris was horrified as the torn pages of Chris' baby book were handed back to her in the paper bag the book came in. I grabbed a hold of the box of lunches as Joss made all efforts to sincerely apologise for something that wasn't even his fault. I decided to tag along to explain what really happened, Chrissie would understand._

_After Joss trudged out of the pub Chris leant against the pub bench sighing heavily._

_"Chris..." I soothed, knowing that she knew that something was wrong with Tessy, nothing got past Chris._

_"What really happened Jonesy?" she asked so dejected and sad I felt racked with guilt but I couldn't tell her what was really going on, what would Tess do if she found out? I'd tell her that Sammy died that way she wouldn't get too suspicious._

_"Sammy died at the start of the year, I don't think she had anything else to take her anger out on..." I said sullenly propping the box back on the bench where I wouldn't have to hold it._

_"I know, Tom told me. I'm worried about her Jonesy..." Chris said gently, she was so concerned, the deep lines on her forehead relaxed when she closed her eyes and sighed._

_"So am I" I said sitting down on the pub bench opposite her._

* * *

"We're off to the pub, you guys wanna join us?" Joss slung his jacket off his chair and put his arm through the sleeves. I didn't say anything, I was meant to be doing reports but the constant thought of Tess bugged me and 6 hours without Panadol was rearing its ugly head as the side of my head began to sting with pain and the cut in my throat burned.

"Yep, umm count me in." Tess looked over at me although I didn't face her I could see her get up from the corner of my eye.

"Hang on Sarge; I need your autograph..." Alex handed Tess the paperwork that needed to be signed and Tess sighed in disbelief.

"You guys go ahead, I'll catch up..." Tess sat back down.

"Jonesy?" The eagerness in Joss was evident, I didn't have anything left to do and the last thing I wanted was to sit in the station with Tess. I picked up the keys to my Ute that were hidden under my snow dome and the rest of the team guessed that to be a 'yes'.

Tess not coming in today?" the hopeful look on Chris' face was gone when she saw everyone bar one present at the pub. She handed me the beer I needed this whole afternoon.

"She said she would..." started Joss

"But you know the sarge, impulsive one she is..." Alex finished off Joss' sentence much to Joss' distaste and in doing so he stole my beer off me since Chris didn't hand him his soon enough.

"Who's what?" asked Tess joining the rest of us questioning Alex's abusive comment. He choked on his beer when he saw the blue beanie next to him.

Tess was ignored but quickly forgot about the comment anyway as everybody settled in and started their own conversations. I looked up at Chris who smiled; her dejected face no more.

I hopped off my stool and walked over to Tess taping her on the shoulder. She turned around and looked at me, first time that day.

"Beer Tess?" asked Chris holding up a glass ready to pour if need be.

"Not for me thanks" Tess replied quite dismally, great news that was; it meant she was taking the drugs.

Tess didn't turn around to face me again so I figured that it wasn't worth bothering her so I headed off in the direction of my little pub room, not telling anyone that I was leaving and by the looks of them they looked happy at their table without me.

"Jonesy?" Chris called after me holding up the beer I never got.

"Just something I gotta do," Chris nodded and left the beer on the bench, waiting for my return.

It wasn't until I reached my room that I realised I really didn't have anything to do but the thought of being ignored pissed me off. It was all her fault; if she never came I wouldn't have to be in love with her anymore. Maybe I'd just be better off if I just pulled up stumps and moved somewhere far, far away where there'd be no Tess, no razor blades...razor blades?

They crossed my mind when I turned on the light and saw the little brown box sitting on my bedside table. I sat down on my bed and opened the little brown box that had the chunky blades stacked up so neatly inside. It's amazing how clean they were, you'd think that they'd be tainted in her blood, the edges of the box smeared with that disgusting redness. Nah she was too careful, it wasn't a game, more like an art. She perfected the way she hated herself...somehow that didn't seem so stupid.

I picked up one of the blades from the box's tight grip, letting it sit between my thumb and my forefinger I just looked at it for a while and smiled. There was so much I just didn't understand and so much I never would.

I didn't realise what time it was until I woke, glinting metal on my stomach. I'd fallen asleep and the razor blades spilt on top of me. The raging throbbing in my head still wouldn't go away. I peered at the glowing red numbers on my alarm clock. It was only 11, that's okay I could still have that beer and maybe a chance to talk to Tess. God knows I needed to talk to her.

Walking down the stairs I saw the only 3 people left in the pub were Kelly, PJ and Tess who all still sat at their table making friendly conversation.

"Hey nice ring Tess..." came the joyful comment from an all too tired Kelly. Tess had taken the ring off and letting it sit on the table she was spinning it around with the tip of her finger making wild circles on the table.

"Thanks" Tess smiled leaving the ring be. Halfway down the stairs I stood still for a moment and watched her reaction. Tess smiled and Kelly went to pick it up off the table.

"Can I?" she asked Tess nodded and Kelly picked it up noticing the inscription she read it to herself quietly and sighed.

"Oh that's so cute! Is this from a special someone?" Kelly asked a suspicious grin on her face, it wasn't everyday that you'd learn something personal about our Sarge.

"I guess… It's a birthday present, from a friend." Tess answered quite hesitantly. I knew she wouldn't say who from, she didn't need the attention, the rumours, the embarrassment I guess.

"Whatcha keepin' from us Tessy?" asked PJ that same curious smile donned his face. He was a cluey one he was.

"Nothing..." Tess mumbled back evasively. I'd reached the table by now and PJ and Kelly got up to leave. Tess hadn't noticed me there.

"Thanks Chris..." PJ and Kelly both chimed in unison to a very busy Chris who just waved back. They both waved to us as they left and Tess got up to leave.

"Hey...?" I asked her, sitting down as she pushed her chair in. She looked at me waiting for me to finish.

"Do you have the time now, for that chat we were meant to have..." I had to give her a clue; she had no idea what I was going on about. I knew she was ignoring me but I thought she'd at least pay attention to the little attempts I tried to still stay on speaking terms.

_

* * *

The earthy ground beneath me crumbled as I shuffled my feet closer. The tips of my feet hung off the edge waiting to just let go. Looking out in front of me the blue sky around me enclosed me in its peaceful silence but the wind played havoc with my balance. Only 2 cm more and I'd be off the edge but I wanted to do it right, nothing would throw me over; I'd choose when. Standing there on the cliff's dangerous edge, looking down everything made sense, the heavy rocks and their sharp carved edges beckoned me; that's where I wanted to be, down there where everything was lost and still, where I'd lay numb and the world around me would just float away like a leaf on the tide of a gentle stream..._

* * *

Chris shooed us into the lounge, she needed the time to clean the pub up and she didn't really want us around.

Tess leant against the wall as I walked in, her arms crossed in frustration; I knew she'd rather be in bed, so would I but I needed to tell her this. Bugger her bloody mind games as far as I knew this had to be over and she had to know...

"You look tired" I said to her as she leant her head against the wall not making a sound, she looked at me in response.

"There really is nothing to talk about..." she stated just so bluntly after the couple of moments of silence that passed. She tried to head for the door, to run away like she always did.

"Hey!" I said getting in front of her before she opened the door and left. She stopped and as much as she hated she stood still and listened.

"You can't just keep running away like that..." I said my tone quite angry, I never liked to admit it then but there was just something about Tess that I really hated.

"Running from what?" Tess reciprocated that same tone and made it sound like she didn't understand; she knew exactly what I meant.

"From everything that's important!" I didn't need to spell it out to her.

"You're not important!" she read my mind, I was never important to her was I? Never good enough.

"Right, that'd explain why you've been ignoring me..." I said bitterly fighting back that pure sense of worthlessness that she made me feel.

"I haven't been ignoring you..." she tried to explain, I wasn't taking her pathetic excuses.

"Oh, that's right I forgot, the property cage just needed some cleaning...I'm sick of your bullshit Tess, just 'cause you're a self centred, inconsiderate..." I stopped myself before I could say what I was really meant to. The look on Tess' face stopped me. I wasn't sorry though, I'd had enough of her.

"So that's what you really think of me?" Tess whispered so very angry at my words, she didn't need sympathy though, not after everything she'd done.

"Oh what the hell am I meant to think Tess? I just saved you from getting a bullet through your head and then you just pretend it never happened?"

"You think it didn't hurt seeing you do that? Telling Paul that you'd rather die because I was actually worth it?" Tess was screaming at me. She didn't mean what she said, she couldn't of; she hated me.

"Nah Tess, nothing hurts you; you're just one big blob of apathetic nothingness. I don't even know why I ever fell in love with you..." I don't think I realised that I hurt her when I said that, in fact I don't even think I cared.

"Nothing hurts me? How do you think it feels, waking up every morning knowing that you're a worthless piece of shit?"

I pretended not to hear, I didn't need to hear it.

"I don't care Tess, just get over it..." I don't think that came out right, it wasn't meant to sound like that...

Tears fell down Tess' cheeks and there was nothing I was going to do to stop them.

"You know when you left Mt. Thomas, I tried to forget you Tess, I really did and maybe if I wasn't so bloody in love with you it would have been a lot easier..."

"Don't say that..." I don't know what she meant by that, it's not like she cared that I loved her.

"Say what? That I just don't want to love you anymore because it's just too hard? Well get used to it...I don't want to love you; I don't want to put up with this anymore. I'm just gonna forget that you ever meant anything to me because Tess you aren't worth it! You really aren't!"

I was screaming so loud at her that I didn't even see Chris come in, nor did I realise that I was in the pub, that it was late or that I was making so much noise.

"Jonesy!" she shouted at me standing at the parlour entrance her hands on her hips in total disgust. "What do you think you're doing? It's the middle of the night, people are asleep and I don't know about you but the last thing I'd want if I were asleep was to be awoken by two screaming idiots..."

"Sorry Chrissie..." I pleaded with her but she wasn't angry at the noise, just one look at Tess wiping the tears off her cheeks made Chris distraught. Tess headed for the door and Chris went to follow her out, still glaring at me pathetically.

"Tess...you right?" Chris soothed Tess from just outside the door.

"Yeah look I better just go home..." Tess' voice sounded tear stricken and lonely but it wasn't enough to make me feel bad.

I heard Tess leave and Chris was in the parlour again looking daggers at me, why was it suddenly all my fault?

"What did you do to her Evan?" Chris was serious, she never called me Evan.

"She got what she deserved Chris..." it's all I'd say before Chris basically threw me out of the parlour.

"Not another peep out of you, you hear...?" Chris warned me as I walked the stairs "Or you'll be sleeping on the street."


	9. Tuesday: Forever Goodbye

It's been a long time coming but here it is, the third last chapter, oh and again I apologise for the length but that what exams do to you, silly things! There isn't much to go so hang in there! Oh and tell me if you hate it too, I'd love to hear if you do!

**To Paula: **Ahh good to see someone's reading, here's the next chap especially for you! I wonder where the others are?

**Disclaimer: **I own none of the characters you recognise to be Heelers, the others are a product of my imagination.

**Tuesday: Forever Goodbye**

No matter how many times I hit my head against the wall it hurt just the same but I kept going anyway, I had to make it hurt bad because I deserved it.

I hit it really hard one last time, made myself all dizzy. I couldn't walk to bed and I just collapsed on the floor, that's where I'd stay.

My head screamed for Panadol but it was all gone, I wasn't gonna get anymore because I didn't want it, it just numbed the pain, it didn't make it go away forever.

My throat stung viciously, I don't think they were meant to run out so fast...it didn't matter though. I curled up on the floor but I didn't close my eyes, if I did all I'd see was Tess.

Do you think she really loved me?

Lying there, so curled up I wished she did but I hoped she wouldn't, I didn't deserve it.

I had to make her words play over and over in my head to punish myself: "How do you think it feels, waking up every morning knowing that you're a worthless piece of shit?" She was right, she hurt too. Why didn't I see that before? Guess I was too self-centred to notice.

I don't think I meant it though, like bashing my head against the wall in my room, no matter how many times I'd try to stop loving Tess, I'd love her just the same.

She didn't have to do this to me though! Why so much pain? Maybe it isn't her that's hurting me...maybe it's this stupid disease, 'depression'. I scoffed at how I made myself say it but I knew I was right, I wasn't fighting with Tess I was fighting that stupid disease and if I let it get to me it'd hurt me even more.

_The earthy ground beneath her crumbled as she shuffled her feet closer. The tips of her feet hung off the edge just waiting to let go. Looking out at her I saw the blue sky around us enclosing us in its peaceful silence. _

_She stretched out her arms, letting the wind blow under them, so powerful and strong I'd though it would just lift her up. Only 2 cm more and she'd be off the edge but she wanted to do it right, nothing would throw her over and nothing would stop her; she'd choose when. Standing there on the cliff's dangerous edge, I saw her face when she looked down, everything made sense. The heavy rocks and their sharp carved edges beckoned her; that's where she wanted to be, down there where everything was lost and still, where she'd lay numb and the world around her would just float away like a leaf on the tide of a gentle stream._

_"Tess!" I screamed out to her, her back to me. If I could touch her I wouldn't let her do it and if she could hear me she would turn around._

_"Tess!" I tried again but nothing happened, she was still there. Her hat covered in brown dust lay at her feet and the wind ripped through her shirt but she still stood there ever so still._

_She was looking down so I stood next to her and looked down with her, the height made me sick, the dizziness in my head made it ache but she kept looking, don't know what she was looking for. I tried to touch her but I couldn't. I knew she saw me there because when she looked at me with her deep blue eyes that reflected the sky she looked so calm, so peaceful._

_"Tess, don't do it!" I warned her but the dirt under her feet shuffled as she stepped over the edge, letting the wind catch her when she fell._

_"Tess!" I screamed out to her, falling on the cliff's floor I tried to reach out to her over the edge, she fell so slowly but I couldn't reach her. Everything was so slow. I tried to look at her face but it faded away, everything did. Everything was black and white and so deeply blurry._

My eyes burst open to see the deep cherry wood of my bedside table in front of me. The smell of lacquer hurt my brain, my forehead pressed against the wood made it warm.

I have to stop doing that, those dreams are bloody scary but I don't think they'll stop.

My head ached like never before and my hand held up to my forehead didn't help. It was like a really big awful hangover except it didn't go away. Barely lifting myself off the ground I checked my clock, great it was 9.00; I was late.

_

* * *

I wanted to know more about Tessy being sick, she wouldn't talk to me so I consulted her mum._

_"So she's finally gotten to you?" Denise asked when she opened the door and saw that it was me._

_"You could say that..." I answered back while she let me in and escorted me to the little patio outside._

_"I didn't know what to think when we came back from the docs...My girl, depressed. I wouldn't believe it at first! I told the doc he got it wrong but I guess somehow I knew..."_

_"You knew about Tess being depressed?" I thought Tess would hide it from her mother; she was so good at hiding things._

_"Have you found her razor blades yet?" Denise asked_

_"Yeah..." I said back._

_"Yeah well when I saw her sticking them into her wrists I knew something was wrong." I sighed, hearing the hurt in Tess' mum voice._

_"She didn't give herself enough time to grieve Evan...You know what she did with all those photos of Sammy?" Denise asked me thinking I'd know._

_"What photos?" I asked confused._

_"Oh she didn't tell you? I didn't think she would. All the photos she ever took of Sammy, she just burnt them all! Luckily I saved this one; otherwise I don't think I'd ever be able to see my grand daughter's face again..."_

* * *

My heart pounded as I made myself walk through the back door of the station. What would I tell her if I saw her? Best not to say anything I guess, have to stay angry.

"...and Wally's kindly informed us that his security system is on the blink again!" The Sarge exclaimed almost sarcastically as the others in the station moaned in annoyance. I shouldn't have just walked into read-out like that, I should have sat outside for a while...too late.

"Can't we just ignore 'em?" suggested Joss while I made my way through the corridor.

"With all this cement..." she stopped when she saw me walk by.

"Sorry Sarge..." I muttered almost incoherently but she continued.

"...going missing, we have no choice..." Everyone was surprised at the fact that Tess didn't scold me for coming in late, so was I.

"I wish someone would just steal the bloody system, that'd save us all the trouble..." muttered Alex.

"Yeah look, we here to do a job; don't forget that..." Tess was in a good mood considering, maybe it was just all an act.

"Anything on the Thomas case?" asked PJ, another grizzly murder for him to solve, that made his day.

"Paul should be getting back to you. He mentioned something about Laura's Aunt? He said you should check it out before he gets here." Tess was a bit confused but she knew PJ would understand.

"Oh right, the aunt...I'm on to it. Can I take Jones?" PJ asked.

"Nope...he's with the Sarge, you get me..." Amy said, pulling her arm through the sleeve of her jacket. PJ was satisfied with the arrangement but I wasn't, thought I was meant to be ignoring her. It's just my day isn't it?

PJ and Amy left while Tess was handing out the last of today's orders.

"Alright, Jones is on patrol with me. Kelly and Joss you still have to settle that matter with Mrs. Rogers and Balthazar..."

"He didn't do it Sarge!" Kelly exclaimed, the thought of the goat getting punished disgusted her.

"In your dreams Kel!" Joss laughed

"Joss, he was set-up!" Kelly was damn serious about defending the goat.

"That's why he's got petunias all over him..." Joss managed to add before Kelly gave him the cold shoulder and they both got up to leave.

"And Kirby, those reports need to be on the Boss' desk before 2.00." Tess managed to add finally before she swiped her hat off her desk and grabbed the keys to the car. I should have hid in the mess-room, I didn't wanna go on patrol with Tess it was the last thing I needed.

"You comin'?" she asked half way out the station's entrance. I uncrossed my arms, got up from leaning against my desk and followed her.

"Hey, Tess?" I called out to her, it was pitch black and I was worried about her. Someone said she'd be at Patterson's cliff so I drove down.

"Tess, it's the middle of the night, aren't you cold?" I walked up to her and sat down next to her on the edge of the cliff.

"Hmmm?" she asked when she finally noticed that I was sitting next to her.

"Here..." I said wrapping my jacket around her back to keep her warm but she gave it back.

"It's okay, I'm not cold..." well that wasn't true she was shivering but I wasn't going to insist.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked somewhat curious.

"You know how some people have those special places that make them safe…a place where everything make sense?" Tess said to me looking out at the blackness around her.

"Yeah?" I answered.

"Well this is my place. Everything makes sense here..."

We didn't talk in the car. To be honest I wasn't surprised, in fact I was relieved. Tess drove so I got to lean my forehead against the window to numb the bruise that was beginning to form on it. I closed my eyes too; I wanted to just go to sleep. Maybe if I did she'd send me home?

"Jones?" Damn! She had to wake me.

"Mmm?" I muttered head still pressed against the glass; don't think that was making it better though.

"Don't think I'm gonna let them pay you overtime if you keep falling asleep on the job!" Tess was telling me off, good this would make things easier.

I didn't reply but I didn't have to, the speeding blue Toyota coming off Penthope Rd caught her attention. She slammed on the brakes and did a 180 and sped after the maniac that managed to get away before she made to the intersection.

"Damn!" Tess yelled hitting the steering wheel. My forehead hit the window hard when Tess stopped suddenly to let another car through.

"Arg!" Great! Now my bruise had a bruise.

"Did you get the rego?" Tess asked as I rubbed my forehead and she went to turn the siren off.

"Nope" I muttered, still rubbing hard trying to avoid the tender blue bruise.

"Oh, that'd be right Jones. Look you keep them eyes open Jones or you'll be walking back to the station." Tess was aggravated at my lack of concern but she wasn't the one with the pounding headache.

"Not my fault I'm on patrol with you, you did the rosters..." I managed to say before Tess slammed on the brakes again stopping mid-way down Penthope Rd. I hit my head against the glass again; you think I would have learnt the first time.

"That's it! Get out!" Tess screamed at me, her patience wasn't something to play with.

"Sarge..." I whined.

"That's an order Jones!" I didn't know she was aloud to do this.

"It's an hour's walk Tess!" I complained again, I should've just shut up.

"Get out and walk!" Tess screamed at me yet again. I had no choice, guess it'd be a lovely country stroll for me.

_

* * *

That cliff really haunted me. You don't think that's a funny place to go whenever something's wrong?_

_But hey what would I know about Tess? I feel as if there's so much of her that I don't get anymore._

* * *

The scorching sun burnt the back of my neck to add to the agonising vicious pain in my throat and the sick dizziness and fatigue that kept swirling around and around in my head. It hadn't stopped since this morning and I wanted so desperately for it to just go away.

Half way up the street I could see the station, a little red speck with its blue sign. Great only a little more, wish I wasn't so tired...

I had to drag my feet down the path because they wouldn't lift, the soles of my shoes started to wear away at the edges. What I wouldn't do for a nice cold glass of beer but I still had half a kilometre to go.

My tongue along with the deep cut in my throat burnt and my muscles ached, I swear if she ever makes me do this again, I'll give up talking to her for good!

"What happened to you!" exclaimed the Boss as I staggered in through the door. I collapsed like a heap of heavy coal on my chair and my head rest on my desk.

"She made me walk..." I mumbled as the Boss stood there in question.

"From Penthope rd?" The Boss asked, he didn't think Tess was that cruel.

I moaned in response and rested there for a while.

"You right there Jonesy?" asked a smiling PJ who leaned his head over mine to look into my eyes, they were shut though.

"The Sergeant made him walk..." was all the Boss had to say. PJ smiled again.

"Didn't think an hour's walk could kill anyone..." said PJ slapping my back in a friendly way, if only he'd known that it was still so heavily bruised.

"Arg!" I moaned in pain again while Peej silently apologised.

"Hey nice tan Jonesy!" chimed Alex whilst coming in from the mess room a glass of icy cold water in his hand. I could almost taste it pouring down my throat, quenching my painful thirst. Alex popped it on my desk next to me and I lifted my head up to see the glistening glass. I smiled in thanks.

"What's this I hear about the Sarge kicking you outta the cop car?" Alex asked sitting in his desk next to me, flicking through his paperwork. I didn't say anything in reply, didn't want to lose the lasts bits of energy I had left.

"Told you she was evil..." Alex chuckled while the Boss picked up the ringing phone off the Sarge's desk. "...next thing you know she'll be making you build pyramids..." Alex continued before I cut in.

"Speaking of the Sarge, where is she?" I asked, I knew she would have been back by now.

"Taken some personal time." Alex responded just before the Boss cut in.

"That was Mr. Ogden, says his alarm system's been smashed!" the Boss secretly smiled to himself but remained all the more serious.

"Yes! Our prayers have been answered!" Alex was overjoyed at the news.

"You gonna go rub in it?" the Boss asked Alex who already headed for the keys rack.

"Sure am! Jones you coming?" Alex asked as I was sculling down the last of what was left of the water.

"Think Jones might pass..." The Boss answered for me when I looked at him hopelessly.

"Alright but you're missing out..." Alex teased as he headed out.

The Sarge was gone for a good half hour and I was bored of filing. Sitting there drumming my fingers against the edge of my desk I felt a tad better but the dizziness still didn't go away.

The drumming attracted the attention of Kelly who looked up for a moment and smiled when she realised that I was bored. I sat there for ages just staring at my desk, it was unusual for Tess to just go for no reason.

"Kel, did Tess say where she was going?" I asked Kelly thinking the Sarge might have said something that no-one thought important enough to mention.

"No, sorry. She just got up and left really..." Kelly went back to whatever it was that she was doing and I went back to staring at my desk. There was something strange about it. Didn't know what at first but then I realised, my desk was tidy, it was never tidy! I know that 'cause Tess kept nagging me to tidy it. Looks like it got to her so much she did it herself!

But the more I looked at it the more I realised it wasn't the desk she wanted to attract my attention to, it was the note that was next to a pile of reports, almost hidden under them; it was stuffed under my snow dome to keep it from blowing away.

I picked the note up looking at the happy bright yellow paper it was written on but the scribbly mess that was Tess' writing, proved otherwise.

I read it carefully to myself making sure that I was reading it right:

"Evan, I can't do it anymore; I tried and it doesn't work, I don't want to keep fighting because it hurts too much. When you find me, there won't be any time to say goodbye. Tell the others everything will be okay..." I don't think she finished it, it was too short but her name was scribbled in the right hand corner so she must have. I looked at it and I knew something was wrong, the last word of nearly every sentence crushed downward into the right hand side of the page, just barely hanging on.

I knew what it was, what she meant. She was finally gonna do it, I didn't know she wanted it that bad.

Scrunching the note up into a ball in my fist I was so damn angry, I wasn't going to let her do it, not like I did in my dream. I loved her too much; I needed to tell her that.

"Boss?" The Boss looked at me getting out from around my desk.

"Yes?" he asked quite drowsily, it was the weather it was making everyone tired.

"Can I take some personal time?" I asked making my way to the door; it wouldn't matter if he said 'no' I was leaving anyway.

"Yeah, you could do with some actually, go home and get some rest. Be back by the afternoon shift though, we need you on duty Jones..." the rest of that I hardly heard as I was halfway in the cop car.

I looked at the little digital clock on the inside when I started the car. It was 11.04, 'Maybe I shouldn't bother?' I thought to myself as I unscrewed the note from the tight ball I had made it into before. 'Maybe she really wanted this and no matter what I'd do I wouldn't be able to stop her?' I thought about it seriously, my head saying that I'd never be able to find her anyway but my heart telling me that I had to stop her because if I didn't she wouldn't be the only one that would be hurt, I would be too.

I sat in the car with the engine on for a while, closing my eyes trying to think of where she'd be. Where would she go? It had to be someplace she knew. Someplace she felt comfortable. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to remember something...anything! She'd mentioned the State Park, taken me there before, told me that the huge cliff was the only place that ever made any sense anymore. Patterson's cliff! It was in my dream too! My heart pounding as I put the car into gear and drove down the driveway. I drove in the direction of the State park, it was worth a try.

It amazing how much my head stopped hurting when I finally pulled over into the path that lead up to the cliff. Her car was there, I felt so relieved but I didn't want to get out. I was too scared that I might have been too late; I couldn't face seeing her lying there motionless knowing that she'd never wake up. I had to wipe away the tears that fell down my cheeks, stupid wuss that I was.

My hand reached out for the door but I couldn't open it, so I leant back in the seat and told myself I was a bloody coward! That didn't help. I had to prepare myself for the worst and I hated doing it. I tried to imagine what she'd look like down there so when I got there I wouldn't be so scared. I understood why I'd be so scared but everyone has to die, don't they? Maybe it's just Tess' time? But as I sat there I thinking about her I couldn't pretend anymore that she didn't mean anything to me, that I'd just forget about her like I said I would.

I opened the door and made myself walk up the path, breathing so deeply to control the tears that would inevitably fall again.

When I saw her standing there on the edge it looked nothing like what I thought it would. She stood there looking out at the sky in front of her, that silent blue sky. Her feet on the very edge, I was so scared she'd do it but so relieved she hadn't. I just wanted to run up to her and pull her away, hold her and never let her go. But I had to be gentle.

"Tess?" she turned around for a brief couple of seconds but went back to looking at the sky. I walked up a couple of steps till I was only metres from her but as she shuffled her feet further past the edge I freaked.

"Tessy, please. Don't do it..." I don't think she was listening. I edged in just that bit closer. I had to take the risk; I couldn't watch her throw herself off knowing that I didn't do anything to stop it.

She stood there so silently, almost as if she'd forgotten I was there. I was so close I could just touch her now, just a little bit further...

"You know, if you jump, I'll have to jump down after you..." I told her almost standing next to her. It was something that I thought of outta desperation, I couldn't just wait any longer. Tess looked at me when I said that and I noticed something that was so very strange. Tess wasn't crying, instead she had this eerie sense of peace about her. I didn't understand.

"...I won't have a reason to live if you're not here with me..." I continued hoping she'd give in, maybe if she realised that I didn't mean what I said, that I really did love her. Maybe she'd step away?

She looked at me again and sighed, looking at the rocks down beneath her for the very last time she turned around to face me.

"It's okay, I can't do it..." she sounded disappointed but I didn't care, I flung my arms around her and held her so close and so tight.

I couldn't control myself from crying, and my head buried itself in her shoulder. I wanted her to hug me back but she didn't, her arms stayed straight by her sides and she waited for me to let her go.

When I did I looked at her, so pathetically scared.

"Tessy, why do you wanna die?" I tried to hold her hand but she backed away, she didn't want me to touch her.

"How'd you find me?" Tess asked, she was changing the subject.

"I dunno, I just guessed...look it doesn't matter..."

"I couldn't do it but I wanted to..." Tess started again.

"Why Tessy?" I asked, I felt concerned, she was so hurt and I just wanted to make it all go away.

"I figured, if you don't love me, nobody will." Tess looked straight at me.

"That isn't true", I wiped away the tears falling down my cheeks and I looked at her beautiful blue eyes that were looking back at me. She started to walk back to the car and I followed behind her not saying much until we got there. She sat on the bonnet of her car and she looked at me when I joined her.

"I just want you to love me." she didn't look at me when she said that but I saw the dejected look on her face.

"I already do..." I said back to her.

"You said you didn't" Tess almost whispered but she didn't lose her calm composure.

"I know but I didn't mean it. I was just angry..." I tried to explain but Tess didn't let me.

"Angry at me! You were angry at me 'cause it's all my fault...I keep hurting you, I keep hurting everyone. I hurt Sammy..."

"Sammy?" I asked not understanding anything she meant but Tess wasn't listening.

"I should have just jumped. Why didn't I do it?" Tess asked herself more than she asked me. She rubbed her palm against her forehead and I knew she was angry with herself.

"Maybe you've got too much to live for Tessy?" I suggested hoping she'd agree.

"No, I haven't got anything to live for."

"What about me?" I asked, stupid thing to ask but I needed to know.

"You don't need me..." she sighed heavily, she wanted so desperately to be loved.

"I do Tess. What I said yesterday was stupid and you can't even begin to imagine how sorry I am...I love you Tess and for what it's worth I'll never stop loving you because I can't, I've tried and I can't do it. You mean the world to me and I never want to lose you...ever." Those damn tears were back again and I wiped them away as soon as I felt them. Tess looked at me solemnly and reached out to hold my hand. Holding my hand she made me feel so much better, it was incredible.

"I thought them anti-depressants were meant to work!" I began to get angry again.

"You're meant to give them a couple of days..." Tess tried to explain but I didn't want to hear excuses.

"It's been a couple of days!" I shouted just so damn frustrated.

Tess sighed and looked down at her knees. "Sorry...I'm such an impatient bugger Tess, I just want you to get better...now."

"I can't." Tess said still looking down. I nodded in response because I knew that was true, as much as I wanted the old Tess back she wouldn't back, not for a long while.

"It's hard isn't it?" I asked. Tess nodded and she checked her watch.

"Tess, promise me you won't ever do it again..."

"Do what?" Tess asked a bit confused.

"Hurt yourself like that."

"I can't promise anything..."

"Tessy..." I pleaded with her but Tess just checked her watch again.

"C'mon, we better get back to work..." she replied hopping off the bonnet and jumping into the driver seat of her car.

_

* * *

I stared at my little wallet sized photo of Sammy for a long while now, wondering why Tess would want to just forget her like that. I know I couldn't and she wasn't even my daughter._

_My lack of work caught Kelly's attention._

_"Is that the photo of Sammy you showed me a while ago?"_

_"Yeah...only one I've got." I said back not taking my eyes of the photo._

_"Were you her father Jonesy?" I didn't know where she got that from._

_"Nah, Tess was married for a little while. It didn't work out though."_

_"Oh, right. I hope she's okay though. I can't imagine what it's like..." _

_"Neither can I."_

* * *

Tess refused to let me drive her home, she mumbled something about needing to finish her shift, I just wanted her home 'cause it drove me crazy thinking about how truly scared I was for her. No actually maybe it was a good idea she stayed, at least I could keep an eye on her this time; make sure she didn't do anything stupid.

Wiping the last couple of sorry tears that fell down my cheeks I tried to get out of the car but the sick dizziness in my head threw me back down as soon as I stood. What was with me? I was feeling crook all morning! Bloody headache wouldn't go away either, once it realised Tess was safe it made a come back aching more than it did before.

"Hey? You right there?" I didn't think I actually sat there for as long as I did, Joss was taping at the cop car's window indicating for me to get out. I got out sluggishly finally making it to the station entrance.

Walking in I didn't get greeted with the usual chorus of acknowledgement instead everybody stared. I smiled shyly not knowing what was wrong.

"You okay Jonesy?" Kelly asked concerned, I think she noticed that awful redness in your eyes just after you've been crying really hard.

"Yeah, I guess..." I wasn't gonna say anything about Tess and nor was I in the mood to complain about that dull headache of mine, in fact I was growing quite accustomed to it's presence.

I walked past a couple more concerned stares until I reached the mess room where PJ was doing his usual scotch finger and coffee ritual.

I grabbed a glass of water and PJ noticed me.

"Hey mate?" he asked in a quite matter of fact way although you could just taste the curiosity in his voice.

"Mmm?" I asked not particularly interested in what he had to say. I was going to wash my face but I didn't want to draw any attention to the fact that I had been crying. He noticed anyway.

"You right mate?"

"Yep..." I reply just as fast as he asked.

"You sure?" He tried again.

"Yep."

"You and the Sarge look like you've just been to a funeral..."

"Almost did..." I wasn't meant to say that as loud as I did.

"Pardon?" he asked even more intrigued.

"Nothin'" I said trying to divert his attention away from me.

"Jones?" I heard Alex call from his desk. I rushed over giving Peej no more time needed to ask questions. I shouldn't have walked that fast, my head pounded and my ears swelled from the noise it made.

"Yeah?" I asked grimacing hard to dull the headache.

"You're on patrol with me, Sarge's orders..." he didn't finish his sentence when I headed for the key rack; I'd just about had enough of this stupid headache but I didn't want it to get to me.

Shouldn't have turned around as fast as I did but in hindsight I don't really think it would have mattered, I would've ended up on the floor anyway...

"Jonesy?" It only took a couple of seconds for me to realise I'd fainted and only a couple more 'till that evil blackness came back and I couldn't see anything anymore.

"Sarge? Can...Jonesy's fainted...hospital?" I think my hearing was going too couldn't make sense of what was going on.

"Evan?" I could hear Tess' voice sounding all concerned and it wasn't long after that, that I think I just gave up.

_

* * *

It only took about 5 minutes when I first saw Tess again to realise that things would never be the same again, probably because I didn't want them to. I wanted a 'normal' life, somebody to come home to._

_Susie was 'normal' enough, I liked her but I probably didn't love her but than again I'd never want to fall in love again. I promised myself I wouldn't. _

* * *

Ever felt like you were flying but you knew you weren't? That's exactly what this felt like.

"Evan Jones, P.B.160 over 80, came in unconscious..." I knew that voice from somewhere, couldn't see who it was though...

"Hey Evan, can you hear me?" The doctor cut in and pulled back my eyelids, flashing his little light right into my eyes, stupid idiot nearly blinded me!

"...looks like he may have overdosed on some kind of painkiller..."

"What's his history?" the doc asked the triage nurse while I struggled to open my eyes.

"Been here on one occasion with a cut throat, it wasn't too deep though..." I was being pushed somewhere, the flashes of passing white wall burnt my eyes.

"You were the nurse on duty?"

"Yep, Resident doc was Reynolds, told me to let him go the day after."

"Great, alright let's get him a room..." I felt us stop in the middle of somewhere, still couldn't tell where but I didn't needed to, I think I must have just blacked out again.

The beeping machines almost drove me insane; I can tell you I never missed them. Opening my eyes was still a bit hard so I just let my ears do all the searching, my head still throbbed though, thought this place was meant to fix it!

"Is he gonna be okay?" I heard Tess ask, where'd she come from? I didn't think she'd bother to come along. I must have been wrong though, I guess she does care.

"Once we get this through him he should be fine, you wouldn't happen to know anything about his Panadol intake?" The doc asked, he sounded far away.

"Sorry?" Tess asked confused.

"I guess not then, it looks like Evan overdosed on Panadol." I actually thought that was pretty funny, if I could have laughed I think I would have. Overdosing on Panadol...whatever! I didn't take that many!

"What do you mean he O.D.ed on Panadol?"

"He went through the pack in a day and a half. That's about oh...3 times the amount of paracetamol you're aloud to have in a day..."

I didn't want to listen anymore and when I felt Tess leave I made myself go back to sleep.

_

* * *

She said she hurt Sammy. I kept wondering what that meant. She didn't really hurt her did she? Maybe there's more to this then I know?_

* * *

"You wouldn't mind reading what that says just there?" The pharmacist handed me a brand new shiny packet of Panadol.

"Take two tablets every four hours when necessary...Not more than 8 tablets in 24 hours." I barely finished reading before the pharmacist cut in again.

"Great, you can read. Still doesn't explain why you managed to scoff the whole packet in a day and a half?" The pharmacist asked suspiciously. Great this is what just what I was waiting for, the incredibly long bloody lecture I'd get for something as pitiful as taking so much Panadol.

"Evan? Care to explain?" The pharmacist was at me again. I looked over at Tess who looked a bit embarrassed sitting next to me on my bed.

"Umm...it wouldn't make the pain go away, so I just took some more..." I explained. I meant emotional pain but you never tell another man that, he'd think you're loony although I guess the pharmacist thought I was a nut already.

"Right, well you just about killed yourself, luckily you were extremely dehydrated and managed to faint otherwise we would have never known and you would have sustained irreversible liver damage."

"Great!" I mumbled sarcastically.

"Alright we need to get this into you, it's called Acetylcytene and it gets rid of all the toxin the paracetamol has produced in your body and to make sure you don't faint on us again here's some lovely re-hydration fluid, taste like crap but you'll live..."

He could have blabbed on for ages, personally I didn't care what they were gonna do to me, anything to fix this headache.

Having some weird looking fluid pump through your body wasn't as easy as I thought it was, stupid stuff made me sick and yet I still had to eat 'cause apparently I'd starved myself for the past 4 days and I was at risk of just curling up and dying so I had to put up with it. The hard part had to be the 20 hours I'd spend in this place having the damn fluid pumped through me...at least I got to miss work.

I heard the door open and so I opened my eyes, it was Lillie she must have been the triage nurse. She was coming to tell me how stupid I was I guess, everybody else was!

"Hey Evan!" She smiled graciously and sat down next to me.

"Hey" I mumbled back and managed a half smile.

"You don't look too good..." she started I cut her off though.

"Something to do with Panadol, bloody pharmacist!" I mumbled back angrily.

"Oh no, you got the lecture from John?" she smiled and looked like she felt sorry for me. "He's a bit of a bastard at times but a real good pharmacist at that."

"Don't tell me he's like that all the time?" I asked a tad surprised.

"Yeah, you should see the lectures we nurses get when a student nurse accidentally gets the dosage wrong. Insensitive moron thinks we can't make mistakes!" she chuckled but looked over to see that I wasn't smiling. "I'm umm...just going to have lunch but I popped over to see if everything's okay. I mean is there a reason you took so much Panadol?"

"Oh not you too!" I whinged back to her, indicating I had endured enough questions for the day. She ignored me though and proceeded her interrogation.

"Is something wrong with Tess?" she asked concerned.

"Besides nearly throwing herself of a cliff today she's fine!" I almost whispered hoping Lil would get the hint that everything wasn't okay.

"Did you manage to talk her round?" asked Lillie quite concerned.

"Sorta but it's more that fact that she couldn't do it. I don't think I would have been able to convince her if she really wanted to..."

"What do you suppose made her want to jump?" she asked calmly.

"Me! I told her I didn't love her, I didn't mean it though...she must have taken it literally. I just want the old Tess back, the one I'm in love with!"

I wouldn't have thought I'd bare my soul to a nurse I'd just met two times but she had this way of getting things outta me. I guess she was in the right profession.

"Here, I'll give you things from her point of view...She's lost a very important person in her life, her baby girl and unfortunately she became one of the few that couldn't pick themselves up again. She thinks she doesn't have anything to live for and she looks for all the evidence that suggests she doesn't...like you telling her you didn't love her, you mightn't have meant it but for her it was just another reason to go jump off that cliff. You gotta understand you mean more than you think to Tess, she wants your support and when she doesn't get it she think that death is the only option...don't let her think that Evan. You might have to wait a long while before the old Tess comes back but love this Tess for awhile..."

"This Tess is a bit hard to love..." I said.

"Just try. And make sure you look after yourself too...worrying about someone so much isn't too good for you..." Lillie looked at her watch briefly before she finished.

"Oh look I gotta go have lunch but you hang in there alright Jonesy? And remember she didn't jump off that cliff, that's a good sign!" she smiled before she left and I went back to feeling that drug pump through me, like I was before.

_

* * *

Wise words they were. "...make sure you look after yourself..." If only Lil mentioned to tell that to Tess but then Tess wouldn't listen anyway, she has this brilliant way of only wanting to hear what she wants to. I don't know how I'd bring myself to cope with her but I had to try didn't I? I care about her._

* * *

I felt something warm on my forehead. I opened my eyes and saw Tess looking down at me, her hand on my forehead.

"Tess?" I almost whispered. She hadn't come to visit for the last 5 hours and I thought she'd forgotten.

"Hey, sorry I woke you..." she apologised her hand brushing through my hair.

"Nah it's fine, can't sleep much anyway." She smiled when I told her that. I hadn't seen her smile in ages.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, her soothing voice sounded guilty.

"Tired I guess..." Couldn't tell her I felt like shit now could I? Tess sighed and looked away for a brief second.

"I'm sorry..." Tess sounded sad. "...if it weren't for me you wouldn't be here, so I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to worry about me so much, in fact don't worry about me..."

"Easier said than done Tessy, I'm always gonna worry about you…" I don't think that helped, Tess looked even guiltier.

"Better let you get some sleep." she noticed how tired I sounded. And pulled the hospital blanket over me, the one I managed to fling to the other side of my bed. She tucked me in before leaning over to kiss my forehead. I loved it when she did that.

"Try and go to sleep hey? Can't see you miss too much work..." She smiled; I didn't think she was joking. I smiled back and she stroked my forehead again.

"Sweet dreams Evan..."

"Thanks, I could do with some." I smiled before I closed my eyes and she left.


	10. Wednesday: Her Hero

Hello my fellow fic readers, this chapter you'll love, I love it therefore you shall find great comfort in reading it! Oh and excuse the corniness as well as thedescriptiveness, it's incredibly hard to put pictures into words!

**Paula: "**Keep it coming" Hmm I shall…although not for too much longer!

**Paige: **Aw, it's really _that_ amazing? Naw! Umm repetitive it is, only because I had to shove Jonesy back into hospital for all good reasons though…plus the Panadol overdose showed how much of himself he sacrificed in worrying about Tess…does that make sense? Well anyway I'll tone down on the repetitiveness!

**Disclaimer: **Heelers--> Channel Seven's Everyone else--> **mine!**

**Wednesday: Her hero**

It must have been late-afternoon when I remember waking up again, yeah come to think of it was; the dim light reflecting off my pub room wall told me so.

My body still ached from being abused with paracetamol but it found refugee in sleep, I could forget everything then; no painful reminder that my life was a crumbling wreck...just peace.

I went to roll over to the other side of my bed where my annoying but loyal alarm clock stood and if I didn't notice her sooner I would have rolled into her.

"Tess?" I asked myself really, she was still very much asleep curled up on one side, facing me, hugging my pillow to keep her self warm.

She was still in uniform so she mustn't have been here long.

I loved watching her sleep; there was something so satisfying about the way she looked. I wondered if she escaped too, whether everything was just as peaceful as it looked on the outside. Whether she could forget the crumbling wreck that was her life.

I shuffled closer to her, unintentionally I guess, she kind of drew me to her; only centimetres away from her I could just bask in the way she smelt. She always smelt so good; it always made me want to be close.

The peaceful ambience she created almost let me lose myself, I loved the way she made me feel and most of all I loved the way I felt about her; I could just lie there with her for hours, watch her sleep and know that even if she'll never be mine she'll always be the closest friend I've ever had.

I let my fingers run across her cheek and down her neck where my hand rest on her back and with my arm around her I hugged her before I let her sleep some more.

I pressed my forehead against hers and felt her warm breath upon my cheek and that sweet smell of Tess that I loved. I was so comfortable and warm that I almost fell asleep again but Tess sighed softly before opening her eyes.

"Evan?" she whispered very softly, she wondered how I got to be so close without her letting me. I smiled at her and I guess she was too tired to push me away. She smiled when she saw me look at her the way I did, I too wondered what she was doing, in my bed, with me.

"I came to keep an eye on you, I wasn't meant to fall asleep..." she explained sighing softly.

"Hey, I don't mind." I smiled to her and she looked at me for a little while.

"Umm...what time is it?" she asked before I took my arm from around her and she rubbed her tired face with her hand and rolled onto her back. I leaned over her to check on my clock which had hidden itself down the very back of my bedside table. My hand on the other side of Tess kept me from falling on top of her. I tried to see the glowing red numbers but they were hidden away further.

"Umm fiveish..?" I finally responded, "Sorry, I can't see the rest..." I smiled to Tess who had been looking at me longingly for sometime now. The dazed look in her eyes caught my attention for a little while.

She brushed her fingers through the bottom half of my hair and then down my neck caressing it gently. She looked at me a little while longer and I at her surprised by the way she managed to make my stomach fill with butterflies at the way she so innocently touched me.

"Tess..." I whispered softly, letting myself lean in a bit closer, her hand on my neck moved down my chest and up over my back and she pulled me down towards her letting me lean on top of her. She closed her eyes as my lips brushed against hers and she moaned softly when I kissed her cheek gently. Her other hand made its way up my arm and across my shoulder to my neck where Tess buried her fingers in my hair, her nose nudged gently against my cheekbone and the feel of her warm breath against my lips made me weak. Her hand slid down my left ear and caressed my cheek again.

"Evan..." she whispered before I pressed my forehead against hers and kissed her lips gingerly making sure she'd let me continue. My heart raced when my bottom lip slid over hers, making her lip moist. I groaned softly and Tess' arm around me held me tight. She returned my lingering kiss with an even passionate one that consumed me for the length it lasted. A little breathless my lips let go of hers and I shuffled myself down the bed a little so that my nose brushed against her jawbone. I felt Tess sigh heavily while the passion devoured her, I leant on one arm while my other hand came under me and reached for the collar of Tess' shirt, I didn't think she'd let me get that far. I tried my best to undo as many buttons as I could while I still kissed Tess suggestively just below her ear.

Managing to get two buttons loose I tried for the third but Tess' hand stopped me, I didn't want to push my luck.

I trailed soft kisses down her neck; Tess' deep breathing and her soft groaning made me think she liked it. I kissed the lower half of her neck passionately but Tess' head got it the way as she squirmed beneath me, her head retreating to her shoulder. I thought I might have hurt her but I heard Tess giggle softly.

"Hey, that tickles!" she managed to say half heartedly, not really wanting me to stop but I did anyway. I shuffled back up to meet her lips, my nose rubbed against hers and I tilted my head to kiss her cheek. Tess opened her eyes and looked at me, yearning for the uncontrollable delight I made her feel. I kissed her one last time before I tried to roll back over onto my side but Tess wouldn't let me go that easily, her hands made their way down my back and wrapt themselves around my waist. She licked my lips gently before kissing me again, she wanted more but I was too tired.

My head found itself buried in Tess' shoulder where I could rest for a while. Tess realised my tiredness and let her hand stroke my hair while she tilted her head to kiss the side of my forehead and she let me rest in her arms.

"Sorry" I said in a muffled voice I wanted to apologise but Tess wrapt her arms around my back and hugged me, I don't think she minded.

I rolled over onto my side; my head ached a little so I rested it against my soft pillow. Tess rolled over on her side and began to stroke my forehead letting me close my eyes and relax a little.

"Better let you get some sleep hey?" said Tess kissing my forehead before I opened my eyes. She sat and leant against the wall, doing up the buttons I undid. My hand travelled all the way down her arm to her hand where my fingers entwined themselves with hers.

"Tess?" I asked quietly, she looked at me sympathetically with a look of faint concern.

"Yeah?" she asked her mellow voice soothing my dull headache.

"I don't want you to go..." I managed to say before my eyes decided they'd close themselves and the terrible weight of sleepiness overcame me. I felt Tess smile and she sighed softly.

"Okay, I'll stay." she replied and she stroked my forehead coaxing me to fall sleep.

_

* * *

"Could you make a copy of this for me Ken?" I asked Ken the photo man handing him the little photo of Sammy I had. 'She wants a photo of you, she still loves you very much' I told little Sammy in the photo._

_I knew that Tess must have been angry when she burnt those photos; she probably needed this photo more than anything._

* * *

She had the lamp switched on the next time I woke up. That eerie glow of golden light was comforting.

You wouldn't believe how refreshed I felt, that bit of sleep really must have done me some good or maybe it was Tess? I was sure glad she was right there beside me, just where I wanted her to be.

She managed to sneak out while I was asleep and change, she looked so warm in her olive green woollen jumper, her legs were tucked in under the sheets and she rested on her back, her head on my pillow with my copy of 'The Great Gatsby' in her hands, her index finger wedged in between a heap of pages being used as a improvised book mark for the time being. I smiled when I noticed that she just kinda stared at the wall, she must have been thinking deeply about something. She didn't realise that I was awake.

I shuffled close to her and wrapt my arm around her to give her a cuddle, she smiled when I did. She finally felt comfortable enough with me to let me hug her. I kissed her cheek too and it was only then did I realise she had been crying, a lot really, which was funny; I thought she looked really happy.

"Hey, you alright?" I asked soothingly and Tess just smiled shyly, trying to get her hand from underneath my arm to wipe her eyes but I got there first. Brushing away her tears she sighed a little.

"I just get this way sometimes I guess. Can't help it, it just happens." Tess said while new tears made their way down her cheeks.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" I asked thinking that she ought to want to share something with me now, I was willing to listen.

Tess smiled to herself.

"I'll be fine...really, I will." Tess tried to reassure me.

"You can tell me, I'll listen..." Tess looked at me and a sad look fell over her face.

"You know, one of the reasons I didn't talk to you when I came back to Mt. Thomas was because I was too scared you'd take away the only thing that I still found comfort in..." she started, swallowing hard. I knew she hadn't told anyone else this so I made sure that I listened intently.

"What do you mean Tessy?" I asked somewhat confused.

"I hurt myself because it was the only way out and I never wanted to stop. I knew that once you'd find out you'd make me stop whether I liked it or not." she smiled to herself again a little weary about what she said.

"You still feel that way? Do you want to keep hurting yourself?" I asked softly hoping she wouldn't take anything I said the wrong way.

"I dunno...sometimes I do. But you've helped; you're really good at that." I half smiled to Tess who leant her head against mine. "I don't really know what I'd do without you sometimes." That made me smile inside, the fact that she needed me; that felt good.

"Tell me what it's like Tessy; I wanna know how it feels..." I was talking about her depression; I tried to put myself in her shoes from day one but it never seemed to work.

"Do you really wanna know?" she asked surprised, I don't think anyone really ever took an interest in what it felt like to Tess.

"Yeah..." I responded letting my head rest on her shoulder.

"Well, it's like being trapped in this dark room, almost pitch black, with really thick brick walls around you. You know there are windows and doors but you just can't find them, when ever you try to you keeping hitting into that thick brick wall so eventually you just sit down somewhere hoping that somewhere and somehow somebody will shine a light for you and when no one does you curl up somewhere and just give up because that's all you can do." Tears kept flowing down Tess' face when she said that, I didn't know it could be that hard.

"Have you ever tried to find a window?" I asked Tess still caught up in what that analogy meant to her.

"Yeah, lots of times...stupid walls get in the way though...I've kinda gotten use to it though, being stuck there; slashing my wrists helps too, it helps me forget I have windows and doors to look for." Tess sighed I think she thought she sounded pathetic.

She opened the book she held in her hand and diverted my attention to what was in the book's pages.

"I found this..." I looked over and recognised it to be the copy of the little wallet sized photo of Sammy that I made, I put it in there so I wouldn't forget but I did anyway.

"That's for you; I thought you might like it..." Tess kissed me on the cheek to thank me.

"I thought you might want it, after what you did to all the others..." I explained some more and Tess looked at me stunned.

"Your mum told me..." I explained again before Tess cut me off.

"That'd be right! I only did it because I couldn't stand looking at her anymore, not after what I did." Tess traced around Sammy's face with her finger, retracing the curves she used to know so well.

"What you did...?" I asked confused again probably because of what she said earlier about hurting Sammy.

Tess burst into tears before she spoke and I suddenly felt guilty, I shouldn't have said that, I scolded myself silently.

"I let her die! I should have noticed that she was sick!" The tears down Tessy's cheeks flowed ever faster.

"Tessy..." I soothed, hugging her a little tighter. "These things happen all the time, you can't blame yourself..." I tried to comfort Tess with a logical explanation but she didn't want to hear any of that.

"No! You don't understand! If I got her there sooner, if I listened to Mum, if I didn't spend so much time on that stupid case; I wouldn't have had to watch her die!" The hurt in Tessy's voice was immense and I felt helpless, there was nothing I could do and I knew it.

"Shh...Tessy, it isn't your fault, these things happen all the time. Thousands of babies die from pneumococcal, it just one of those things that happens..." I tried again to console Tess a little, it was the least I could do.

"Why did it have to happen to me? To my baby girl?" Tess asked me angrily amidst tears, I didn't have the answer and she knew that.

"I dunno Tess..."

"I just miss her so much Evan, I'd do anything to have her back!" Tess cried a little more.

"I know..." I tried to calm her down by stroking her cheek gently.

"I guess that's what made it so easy to be depressed; I mean it's all my fault..." Tess figured.

"Tess, nothin's you're fault..."

"It'll always be my fault she died Evan, don't ever try to say it isn't!" Tess warned me but that would never stop me trying.

"Mum said you didn't give yourself the time to grieve..." I told Tess hoping she'd confide in me a little more just to make things a little better. Tess rolled her eyes; I don't think she liked being talked about.

"I didn't want to grieve, I just wanted to forget; it hurt too much." Tess explained.

"You don't think you might have felt a bit better if you did?" I asked hinting that maybe she should take a little time out for herself because she never usually did.

"Not the way I felt Evan, nothing could help me. Do you know what I had to go through every morning when I woke up?" she sighed heavily holding back any emotion she felt, "...I hated myself so much that when I woke up every morning, I had to remind myself that I was important enough to live just that one more day..." she let herself breathe a little, "And every night I'd get home and I'd punish myself for letting myself for living, because I knew I wasn't worth it!" Tess breathed in deeply trying to calm herself but it didn't work.

"You are worth it Tess..." I told her sincerely holding her dearly in my arms. She said she didn't know what she'd do without me but what would I ever do without her?

"Am I?" she asked me, a difficult and horrible self doubt crawled over her face.

"Yeah you are Tessy...you really are." I let myself hold her for a while 'till she stopped crying, it became so silent you could hear a pin drop.

All of a sudden my stomach grumbled, it reminded me I was hungry, something I'd forgotten a long time ago.

Tess looked up at me; her eyes still red from all those tears. She smiled a little.

"Are you hungry?" she asked and I nodded in agreement, she looked over at the clock and it was only 8.00.

"Well c'mon, I'll shout you dinner." she smiled weakly and took my hand and led me out of bed.

_

* * *

I didn't know there was an art to trying to kill yourself but Tess had it almost down pat, she tried everything: trying to hang herself, slashing her wrists even attempting to drown herself but the most amazing attempt that I ever heard was the time Denise caught her trying to overdose on sleeping tablets..._

_"I'd just come back from work, I didn't think Tessy would be home yet. It was quiet when I called out, that was only because she didn't want me to know what was going on...like little kids when they've done something wrong, they're always so quiet..." Denise's hands trembled, she hated this story but something in her made her tell me._

_"...So I went to the kitchen to get some dinner on before Tessy came home...but...she was already there..." Denise broke down into tears and with my comforting arm around her she only pushed on._

_"She mustn't have heard me come in because she kinda just stood there by the sink with her hand full of little white tablets, there must have been at least 24 of them, I'd just bought a new packet...I couldn't sleep well after Tessy got diagnosed..." The thoughtless character Tess made her mum out to be was no more than just a memory; the terrified mother that sat in front of me almost brought me to tears._

_"And when she heard me walk in, she shoved them in her mouth and tried to swallow them all at once but she couldn't...I screamed at her to spit them out but she wouldn't until...until she started to bring them up...I…umm had to count them, make sure they were all there...I love my Tessy, why does she have to be like this?" I didn't know the answer to that question but Tessy's mum seemed to think I did, I loved Tess too, Denise told me I have to look after her but how do I look after Tess?_

* * *

You'd think that a Sergeant could have dinner with her Senior Constable in peace! Not this Sergeant...

"Tessy, I think it's your shout!" PJ reminded Tess as he held up Joss' beer.

"Ahh, not today. Sorry Peej..." Tessy explained while she informed Chris that we'd be having dinner.

"Dinner, hey?" Kel said with the biggest smirk on her face, "Who with Sarge?" she asked the curiosity almost bubbling outta her.

"A friend, I owe him." Tess explained while I made my way down to the pair and stopped just behind Tess.

"You ready?" I asked and Tess turned around and smiled.

"Oh...Jonesy! You're full of surprises Sarge!" she said to us just before we left and you could see the excited Constable's, cheeky smile as whispers cascaded down the table about the Sarge and me.

We sat down at the table we once frequented often and I felt that awful sense of familiarity, I think Tess felt it too.

"So what'll it be?" asked Chris tea towel in hand, she was too overworked otherwise you'd think she'd be a little surprised that Tess was here.

"Umm..." Tess picked up the well worn menu that she would have memorised about a couple of years ago, skimmed down the column of entrées and smiled when she came to a favourite meal of hers. "Think I'll take the lamb thanks Chris," Tess smiled, she'd love that meal, it was one of her favourites.

Chris scribbled down the order and then looked at me.

"Jonesy?" she asked pen in hand ready to jot down the first thing I said.

"The usual thanks Chris..." I didn't have to use the menu and Tess wondered what 'the usual' meant.

"Sprinkles or no sprinkles?" Chris asked quite seriously, Tess raised her eyebrows and had that look of intrigue on her face.

"Sprinkles, thanks." I smiled and a little smile appeared on Chris' face.

"Sprinkles...special occasion?" Chris asked but I didn't reply instead I smiled at Tess who was somewhat confused.

_

* * *

The sun shone ochre through the brilliant stained glass panels, its magnificent golden light descended through the air, catching all the little particles of dust within it, making them gleam like silver glitter._

_The pink coloured smell of incense filled the air and its woody aroma hid it's self in the gloomy grey stone walls and the softly grey smoke evaporated into the densely thick air. _

_The angelic peace made me feel welcome, a place I hardly visited feeling so reliably warm and comforting even when it's stark grey and thick cold walls surrounded me. _

_The organ played such a familiar tune, my ears almost laughed at the sheer joy it brought and the mystical golden yellow harmony of the song was euphoric..._

* * *

Chris came down the column of tables and popped Tessy's lamb dish on Tessy's side and my dish on mine. Tess laughed when she saw what it was; it was great to see her laugh, something I'd missed so very much.

"I go to the trouble of shouting you dinner and you get vanilla ice-cream with chocolate sprinkles?" she asked almost seriously but she couldn't stop the faint smile appearing across her face.

I smiled back dipping my spoon in my mushy sugary dish, the white syrup stuck to the back of the spoon.

"You sure you don't want something else?" she asked concerned.

"Nah, can't really..." I explained my mouth half full and cold cream stuck on the inside of my cheek, I swallowed quite painfully and Tess noticed.

"Cold?" she asked smiling.

"Yeah but that's the brilliant thing about it, it's easy on the throat..." I pointed to the half there cut across my neck that still sometimes stung since being deprived of Panadol.

Tess nodded in recognition and looked hopelessly down at her meal, then the cutlery beside it, her hand went out to reach for the knife but just as quickly ducked under the table; she smiled at herself stupidly and if I wasn't there she probably would have slapped herself in the forehead. Her hands remained under the table for a period of time before I realised that they'd never come out.

"You're not hungry?" I asked disappointed at the colourful dish on front of her getting cold.

"Yeah..." she mumbled and looked down at her palms in her lap that would have been wringing in agitation.

There was an awful silence between us that would have lasted no more than five minutes, felt like eternity. I felt the uncertainty that managed to radiate from Tessy and the uncomfortable distress almost drove me insane.

"Anything wrong?" I asked, knowing Tess her reply would be almost automatic and go along the lines of 'no, nothing' but not this time.

Her hands came up from under the table and she nudged the bottom of the knife with the tips of her fingers making the knife scratch along the table top with its awful metallic sound. Her fingers drummed on the table top before she went to pick up the knife, she held it in her hand for a mere couple of seconds not even enough to make the metal warm before it fell back on the table with a clang that made some heads turn. She didn't have to say anything, I knew what she knew exactly what she felt; she couldn't pick up that knife without thinking what she would be able to do with it's fine sharp edge; she didn't want to tell me though, didn't want to disappoint me.

"Here..." I picked the knife and fork from her side and swivelled her plate back towards me, Tess minded my bowl of ice-cream for a while and placed her fingers around the bowl so that her hands numbed to its icy coldness. I cut the lamb into bite size portions for Tess so she could at least eat it, even if I just crushed the only bit of pride she had left.

Without a word I swapped meals again, giving Tess back her fork and knife and set back to eating what was left of the puddle of ice-cream and sprinkles in my bowl. Tess stabbed her lamb with her fork.

"You didn't have to do that..." she sighed, I embarrassed her more than I thought, "But thanks..." she smiled graciously and I smiled back, trying to make her feel as if what I just did wasn't a big deal , just to make her feel a little comfortable again.

That awful awkward silence crept up on us again, it ruined the lovely evening but it gave me some time to think about what Lillie said a couple of days ago.

"Tessy?" I asked quietly, Tess had gotten through most of her meal and I'd left the puddle of ice-cream to one side.

"Mmm?" she asked looking up.

"Depression's hard isn't it?" I asked even though I already knew the answer. Tess didn't get suspicious.

"Yeah, of sorts...it can get bad." she said quite solemnly looking back down to her meal and spearing the soft baked baby potato with her fork.

"That's why you need someone to look after you..." I suggested simply.

"What, like a district nurse?" she said a bit gloomily, the fact that she was clinically 'sick' still haunted her.

"No, more like..." I stopped; I didn't think I'd get nervous I mean I'd done it before.

"Tess, would you marry me?" I asked quite quickly and hesitantly, I don't think Tess heard.

"What?" Tess asked a little shocked.

"Well you need someone to look after you and well...I'm offering." I smiled a nervous smile but Tess still looked a little shocked.

"Umm...Evan, I..." Tess sighed a little, I put her on the spot, I knew how much she hated that. "I don't know..." she finally managed to say.

"Oh...right." I smiled weakly dragging back my bowl of melted ice-cream to distract me. Did it have to hurt? I watched my spoon drag the sprinkles through the ice-cream making pretty swirls. Tess ran her fingertips across my knuckles, it felt warm so I looked up, and she half smiled at me.

"You just want to be my hero, don't you?" she asked softly noticing the harsh dejection I felt.

"Yeah..." I said stupidly, I wanted to make sure she was okay; she'd be safe with me.

"Hey, I'll tell you what, I'll think about it..." she said softly, while I didn't say anything in reply instead I enlisted my spoon to rescue all the sunken sprinkles under the pool of melted ice-cream.

"Hey? Is that alright?" she brushed her palm over my hand in soft comfort, that didn't take away, the deep founded rejection I still felt.

"Yeah, I'm just scared you'll say 'no' that's all, like last time..." I got up to head to the bar and I left Tess feeling guilty.

"Hey, you right Jonesy?" I loved it how Chris could just read how I felt without actually saying anything.

"Just asked Tess to marry me...OJ thanks." I handed Chris a ten dollar note.

"And she said she'd think about it?" asked Chris and I nodded in agreement. "It'll be alright..." Chris soothed but I scoffed at her attempt of lifting my spirits, it didn't work in the slightest.

Tess met me in the bar as I'd sat there for a good half hour, drowning away my sorrows with a glass of strong OJ.

"Hey..." Tess rubbed my shoulder from behind and looked at her watch in the process. "...It's late." she said softly, that tinge of guilt rang in her voice.

"Yep" I said in such a matter of fact way. She pulled on my arm gently so I'd get up and walk with her.

"C'mon, you look tired, let's get you to bed." I didn't feel tired but the urge to be with Tess was there. Would I let her hurt me again? Yeah, of course; I loved her.

She led me up the stairs and we stopped briefly in the dim corridor right outside my room. She let go of my hand and tried to look at the intricate shadows on my face, she could still sense that I felt awful so her arms push themselves through the gaps between my chest and my arms and she hugged me tightly, I wrapt my arms around her waist and let her hold me, her desperate hug felt warm.

When she let go I could finally tend to the ache in my head, bringing my hand up to my forehead I frowned a little, Tess took my hand from off of my forehead and replaced it with hers, her hand felt almost icy until it warmed to the thick heat coming off my forehead.

"You're a bit warm, don't think that ice-cream did you any good." she smiled her half cheerful smile and opened the door to my room, "Let's get you something for that head of yours." I followed Tess in.

She waited for me to change into my PJs before I hopped into bed and twisted the cold sheets around my feet to keep them warm. Leaning my head against the pillow Tess propped up against the wall. She passed me a piping hot, hot water bottle with a little tartan cover on it and I let it sit on my thighs so its heat would penetrate through the sheets and keep me warm. I closed my eyes and felt vaguely tired

"Hey, open up..." Tess nudged my ribs with her elbow, opening my eyes I saw Tess sitting on the bed next to me and a fat spoonful of delightfully orange syrupy, sticky liquid sat on the spoon. I opened my mouth and closed it when Tess put the spoon in. I can't begin to describe the vile taste; it smelt of synthetic orange but tasted more like that raspberry and banana flavoured antibiotic that leaves that incredibly bitter and heavy liquid aftertaste in your mouth and no matter how many times you rinse your mouth in just stays there.

"Oh...that's foul!" I said to Tess sticking my tongue out and screwed my face up tight to show my absolute distaste.

"Yeah, well there was only orange left...it can be that bad." she said as she poured another spoonful with a look of quiet happiness.

"Oh no..." I backed away as she pushed the spoonful near my mouth.

"Hey, c'mon children over 12 get two spoons" she said as I managed to give in, bracing myself I let the disgusting liquid slip down my throat.

"Children?" I asked after I managed to accustom my tastebuds to the syrupy clinginess of the liquid suspension.

"Yeah, paracetamol free; isn't that clever?" she showed me the bottle that had a nice dark blue label on it. 'ProVen' it read and it had dramatic red writing.

"For children...Hey, there's no 30's age group!" I muttered reading the back of the box.

"You're part of the over twelves..." she pointed out "...we all know what you're like with tablets. Hey look, child-proof lock!" Tess twisted the cap in the bottle and made it click, I smiled.

"That pharmacist has it all worked out." I said, child-proof locks were something I never got the hang of.

"Tessy?" I asked as Tess put away the horrid bottle and left it on my table along with the spoon.

"Mmhmm?" she asked.

"Would you stay with me tonight?" I asked almost shyly. It stopped Tess in her tracks.

"I don't think that'd be appropriate." she answered quite sternly. Great sarge talk, that's all I needed!

"You shouldn't have to be alone tonight." I suggested hoping I could convince her. She sighed and sat back down on the bed beside me crumpling the sheets under her.

"I guess I could do with the company." she smiled and draped another blanket over the top of me. I felt like a little kid again, Mum would always look after me when I was sick, Tess would be such a brilliant mum.

"I'll be back..." she said and she patted the top of my head lightly with her hand.

It was dark before Tess came back again; I heard the door open and the ever cheerful pub music flood through into my room.

The fresh smell of clean, flannelette PJs filled the room and begged me to stay awake. I couldn't see Tess but I knew she was there when she sat down and the other side of my bed dipped to her weight.

I heard her shoes thud on the floor as she took them off and she pulled her legs up onto the bed and huddled them to herself hiding her toes under the sheets to keep them warm. She looked over and I barely had my eyes open, could still see her though, it was only a silhouette but I didn't care, so long as she was here.

She sat and thought about something for a little while before she gave into the temptation, she shuffled herself further under the sheets and pulled them up over her, resting her head on the pillow she sighed a comfortable sigh. I closed my eyes because I couldn't keep them open much longer.

Tess must have been closer than I thought because I felt the warmth of her body next to me. She stroked my cheek with her palm and I felt my cheek tingle with soft warmth.

"Tessy..." I whispered softly and she brought her arm to rest on my stomach and leant her head on my shoulder to cuddle me. She smelt amazing, kinda like potpourri, the sweet smell of her freshly washed hair and the overpowering smell of cold mint toothpaste was invigorating.

"Evan?" she asked after she'd found a soft spot on my shoulder for her head to lean on.

"Mmm?" I asked that husky drowsiness came through in my voice.

"Youcan have anyone you want, why on earth do you want me?" she asked

"Because I love you." I said still very tired. She kissed my cheek softly and wrapt her arms around my neck and I let myself fall asleep with Tess in my arms, something I'd always longed for.


	11. Thursday: The day you went away

Hums happily Well, well friends this is the second last chapter (well essentially it's the last chapter but second last in a sense) and I'm incredibly excited because there's only one more to go and then I won't have to infest you with my terrible depressiveness! beams This one's nice a bit predictable but very warm and fuzzy…oh and before you go ahead and read it I'd just like to mention…reviews are nice…really they are! Thanks to all those who have already reviewed!

This one's nice and short so ENJOY while it lasts!

**To Paula: **Yep only one now! So make the most of it! He he good to see you around by the way, you wouldn't happen to be a budding fic writer? I'd love to read some of yours!

**To Paige: **blushes Oh yes definitely Catholic but innocent? You'd think I'd be more ignorant than anything…he he. It's very uncatholic of me to write about suicide (which I totally don't condone by the way! I guess I should have written that somewhere…) but it'd explain why she didn't jump! Love your reviews, as always Paige and yup I definitely agree…Brindy rocks!  big compliment! Oh and I have read that All Saints one of yours…I'm shocked but intrigued at the very same time, marvellous it was!

**To olliew: **Hey olliew! I haven't see you around before, smiles you must be new! Thanks for the lovely comment I greatly appreciate those! And I'm glad you can't wait till the next chapter…neither can I to be honest! Hope to see you around more often!

**Disclaimer: **no, not mine. Nothing's mine…got it?

**Thursday: The day you went away**

_The sun shone ochre through the brilliant stained glass panels, its magnificent golden light descended through the air, catching all the little particles of dust within it, making them gleam like silver glitter._

_The pink coloured smell of incense filled the air and its woody aroma hid it's self in the gloomy grey stone walls and the softly grey smoke evaporated into the densely thick air. _

_The angelic peace made me feel welcome, a place I hardly visited feeling so reliably warm and comforting even when it's stark grey and thick cold walls surrounded me. _

_The organ played such a familiar tune, my ears almost laughed at the sheer joy it brought and the mystical golden yellow harmony of the song was euphoric..._

_Feeling the sweat run down my palms in gentle slow streams, the cuffs of my suit brushed deep lines into my wrists, the feel of synthetic whatever material grainy against my skin. My shoes dug valleys in the soft, short-haired, dark green carpet, embedding their soles into it, my feet felt like they weren't there though…stifled numbness I suppose. _

_Shoes felt like army steel, heavy and dark and the light reflecting off them made my eyes water...or were they doing that by themselves?_

_The deep golden wooden pews in front of me reeked of lacquer and their cold emptiness made me think I shouldn't be here. Why was I here?_

_My overpowering aftershave sent the candles to sleep and their eerie smoke danced in the ochre light...Is there something I'm missing? _

_The carefully accented tune of the organ was long gone and the open door made the silky white wind blow over the bronze floorboards, still bronze in the leftover light from the sickly candles. _

_I turned to look at the man in white beside me who somehow managed to appear from thin air, the ominous radiant glow of dazzling gold around him somehow scared me and his deep crusty leather shoes ate into the floorboards making one squeak as he rocked on the balls of his feet; his elegant white gown following in harmonised rhythm._

_He stopped and looked at me a while, the washy grey in his eyes looked sad and his pale white face reflected the colour of his scrawny white hair. _

_He creased his brow and took a deep breath, moments passed; he pulled up his flowing sleeve to look at the dark golden watch on the small black leather band. His eyes widened, he sighed making the floorboard creak again one last time with his obnoxious gentle swaying._

_I turned to look at the golden light through the stained glass but it had turned a musty brown, gone I suppose, just like the sun; only the gentle glimmer of the water coloured red sky was left._

_I heard the raspy sound of the man in white draw breath._

_"I don't think she's coming..." said the man, standing still while he spoke then climbing the gentle wooden stairs of the sanctuary and placing the dark leather bound book on the crisp white cloth that adorned the alter. I heard it thud, heavy book it was, the deep almond ribbon buckled out as book's page slightly opened._

_"Who's not coming?" I asked confused, the sweat dripped off my fingers onto the carpet, staining it with its salty taste._

_"Tess" The man said clearly, the aged sound in his voice gave no hint that he was sad. _

_As he folded the white sheet into a neat cube I stood motionless, waiting for whatever it is that I was waiting meant to be waiting for. 'Tess?' I thought 'Was I expecting Tess?' It didn't make any sense, nothing made sense._

_I looked at the smoke dance again as the man blew the cheerful life out of the flames that once sat pretty on two candles; the sudden sound of wooden footsteps caught my attention._

_"Mate? She isn't comin' Maybe you should go home?" The familiar husky voice that was PJ's floated through the dim light._

_"What do you mean?" I asked more confused than anything, PJ didn't read it that way. His distant voice made way through thick darkness again._

_"Don't think she wants to get married, Mate..." PJ sounded forlorn._

_'Married?' I thought to myself, 'Was I getting married?'_

_The man in white held a golden platter in front of me, the light in the church made yellow circles on its surface._

_"I think these are yours..." the man pointed to the simple wedding bands sitting gracefully on the plate, almost camouflaged in gold._

_I picked them up letting them slide down the tip of my index finger to sit on my knuckle. Looking deeply I saw the shadows of the dark reflect of its surface and the distant glow of long turned off lights..._

I opened my eyes and saw the familiar grey that was my ceiling. My sheets kept in the warmth that radiated from me and I felt hot and sticky.

If those bloody dreams weren't morbid they had to be cryptic didn't they?

I rubbed my eyes hard with my hand and my chest heavy from exhausted breathing drew the last tiresome deep breaths I needed. My head in the meantime ached of the savage pain that ripped through it. I still hurt.

I burrowed deeper into my soft duck down pillow that usually just moulded to the shape of my head anyway; it was easy to hide in those things, like half wet clay it could consume you entirely.

Tess must have heard my silent frustration because I felt a warm palm on my chest. She slid up next to me taking her other hand to feel my forehead, she was satisfied that it wasn't too warm. She pressed her nose against my cheek gently and after taking a moment's pause kissed my temple warmly. I smiled almost silently.

"Bad dream?" she asked, she knew they kept me up most nights. I nodded and she sighed, stroking my forehead so daintily I could hardly feel it.

Closing my eyes I couldn't force myself to fall asleep, not this time; something else clouded my usually empty, restful mind.

_

* * *

My dream in life was something I could never picture; I knew what I wanted, didn't know how to get it or how to avoid the inevitable stumbling blocks I'd encounter on my journey._

_I didn't think it'd be treacherous and draining both physically and emotionally. Emotion? Yeah I'm a man, I'm not meant to be emotional, not meant to let anyone see that I am anyway, it's probably what made this dream so painfully long and tiring, the fact that I couldn't have anyone to confide in._

_So what was my dream? As hopelessly stupid as it might sound, it was just to have a family. It didn't have to be a perfect one, it could have as many flaws as it wanted, I just wanted somebody to be there for, someone to love and cherish and I only wanted that with one woman._

_A little house in Mt. Thomas, a tribe of kids, my beautiful wife, two dogs and a cat and a goldfish in a little round bowl. It didn't seem that impossible! _

* * *

Watching Tess fall asleep once again so angelically; a sudden thought cursed me. I didn't think much of dreams really, just one was the way your brain sorts out all the chaotic thought that rushes through it unnoticed and disregarded during the day. But this dream really made me think.

I could never imagine my life any other way then what I pictured it to be; I wanted to be with Tess but what if she didn't want to be with me? I mentally slapped myself for that comment, 'Of course she wants to be with me! She loves me!' I told myself but why did it sound so hopeless?

Blazing pink from the harsh morning sun burnt across the back of my eyelids, it was morning...fantastic! I only got what...5 hours sleep? Sometimes I wish there were days where I could ram myself into a wall, knock myself unconscious and stay that way for a good long time. Not this day though.

My faithful alarm clock managed to sleep in as it's usual inconsiderate beeping wasn't blaring throughout my head telling me that I only had 20mins until I was significantly late. I turned around to see why it didn't ring...something it does every morning without fail.

Had to make sure I turned around softly though, so I wouldn't wake Tess but looking at where she should have been it didn't really matter, she was already gone and if weren't for her sweet smell that still stayed on my pillow I would have thought it was just all a dream.

Why did she have to do that? Run away when everything was just so perfect...well close to perfect? I sighed; it was something I guessed I'd have to learn to live with.

I didn't have the guts to look at the faded red numbers on my alarm clock but I made myself look anyway, the smooth porcelain white plate caught my eyes first though and the happy, thick slice of creamy rich chocolate cake made me smile.

She'd left a yellow post-it note stuck carefully to the edge of the plate so it just stuck out from under the bottom happily.

"Thanks for everything!" it said in jubilant capitals that shook a bit on the ends and although I didn't really know what she meant I smiled anyway. Kinda made my day that note did.

There was that strange feeling of winter crispness when I entered the station, our heater broke down and although it'd been bucketing rain outside I couldn't have felt better.

"Good Morning!" I chimed happily as I slung through the door dumping my jacket on the mess of papers that covered my desk.

"Mornin'..." The gloomy, dreary mumble from the pale, lifeless Alex made me grin, couldn't help that grin; had a mind of it own!

"What's so good about it?" asked an equally disturbed Joss whose arms crossed over his body gently but his hands clutched a vengeful grip on his arms, the scarf pulled up just over his nose told me he was hardly content.

"Where's the Sarge?" I asked once I sat down and had a good look at what the time was. The Boss hid in his office the CI's in theirs and the mundane Thursday morning felt vaguely different somehow.

"Haven't you heard?" asked PJ walking past, I turned to look at him and he gazed somewhat curiously at me, "She's taken her leave early this year, gone to Melbourne from the sounds of it..." he didn't get to finish what he wanted to before my head hit the desk in petrified anger. I sighed.

"I'm going to get the lunches!" I called out getting up from my desk and looking behind me to get the usual nod of approval. 'She had to go out of her way to do this to me didn't she?' I thought as my feet shuffled along the footpath, suddenly everything had to feel cold; I picked up my pace to keep myself warm.

Walking into the warmly heated pub I was greeted by the effervescent Chris.

"Good Morning Jonesy!" she smiled warmly, hardly what I needed right now.

"Is it?" I answered, whatever I said about feeling wonderful today I take back, it's a disgusting cold and grey morning and I wish I never woke up!

Chris smiled at me a little while I just stood in silence and she searched for where ever it was that Sam put the lunches. Handing me the heavy cardboard box she felt my bitter anxious anger, she made one good attempt at lifting my spirits.

"Before you go there's someone to wants to see you..." she smiled cheekily and I had to look at her cautiously. She tilted her head towards the stairs and I left the lunches with her.

There she stood, half leaning against the banister; she looked incredibly weak, I mustn't have realised it before. Her pale, tired face and her thin worn out body told me how incredibly exhausted she must have felt. The brilliant sky blue in her eyes didn't dim though, they shined every brightly and happily smiled when her gaze met with mine.

"Figured, you'd get the lunches..." she said simply, nervously tugging at the stitching in her jeans with the hand that didn't grip tight to the rail. She smiled hopefully at my concerned face.

"You can't go..." I said keeping my distance from her, didn't want to get too close, it'd be harder for me to let go.

Tess tilted her head slightly and her happy eyes turned sad, on her face was that genuine expression of concern. She walked up to me slowly and stood only half a metre or so from me, just enough to be able to reach out and hold my hand.

"Think I better go really, you know how you said I didn't give myself the time to grieve? Yeah well you were right, I tried to forget it all but I don't want to do that anymore." she sighed and her hand slid up my arm and she rubbed it gently to make me feel a little more comfortable.

I couldn't let her go though; I was too scared to; what if she starts hurting herself again? I won't be there to stop it...no one will! Can't just let her walk away like that!

"What if I go with you?" I asked; that steady discomfort rang in my voice. If she had to go, she'd go with me, that way she'd be alright. But she only shook her head and I sighed.

"I gotta get away from all of this Evan; clear my head a bit..."

"You need to get away from me?" I asked not letting her finish what she wanted to say. I sounded angry; I didn't want to be but she always did that, always ran off like that!

"Yeah..." Tess almost whispered not looking at me when she did. I felt overwhelming helpless, like in my dream, lost and confused. Why did I ever let myself believe that she'd wanna be with me? She obviously didn't, I had to set myself up to just get hurt again didn't I?

I let go of Tess' hand and she looked a little worried, stepping forward a little more she wound her arms around my neck and whispered into my ear.

"Hey...It'll be for the best..." she tried to reason, one of Tessy's hands made their way down my back and she held me a little. I felt so stupid; it brought me back to the first time she left me. I knew that when Tess made up her mind no one could ever change it for her. I had to stand there and watch her walk out of my life once and all those months I spent pining after her was hell! I didn't wanna go through that again! Looks like I had to.

"You can't just leave like this Tessy, after everything we've been through..." I don't know why I said that, we hadn't really been through anything really, just loved her I suppose but I always did.

"I'm not leaving _you_ Evan! Just need to get away for a little while, I thought you of all people would understand, you seem to understand...hey besides, it'll give me a chance to give these antidepressants a real go!" she smiled and looked back at her suitcase that stood near the stairs.

"You got enough?" I asked anxiously, knowing Tess she might not have packed them at all.

"Think I've got a life time's supply!" Tess smiled at my concern knowing that as much as she'd try to stop me, I'd never stop worrying about her.

"It'll do me some good to get away, plus you'll get the old Tess back, the one you love so much..." she smiled before she said the next bit, "...You'll get to marry her too." Tess watched my eyes light up.

"So that's a 'yes'?" I asked a little unsure, yet hoping to God that she'd say yes, all I ever wanted was Tess.

"Can't pretend I can do this all on my own anymore..." she didn't answer my question, she kept me in suspense. "You were right; I do need someone to look after me Evan...I need you." I grinned stupidly at Tess and she smiled at me candidly. "You do still wanna marry me yeah?" she asked a little concerned at my speechlessness.

I wrapt my arms around her in a tight embrace and picked her up off the floor and spun her around, letting everything this around us blur into coloured mush. When I put back on floor she looked at me in puzzled wonder.

"Yeah, I'd be honoured to Tessy, I love you! Always wanted to marry you..." I almost whispered that last bit.

Tess went a little red and looked up at me shyly.

"I love you too; I have for a very long time." Tess wrapt her arms around my neck and kissed me but only for a second, she checked her watch and sighed.

"I better get goin', got a long drive ahead of me." she let go of me and went to pick up her suitcase. I grabbed her wrist just before she did.

"Hey, not so fast..." I said softly, I stopped Tess dead in her tracks. "Look after yourself hey?" I told her earnestly. Tessy smiled a little but somehow looked awfully sad.

"I'll try." was the best she could give me.

"Tessy I mean it!" I said a little more seriously, seeing that glow of deep recognition in Tessy's eyes I think she understood. I rubbed Tess' arm with my hand and she looked down to the floor; that hopeless feeling that Tess would never get better stung me bitterly. It hurt Tess too. Tess still managed a smile though and headed for her suitcase again.

"I'll get that for you..." I offered, Tess gave in knowing that she'd never haul it to her car on her own, it never ceased to amaze me how much women could pack into one small suitcase.

Slamming the car boot down Tess managed a quick hug before she sat down in the driver's seat. I stood on the kerb and somehow felt mysteriously overjoyed...don't know why really, I was petrified to leave Tess, I couldn't bare to not know what she was doing, how she felt...my stupid concern was more paranoia than anything; I _had_ to let Tess go because I wanted her to know that I trusted her, whether she was on the brink of suicide or not.

"Call me when you get there!" I shouted to Tess through her thick window glass. She nodded in response and waved before the engine made its usual choky start and before I knew it her car was just a mere spot in the distance.

"Well?" Chris beamed of excitement when I re-entered the bar a massively huge smile plastered on my face from ear to ear. I raised my eyebrows and Chris look puzzled.

"Well I'm getting married aren't I?" I told her and she nearly screamed of excitement passing me a beer she'd already had made for what look like a while but she knew it had to sit in the fridge 'till after my shift was over.

"Told you everything would turn out just fine!" Chris smiled to herself and handed me back the box of lunches that I left with her what seemed like only minutes ago. Somehow I had a sneaking suspicion Chris knew more than she first let on but it didn't matter; not now anyway...you know what? I take back what I said about it being a pathetically gloomy day, even if the sun's hiding and it's basically raining cats and dogs...an amazingly wonderful feeling filled my whole body like an adrenaline rush but a thousand times better, it made me sick and dizzy but I knew that it'd stay with me forever.

Aww...he he! Now just thought I might ask you guys, the last chapter's more of an epilogue would you rather that be the last chapter or this one? You know what I'll write one anyway...any ideas anyone?


	12. Epilogue: Somebody to Love

Okay...so here it is! jumps for joy the_ last _last chapter! giggles Enjoy, no really do enjoy!

**Paula: **As always Paula, thanks for your review and well here it is...the LAST chapter, enjoy it as best you can!

**Paige: **Yup it's carefully thought over, believe me! But thanks for the advice anyway...it proved somewhat useful?

**MysticalSock: **I couldn't agree with you any moredescription is my utter obsession! There's nothing better than reading something littered with description like Brindy's fics are and excelent example!Thanks for your review!Really made my day it did!

**Disclaimer:** Nope surely and most definitely not mine and well not anybodies anymore. Thanks to QUEEN from whom I stole the title of their song to title my chapter.

**Epilogue: Somebody to love**

I pressed my forehead against my soft pillow, burying my nose as deep as I could. Closing my eyes I tried to forget the radiant glow of light around me, it couldn't be morning...not yet!

I felt a hand ruffle my hair.

"C'mon, up you get!" Tess said in her dreary morning voice. I ignored her as best I could, closing my eyes even tighter to make the bright blood red I saw a nice deep crimson colour.

Instead of getting out of bed Tess shuffled up close to me wrapping her arm around my back, I felt her warm breath on my cheek.

"C'mon sleepy head, you'll be late!" she whispered softly into my ear and then I felt the mattress dip and spring back up when I felt her hop off.

My eyes were still shut but I couldn't block out the tiny little movements Tess still made although she was starkly silent...could almost feel light headed as my thoughts drifted to fudge covered, yellow, sundaes and creamy, caramel coated, chocolate chip laced biscuits but a sudden cushiony but painful thud on the back of my head brought me back to consciousness. She threw a pillow at me!

"Oi! Wake up!" Tess was annoyed; she didn't get half the sleep I did, I hated mornings, not as much as Tessy did.

"Numm..." I grumbled into my pillow just loud enough so that Tess could hear and leave me alone. I pulled the white sheets over my head imprisoning myself in their bright silence...but I couldn't make today go away...

"What time is it?" I mumbled through the sheets, just lifting my mouth off my pillow where my drool had made a musty wet patch that didn't really taste nice anymore.

"Fifteen past..." Tess mumbled back before I felt her leave the room.

"Damn!" I said as I let my forehead drop back onto my pillow. I was bordering on late.

_

* * *

I fumbled with the maple syrup jar and made it spill all over my fingers instead of where it was meant to go...it didn't matter._

_I walked over with the plate almost stuck to one hand, holding a couple of pancakes with sloppy maple syrup that almost, nearly, ran over the edges of the plate, had to walk really slowly._

_My feet padded against the semi-cold floor boards to the bedroom, holding breakfast with a garnish of cutlery in one hand as I still busily licked maple syrup off the other hand._

_I pushed the door open with my foot and warm rays of morning sunshine filled the dark corridor, they glistened through Tessy's messed up hair making it glow like tinsel does when it reflects the little lights on the Christmas tree._

_Tessy sat very dismally, her legs pulled up to her chest with her bleached white sheets up over her knees. Her arms were crossed over knees, her head leaning on her arms, her nose brushing against her the thick cotton bandage wrapt around her right wrist._

_"Hey..." I said walking over to her, she peered up at me, the little brown bird she was watching before tried to hide itself in the thick bush once it saw me. She didn't say much, I was used to empty silence._

_Looking up at the steaming hot pancakes I held in my hand, she smiled and so I passed them to her carefully, making sure the cutlery didn't slide off. Her ring clinked against the plate when she grasped it and the cutlery made a 360 around the plate, making that awful grinding noise._

_I hopped back into bed, my icy toes begging for some warmth. I looked at Tess intently, waiting for her review on brekkie. My stomach grumbled as I watched the maple syrup drip down Tessy's carefully cut up pancake pieces. She caught me staring._

_"Mmm...'ts goommvf..." she said just before she swallowed pointing her fork to the dish. I think that meant she liked it..."…where's yours?" she then added licking the syrupy liquid from the corners of her mouth._

_"Ahh...there are only 3 to a packet…" there went my pride, Yes, I couldn't even cook pancakes! _

_Luckily for me Tessy just smiled and shuffled over next to me and handed me the fork to take a piece._

* * *

"And don't forget that George still has form; make sure to check him up on L.E.A.P..." Tess mentioned while I finished doing up the buttons to my shirt and Tess buttered toast.

"The thing is..." I bit into the crunchy toast thickly spread with Vegemite; its grave saltiness gave me the kick I needed to start the day. Tess in the meantime had slung my tie around my neck and did it up before I even noticed.

"...he probably hasn't got any priors for trafficking; he ain't a big time crook!" I continued, swallowing the piece of toast. Sometimes I wish my wife wasn't still my Sarge, off duty or not.

"Well he's been out for a while and with the company he keeps..." Tess started again but looking at my watch I really didn't have the time.

"Yeah, yeah..." I blabbered, mouth full of toast again, I gave in, I knew Tessy was right and she relished the fact that I could hardly hold a good convincing argument.

I stole Tess' slice of toast and after much struggle and a hefty argument with my left shoe I finally made it out the front door.

Nearly tripping over my laces and the front step at the same time I had to be just seconds from the car door when Tess called out.

"Hey? Aren't you forgetting something?" she half yelled standing on the veranda.

I raced back nearly tripping again on the front step before I slung my arms around Tessy's waist and pulling her towards me I gave her the most passionate kiss I could in half a second. She smiled and looked like she had something to say but I cut in before she did.

"Love you, see you tonight..." I kissed her forehead and smiled then proceeded to race down to the car again, this time I jumped that step.

"But...Evan, wait!" Tess yelled; she looked a little confused.

"Sorry Tess...I've only got 5 minutes left, it's a 10 minute drive!" I managed to yell back and Tess opened her mouth to speak but from the looks of it only ended up sighing as I backed out as fast as I could out the driveway.

_

* * *

"She's got your eyes..." I gazed in utter pride at the relaxed little infant in Tessy's arms. Pippa's blue eyes glistened with awful familiarity, her eyes searched for my voice._

_Tess looked lovingly at her little daughter while Pip held cautiously to Tessy's big thumb._

_"She's got your nose though...unfortunately!" Tess smiled cheekily as she said that, catching my gaze for a split second._

_"Hey! What's wrong with my nose?" I gasped in mock horror, my hand coming up to touch my nose, well no matter how funny it looked on me it did look picture perfect on Pip._

_In the fading yellow of the setting sun splashed up against the off white nursery wall I brushed my hand against my little girl's velvety soft forehead and watched her silently close her bashful blue eyes before she fell asleep gently in her mother arms._

_"She's perfect..." whispered Tess looking up at me, I didn't take my eyes off Pip, it was amazing how I could just gaze in awe at something so preciously beautiful._

_"Yeah she is..." I whispered back._

* * *

I slung through the door with about half a minute to spear, I was close. Somehow I started to wonder why I ever promised the Boss that I wouldn't let marriage and family get in the way of work, he'd be the only one that knew it was almost impossible to juggle both; that's probably why he wasn't standing near the door breathing down my neck.

During the minute it took to shove everything I had into my locker I felt funny, that's right I had to have forgotten somethin'...slamming the door to my locker in faint disgust I decided to re-trace my steps but not before I made myself a really strong coffee with extra sugar, God knows I needed it!

Spoon a clinking and steam still disappearing into the fog of thick air I felt a slight tug at my left pant leg, looking over to my left I saw nothing and by the time I glanced to my right it had moved. I knew what it was but I wouldn't let it know that.

I stirred my coffee again pretending that I was fooled but the light tug to the leg of my pants persisted so I turned around in a split second, just before it could run away.

Standing before me was Toby, the little 3 year old that made the mess room his home most days. His sandy beach yellow hair was what I noticed first, then his shy little crystal blue eyes hiding under his dainty little eyelids. His cheeky demeanour reminded me of only one person, his father; whom Toby usually stuck with like chewing gum does to new carpet. Must have been busy I suppose.

"Jonesy?" mumbled the little boy; it took him about 2 months of intense training to get his head around my name but as soon as he knew it, he wouldn't stop sayin' it.

"Hey mate!" I ruffled his short beachy blonde hair and squatted down to his level, he promptly made use of my leg sitting on it before I let him.

"How are ya?" I asked him seeing that he did seem a bit quiet today, if he wasn't studiously reproducing some kinda Picasso painting then he'd be taking apart PJ's filing cabinet but nothin' like that today.

Toby simply nodded in response to my question and tried to find the words to his next question, I watched his eyes search the ceiling.

Finally he pointed to the cupboard.

"I'd like a bickie...please." the please was more of an after thought than anything but he was the most articulate 3 year old I'd ever come across and he seemed sincere enough. I picked him up and he sat in my arms with one arm around my neck.

"Watch your head mate..." I said as I opened the cupboard door and Tobes ducked when the door missed him by a hair.

"Now, let's see what we got here...malt, digestive..." I filed through the unappetising array of biscuits before I came across something more kid friendly.

"D'you like Tim Tams mate?" Toby nodded pleased with the plastic parcel that almost reeked of chocolate, so I opened it and he lunged for the chocolate covered biscuit wrapping his fingers around it, extremely content. I went to give my coffee a last stir and when I went to shut the cupboard door I felt Tobes squirm in my arms.

"Can you let me down? Please?" he asked quite graciously and although I enjoyed his company more than I did that of my steaming coffee, I wouldn't keep him prisoner.

As soon as he'd run off I set back to picturing as vividly as I could the mere chaos of events I'd went through in under 20 mins, trying diligently to work out what it was that I'd forgotten.

"Mum! Look!" I heard Toby say in the distant background noise, I knew he'd be showing off his half bitten biscuit, Suse wouldn't be too happy...I was right.

"Morning Jonesy!" she said in almost mock cheer and I knew I was kindly in for it.

"Mornin' Suse..." I replied turning around to face her, her arms akimbo, an expression of mild upset on her face.

"You two, you just can't help spoiling him rotten!" she said smiling half way through that sentence. She was of course referring to Alex, the second proudest father in the world who'd do anything for that boy. Being a sweet tooth himself would let his boy gorge a packet of anything vaguely sugar coated, much to the disappointment of Susie.

I shrugged at Suse's obvious disappointment but she knew I'd never say 'no' to Toby, it was his sweet innocence...well so I tried to explain.

"You do know that was the Boss' secret stash?" Suse asked and I looked a bit daunted. I didn't really get a chance to shove the Tim Tam packet as far as humanly possible in that bickie cupboard before I heard the sound of that familiar buzzer, that's right I'd almost forgotten I was at work!

Suse and I both started to head out the door, both heading towards the monitor.

"I got it!" We heard Kell yell and then sluggishly made our way back towards my coffee that still sat on the mess room bench.

I sat in intense silence while Suse decided to wander out into the main room, still couldn't think what it was that I'd forgotten and making past the little huddled group of my colleagues I went to sit somewhat forlornly at my desk 'till I heard a familiar voice.

"Hey copper!" I turned around, upset that my chain of thought was broken but I smiled as soon as I saw who it was.

Tess stood there surrounded by the rest of the team, Pip in the corner of one arm and my bag held up with the other. It finally dawned on me!

"Missin' something?" she asked teasing me while she swung the heavy bag onto my desk, the loud thud it made sent gentle sheets of paper float down to the floor. I smiled; she really had a knack for remembering things, it was actually more than annoying sometimes.

I walked over and kissed her cheek to thank her and she smiled back, Pip in the meantime made soft gargling noises and waved her arms about frantically so I gave her a little kiss on the forehead too.

"How she's been?" I asked in an almost soft whisper, the rest of the team seemed to disappear as the lull between ringing phones had finished.

"Yeah, good...just a bit grumpy, hey?" Tess stroked Pippa's cheek with the back of her index finger looking into Pip's eyes while she said that. Kelly who'd been eyeing Pip for sometime waited for the right moment to speak.

"Can I hold her?" she asked and Tess almost automatically said 'yes', placing the baby gently in Kell's arms. Kelly's eyes said it all; she gazed in wonder at the talc smelling infant and almost certainly fell in love.

Taking the opportunity Tessy pulled me aside to chat for a little and I put the ringing phones to the back of my mind.

Tessy looked a bit apprehensive and a little pale.

"Is everythin' alright?" I asked a little concerned yet a huge sheepish grin was plastered across my face.

"Mmm, could you come home a bit early tonight?" That would usually translate to 'don't bother staying behind doing all the reports you still haven't done because you've been too 'busy' to do so during the day' but somehow this time when she said it seemed more sinister than anything and when she just managed to smile weakly I could just see that something was wrong.

"You sure everything's okay?" Guess I should have asked whether she was okay. I rubbed Tessy's shoulder and she just sorta shrugged it off and nodded silently.

"Just don't be late!" she said before she turned around and I finally immersed myself in what was going on around me.

"Think she likes you!" Amy teased P.J as the little peaceful expression on Pip's face turned to one of bitter sourness.

"Hey! I'm good with kids! Aren't I good with kids?" PJ asked in desperate plea for someone to agree but everyone kinda stayed silent. Toby was the only one that seemed to notice and he nodded bravely.

"There we go! Straight from the horse's mouth!" PJ squatted down to Toby's level and whispered something just loud enough for everyone to hear.

"You know you've always been my favourite!" PJ said to the boy and Toby seemed to beam with pride. Apart from the fact that he was already an honorary detective...Toby quite liked being PJ's favourite; it was almost a prestigious award!

PJ handed the baby over to Joss who was more than a little concerned but once he saw that Pip seemed to look like she was going to smile he was more than happy.

"How'd you do that?" asked PJ in somewhat curious confusement.

"It's my Italian charm!" beamed Joss and started to coo over little Pip who looked like she had her fair share of visitors.

"Oh please! Say no more!" whined Kelly while she rolled her eyes at Joss' pitiful remark.

No one would have noticed the phones ring for the umpteenth time, frankly being so absorbed in the moment nobody noticed the Boss emerge from his cave either.

"Have we all become deaf all of a sudden?" he bellowed, the team was silenced in that second and the phones seemed to die too but the tiny high pitched shrill from Joss' direction attracted the Boss' attention.

He stood still for a moment and as a couple of phones rang that both PJ and Amy dived for, he peered over to Tess who'd almost hidden herself behind me.

Everyone could feel the awkward silence between the two, everyone knew that they had hardly been on speaking terms for a good while now and Tess being as stubborn as she usually is was adamant that she wouldn't be the first to apologise.

That awkward silence lasted more than it should have, Joss made great progress calming Pip down but the Boss looked like he'd just saw a ghost.

"Tess?" he asked. Tess shuffled herself back into view with the help of my gentle push. She smiled quite awkwardly and we all noticed the Boss' features soften.

"Can I?" he asked walking over to Joss who was more than willing to lay the baby in the Boss' big and cuddly arms.

"Umm...yeah, sure!" Tess smiled again her hand coming up behind to brush the back of her neck in anxiousness.

Pip didn't seem fazed laying the Boss' arms she resume mumbling incoherently to herself, soaking in everybody's attention at the same time.

For the first time in what seemed like years we saw the Boss smile, it was a genuine smile and he like the others seemed to immerse himself in Pip's company, tickling her tummy with his other hand and watching her gorgeous big blue eyes float around the room looking at everybody peering down at her.

"Mum? I wanna see Pip!" Suse peered down to her little boy, who'd for quite sometime missed out on the opportunity, so Suse hoisted him up in her arms and carried him over to the Boss who'd just about made himself very comfortable with Pip.

Toby reached out and gingerly touched Pip's forehead, the feel of velvety soft skin under his fingertips made him jerk back his hand a little and his eyes became the size of jam jar lids in honest surprise.

"She gots no hair Mum!" said Toby a little shocked at first but he touched little Pip's head again gently growing accustom to her gentle skin.

"Yeah you looked like that, when you were that big..." Suse pointed out, reminiscing of a time not so very long ago.

"Mum, I gots lotsa hair!" said Toby in horrified shock, grasping at a tuft of hair on his short little blonde head of hair. Suse smiled warmly.

"You sure do bub!" and with that she kissed his head softly glancing over at Tess in the meantime who stood quite gruffly by my side, her hands crossed over her stomach in anxiousness but surprisingly as Tess' gaze meet that of Susie's the two shared a warm smile. I guess it was good to say that they got along really well; it probably had something to do with both having kids, something both would tirelessly talk about.

"Hey everyone!" squealed a voice from the entrance to the corridor, it was Alex, who look like he'd just come back from some sort of shopping escapade, bag handles weaved around his hand until they almost cut the circulation off. Toby as soon as he saw his hero rushed over and hugged his legs, hiding under shopping bags.

"Hey Toby, you ready to go then?" asked a curious father not really knowing where his son had hidden to. But a small nod from the heap of plastic bags told everyone that it was really getting late.

A couple more phones rang and the little party broke up, except the Boss who still stood silently and comfortably just outside of his office door, still cradling little Pip in his arms and much to everyone's surprise muttering complete and utter gibberish in silent whispers to Pip.

"Ahh, guess we better head off, leave you guys to it..." smiled Tess trying to hint to the Boss.

"What sorry?" the Boss was awoken from his trance but he reluctantly and carefully placed a tired Pip in the comfort of Tessy's arms.

"Tess?" the Boss asked softly and Tess shied away but still replied gently by looking into the Boss' genuinely sorry eyes.

"Could you bring her 'round more often?" asked the Boss almost embarrassed, stilling stroking Pip's tiny little fingers that she curled up into a fist.

"Yeah, sure..." Tess said a bit hesitantly and the Boss gave a smile.

"I'd like that, I really would..." the Boss smiled.

Tess gave a quick goodbye to all present and everyone either gave a silent wave or small smile. Just before she left Tess looked rather cautiously at me and I replayed her words in my head: "Just don't be late!".

I couldn't help but feel that something just wasn't right but for the time being I'd have to forget about it.

_

* * *

There on our light yellow kitchen wall hung a very mysterious piece of artwork..._

_Its golden worn away frame with the burnt gumleaf green background, made it look almost mystical. There was nothing mystical about this piece; in fact it was very eerie. Surrounded in the elaborate gold frame was a clean razor blade mounted on a dark green backdrop._

_Like the recovered alcoholic that leaves a bottle full of vodka in his pantry I mounted the razorblade on the kitchen wall so everyday when Tess and I walked past it we'd be reminded of that something that Tess gave up and that she'll never go back to, no matter how much it hurt._

* * *

It'd grown dark and my desktop lamp grew hot for the 2 hours or so that I had it on for, my eyes too began to droop and I looked around me to see that everybody except maybe the Boss has gone home but I still had this one report to write that wouldn't take me much longer, if I could only concentrate for more than 5 mins at a time.

I grew bored quickly and resorted to using my pen as drumstick, hitting the side of the desk and I shuffled paper either side of my desk to make room for feet which I slung up onto the desk.

An eerie creek from the Boss' office door made my legs plunge back under the table and I scribbled nonsense on the pad in front of me. It was quiet after a couple of seconds so I looked over at the photo frame in front of me that had my favourite picture of both Tess and Pip when she was just a day old and next to that my finally framed little wallet size picture of Sammy, the little girl I still held a soft spot in my heart for.

"Haven't you got a home to go to?" asked the Boss, he'd crept up on me from behind and examined the scribble of words that were on the notepad in front of me. He was the one that insisted I finish the report before today and even though I phoned home saying that I still might be on time I wasn't too hopeful anymore.

"Still haven't finished that report Boss..." I explained holding up the scribble of notes that were really just gibberish but the Boss knowing my handwriting figured that they might just actually be words.

"Oh go home Jones!" The Boss looked at me annoyed and shuffled out the entrance to the station while I flicked off my lamp and went to get the keys to lock up.

_

* * *

"Depression's hard isn't it?"_

_You wouldn't believe how incredibly stupid that question sounds after you spend so much time with someone who has depression. It isn't only hard, it eats away at you and it hurts you like nothing ever could. _

_It has its ups and downs though and once you get used to the lows all you ever wish for each day is that they'd feel as best as they possibly could, each and everyday._

_I got into the habit of waking up and asking Tess how she felt each morning, just so I'd know and even though just waking up to Tess was more than great, even better were the days where she'd wake up with the biggest smile on her face and she'd stare into my blue eyes and tell me how lucky she was to have ever met me and that she loves every little thing about her life, that it means more to her than she'd ever imagined._

_Those were days that I looked forward to every morning and somehow each time they came they were just that little bit more special than just an ordinary day._

* * *

"Sorry I'm late!" I half yelled as I walked in through the door dumping my bag on the floor near the door while I pulled off my shoes and yanked off my tie. There was no response and apart from the usual blare of the evening news on telly it was strangely quiet.

Figuring Tess might be in the nursery I headed down that way and peered through into the dark room and looked for a familiar big shadow but she wasn't there. I decided to stay anyway; I liked watching Pip sleep. She had that same peaceful look her face as Tess did when she slept.

I sat myself down in the rocking chair adjacent to her oversized cot and saw the dim glow of gold light from the subtle night light glow across my little girl's forehead and her usually blood red lips that looked like amber, parted slightly. Her tiny little perfect hands curled up at her side and her little podgy little legs and tummy covered by the soft lavender coloured blanket Grandma Denise brought over with her on her first visit.

She breathed so effortlessly, her chest moving in out at with each breath. How could anything be more beautiful?

Standing up I lent over the sturdy railing to the cot and kissed her head, she murmured a bit, her little fingers opened a little from the tight fist they were in before but Pip soon drifted back into her deep sleep and I smiled just before I left the door ajar and went in search of Tessy again.

"Tess?" I said quietly but there came no response so I headed to the kitchen the most logical place she'd be really, if I thought about it.

I saw her up at the sink and from the sound of the steady flow of water I guess she was busy.

On the round table in front of me stood a couple of plates and two sets of knives and forks at each side, from the smell of it Tess was making my favourite and I smiled at the thought.

"Smells great!" I said smiling to myself but Tess didn't answer and she sorta slumped a little, her head bowed. So I walked over and place a hand on her back before I peered over her shoulder to see what was really the matter and there it was, just as I feared for an incredibly long time, Tess clasped her left palm with her right hand trying desperately to try and stem the blood that seeped from her left palm. I grasped onto Tessy's shoulder with my hand.

"Tess...how did-?" I asked Tess and her tear stricken face and red glazed cheeks peered out at me, she tried to say something but caught back by her tears just managed to mime something I couldn't understand.

"Can't...stop!" Tess finally managed to gasp and she winced as she pushed harder against her palm and the flow of corse water washed away any blood.

"Can't stop what?" I asked my head poked in the cupboard under the sink where I hoped I'd find some nice thick bandages but I should have known that's not the best place to put them.

"You wait here; clean it up as best as you can hey?" I asked Tess but she'd already begun to do that and amidst falling tears she breathed heavily.

I rushed over to the bathroom and grabbed the first of the sterile little cylindrical packaged thing that I could find.

Walking back to the sink I heard that the water hand been turned off and Tess stood quite patiently even though the blood slowly began to surface on her upturned and frantically shaking palm.

"Here, let me see..." I held Tessy's hand gently and going by the kitchen light the cut didn't look deep but I don't think that's what Tess was worried about. I carefully bandaged Tessy's hand tightly and fastened it with one of those butterfly clips. Tess squeezed her hand into a fist to get used to the thick bandage on it.

"So how did this happen?" I asked a little apprehensive.

"I...was..." Tess sighed as tears welled up in her eyes again but she managed to hold them down. "...cuttin' up some...carrots." she sighed again, her tears made her gasp painfully.

I looked around at the sink but I couldn't see any cut up carrot, just the fat knife that lay a little blood and water soaked in the sink. She wouldn't be hurting herself again, not after such a long time...would she?

As Tess' hand went to wipe her eyes she broke out in frustrated tears again.

"Hey..." I said and rubbed my hand against her back as she faced the sink, one hand supporting her whole bodyweight against the skin.

"I don't deserve you..." she managed to sob. That sounded absurd!

"What?" I asked a little shocked, no really shocked actually. "What makes you think that?" I asked again when Tess didn't reply.

"You can't be with me, I'll just hurt you..." she managed to splutter in amongst great deep breaths and short sighs.

I wrapt my arms around her stomach from behind and hugged her, she was close enough that I could smell her freshly washed hair.

"Tess..." I whispered into her ear. "...you'd never do that, you love me, too much sometimes!" I smiled and hugged Tess a little tighter.

"You're a fantastic mother and an incredible wife; I wouldn't give you up for the world!" I said again and Tess turned around to face me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her head in my shoulder while I warmly rubbed her back with my hand so she'd calm down.

A sudden little beep from the oven alarm made Tess jolt and she extricated herself from my hug.

"That'd be the roast." she said as she wiped the last of the tears off her cheeks.

"I'll help you with dinner then?" I asked more so then just stated but Tess handed me a pair of oven mitts.

Couldn't help but notice the awkward silence among us at dinner, a time usually spent in endless chatter about almost anything really but today it was just...silent.

"Thanks..." I said still scoffing down roast potatoes, thought I might at least say something.

"Hmm?" I think I might have just interrupted her deep daydream.

"...for dinner." I finished and Tess just smiled delving back into her silent world.

Once I'd finished and Tess lost interest in eating the rest of her meal I got up and cleared the table. As I walked towards the sink I ruffled Tessy's hair with my palm making it a complete mess but it didn't cheer her up, I figured nothing I did would, not for the time being.

Being so quiet we both heard Pip cry a little from the nursery, both so used to the repetitive task we stopped what we were doing and went to get up, Tess beat me to it.

"I'll go..." she said not really waiting for me to offer so I let her, it gave me sometime to steak out the kitchen, figure out whether Tess was really cutting up carrots. Stupid I know but I'd rather know if she was hurting herself again then sitting for hours _worrying_ about whether she is or not.

The cutting board was neck deep in water so I couldn't really tell if it did have blood on it, my only hope was to find a chunk of carrot, even then I'd feel a little better.

No carrot in the sink or on the bench I decided to check the bin and well there it was, hacked up carrot covered in the tiniest bit of blood resting against the plastic bin lining where it'd smeared a fine bloodied line. I sighed; it was okay…at least it looked okay.

I leant against the bench, closed my eyes and sighed deeply, it was almost pathetic how much I worried about Tess but somehow it was all she ever needed.

_

* * *

A good month or so after I married Tess and everything settled down again my nightmares seemed to stop, Tessy's didn't._

_She sat up in bed doused in sweat, her curled up figure as squished up as possible sat on the very far edge of the bed._

_She cried heavily into her hands, shaking in fright, mumbling something incoherently to herself while she hugged her pillow tightly, slow rocking herself to calm herself down._

_I sat up next to her, not saying a word. I placed my hand on her shoulder so she'd know I was there and when I did she flinched._

_"Don't!" she yelled really loudly shuffling right over the edge of the bed and nearly falling over she got up out of bed and pressed herself against the dark wall._

_I got out of bed to see if I could do anything to calm her down, despite what she said before. Walking around the bed and to her side, I couldn't see her but the sound of her sobbing led me right to her. _

_I put my arms around her waist pulling her forward to give her a light hug but she pushed me away, so hard in fact I lost balance and narrowly missed the side of the bed and ended up landing on the floor, with a thud._

_"Don't touch me!" she screamed angrily amidst tears and I lifted myself of the woollen carpet._

_"Tessy?" I asked a little concerned walking a tiny bit closer to her than before, I wanted touch her again but the shrill of Pip's cry distracted me._

_"Tessy..." I said again not really knowing what to do._

_"No!" Tess screamed even louder than before and she slid herself down the wall hugging her knees into her chest and sobbed loudly when she hid her face in her knees._

_Pip's cry seemed to flood the room and not be able to bare it much longer I went to calm my little girl down._

_Holding Pip in my arms but not turning on the light, I could just imagine the flared red in Pip cheeks and her frustration at being awoken by a ruthlessly screaming Tess._

_"Shh...It's alright girl, you just head back to sleep, Mum'll be fine..." I whispered to my little baby girl and wiped away her little tears and her cry died down._

_Sitting myself in the rocking chair with Pip in my arms I rocked her slowly to sleep and as she grew quiet and undeniably warmer in my arms I stood up to but her back in her cot. A warm breeze of fur brushed against my leg and I heard the quiet whimpers of Puddles who too looked a little worried but more annoyed than anything about being woken up so late at night._

_"You too girl? Gees Tessy's voice must carry!" I smiled to the tired dog and patted her head warmly leaving Puddles to lie down in front of Pip's cot and fall back asleep._

_For the good twenty or so minutes that I was gone Tess managed to fall asleep again, curled up, on the floor. I sat on the floor with her for a good ten minutes until I knew she'd be deep asleep and then with much difficulty I lifted her up and carried her back to bed._

* * *

I heard the telly get switched off and so I walked into the lounge and Tess sat tired and drained on the arm of the couch, she went to stand up as I approached, getting close and staring irresistibly into her gorgeously blue eyes, I leant in to kiss her but she backed away instead turning shyly away from me and heading towards the bedroom.

"Are you heading off to bed?" I asked Tess and she turned around to face me.

"Yeah..." she muttered softly.

"But it's only nine!" I said quite shocked, we'd usually stay up late, both snuggled up on the couch and watch some ridiculously corny movie on TV and end up both falling asleep on the couch until Pippa next woke us.

Tess still headed towards the bedroom so I followed her hastily.

Lying in bed warmly I couldn't fall asleep yet, so I tried to make conversation.

"Pip's asleep?" I asked, stating the bluntly obvious.

"Mmhmm." Tess replied seeming a little tired and I waited for the inevitable period of awkward silence but it never happened.

"Evan?" Tess asked quietly hopping I'd still be awake.

"Mmm?" I responded.

"Promise me something?" Tess asked softly.

"Yeah, what is it?" I asked a little curious.

"Promise that you'll never leave me, even if everything isn't alright...even if I'm not alright." Tess seemed a little sad so I shuffled to her enveloping her into a warm hug.

"Married you for a reason didn't I?" I asked and smiled to myself.

"Tessy I'd be crazy to leave you and Pip, I'll never find a woman who loves me as much as you do and I can't even imagine not being a part of Pip's life, you two are the most precious people in my life and I love you both." with that I kissed Tessy's cheek and she sighed softly and cuddled up to me warmly.

"I know you're scared but you don't have to be, I'll always be here, no matter what." I whispered.

"You promise?" she asked gently.

"I promise." I said and Tessy kissed my cheek.

"Night Evan..." Tess whispered and she cut in before I got to say something. "And I'll always love you too, no matter what." she whispered, I smiled because I knew that although Tess didn't say that she loved me much, when she did, I knew she meant it, completely.

"I know. Night Tess…" I whispered to her and she fell asleep in my arms like always, the peaceful angel she was.

Sometimes I figure life is pretty much like sitting on a speeding rollercoaster. Its amazing looking down from the top of a huge hill and you enjoy the sparse moments you have on that high, high hill but before you know it, you come crashing down the other side. It catches you off guard. It makes your head spin and your stomach jerk and you feel sick.

My life is like that all the time. There are more lows then there are highs to be honest but it's only then that you cherish what good times you ever have.

I love my family, I'd sacrifice everything for it, it mightn't be _the_ perfect family but to me it's just what I always wanted...somebody to love.

* * *

**Just a thought...**

52,979 words later I've finally done it! And although this fic should have been not much more than just a random sentence on notepad that I should have deleted at 10.33pm that night I was completely frusterated, I'm guess it's glad that it is what it is today, even if I pulled out a couple of tufts of hair over it!

So in saying that I'd like to thank you all for reading it so diligently and for leaving such awe inspiring reviews and even a huge thank you to even those who read but didn't review, frankly I'm just quite amazed how anyone could slug through this!

Hopefully I'll seeyou 'round sometime soon with another epic adventure hey?

jakc


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